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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re asking about paying for party?

79 replies

clary · 01/05/2017 18:02

DD's friend is having a brunch at some restaurant for her 16th party.

Last year the same girl invited DD and a group of girls to eat at a local all you can eat place for her birthday. It costs £14, so not cheap, but good value I guess as it includes all courses (£2 extra for unlimited pop).

When DH dropped her off she (DD I mean) said oh by the way I need the £14 to pay for the food! Not sure how long she had known about this, but I was annoyed. If you invite to a party surely you pay?

So WIBU when I asked DD to check with friend this time if friend's mum was paying for the brunch or would we have to cough up? Because if we do, I'm not sure I am going to shell out for a present too Hmm

OP posts:
Paperdoll16 · 01/05/2017 18:55

I think it's personal preference really.

My middle DD (13) had a sleepover recently and we paid £60 for loads of dominoes etc as they were over at our house.

However, the eldest will be having her 16th this summer and we will be doing a BBQ and hiring a rodeo type thing but I've asked them all to contribute towards drinks and snacks as they're camping over all night and doubt they'll be much sleeping going on. We're getting all the food obviously and drinks/snacks but they're like a bottomless pit aren't they?

Eldest did go to a meal recently for her friends 15th and I gave her £20 to cover her meal, along with a fiver in a card and some sweets as a token gift but she returned home with the £20 as the mother paid for the lot. I felt stingy only giving a fiver when she had bought my daughter a three course meal so my daughter gave her an extra gift a few days later pretending we had forgotten to take it! 🙊

Such party politics.

Underthemoonlight · 01/05/2017 18:56

I wasn't rude but the majority consensus was saying the same that they would accept to pay for their own meal yet you still didn't seem to quite get it. To the other poster I'm not particularly old myself so I remember when we went out for birthday meals for our 16th birthday and we paid for our own and several of us all went out for a meal to celebrate.

I agree with Ellie I would still get her a present surely your dd gets pocket money she could use to pick something small like a piece of jewellery.

Katedotness1963 · 01/05/2017 18:57

I feel, that once my kids turn 18 they pay their own way/make their own birthday plans. Up till then I would pay or give them a budget for meals out with friends on their birthday. Eldest turns 18 this year. He's getting a family celebration and then money for a night out with his friends. We'll cover the meal and a couple of drinks each. I don't invite if we can't afford to treat. We do something else instead.

Falconhoof1 · 01/05/2017 19:07

I agree with op- if you invite people out to celebrate your birthday you should pay! I would pay for my child and guests up to age 16 or 17 of she wanted a meal out with friends. I was actually quite shocked at a friend who invited me to her 40th birthday meal and split the bill at the end to be honest! If I had asked a bunch of friends out for a meal for my birthday I would pay.

dustarr73 · 01/05/2017 19:14

I'd get a present though otherwise you come across as a bit of a tightarse.

Paintballing/cinema id pay.Meal out they pay for themselves. It's more grown up.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 01/05/2017 19:24

I would expect to pay if my DD invited friends for a meal (although not once they turn 18)

celtiethree · 01/05/2017 19:39

My 16 year old dc did this, I paid. I'm with you OP.

Original poster
clary · 01/05/2017 19:44

I am astonished I did get it and my posts made that clear. Tbh if I asked pals t come out from my birthday I wouldn't really expect a gift.

Anyway DD says she would feel odd not taking a gift. It's all a bit of a minefield - DD points out that anothet friend is having them over this weekend for her birthday and domino's is provided and she won't be expected to pay! Seems like if you host, you not only have the hassle but also the expense, so the other friend's mum has got it right with no mess and no outlay, as I said before! Did is baffled by this btw as all the other parties she has ever been to have been paid for by the host so it's not a thing in her circle

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 19:48

" Maybe I could just get her to text checking prices so she knows how much to bring! "

Or look at the restaurant website.

I would expect to pay for a party at our house obviously, but not a meal out.

"For a birthday I'd expect the hostess or her parents to pay. It's a lot cheaper for them than throwing a 'sweet sixteen' party. I don't understand inviting people out to eat and asking them to pay - It doesn't capture the spirit of celebration."

Where we live most parents wouldn't be able to afford to pay for an entire friendship group's meal out. The friends pay for themselves or you restrict numbers (and end up pissing off half of your child's friends and make problems for them at school)

CheeseQueen · 01/05/2017 19:55

That to me sounds like a meal out with friends, not a party so I'd be expecting to pay.
You're not being U to clarify whether it's to pay or not, that sounds like common sense to me.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 19:55

There is no right or wrong. Some people invite others out for a meal and pay, some people invite others out for a meal and people pay their own way.

AngryGinger · 01/05/2017 20:00

At the age of 16 I'd expect to pay for my own meal, annoying she didn't tell you before hand though.

Fruitcocktail6 · 01/05/2017 20:04

£14 is expensive for a meal? Where do you live?!

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 01/05/2017 20:08

OP if a friend of yours suggests a meal out when it's their birthday, do you expect them to pay for you, and not take a present?

In my experience in fact not only does birthday person not treat everyone else, everyone else chips in to cover their meal. And brings presents.

Falconhoof1 · 01/05/2017 20:13

Don't think op said she wouldn't take a present of she wasn't paying. Only if she was paying(or in this case her DD).

donquixotedelamancha · 01/05/2017 20:17

I'm curious OP. If you go for meal to celebrate a friends birthday, do you expect them to pay for you? If not, what age is your cut off?

Do you and your friends really not bring gifts when you go out for a meal on someone's birthday?

Anyhoo, you have established that your expectations are unusual. Probably lots more common if discussing little children's parties, but even then I wouldn't assume.

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 20:17

"£14 is expensive for a meal? Where do you live?!"

The sort of places my 16 year old and her friends would eat at would be at those prices (South Yorkshire BTW).

"if a friend of yours suggests a meal out when it's their birthday, do you expect them to pay for you, and not take a present?"

No, I wouldn't expect them to pay for my meal, but I would take a present.

AntiGrinch · 01/05/2017 20:26

If I were organising this I would make it very clear who is paying. The thing is though, people might not be able to afford to go - an adult social life is expensive and 16 year olds might not be able to afford to go out to dinner (or their parents on their behalves). They aren't in work yet. adults who think nothing of going out for pizza on their mates' birthdays are in work.

I would hate it if some kids were excluded because they can't afford to go. I would probably organise pizza at home if I couldn't organise to shout the whole thing

bjhgj · 01/05/2017 20:29

Was normal a decade ago. I do vaguely remember my parents paying £50 of the bill but that was very generous and unusual. I'm quite sure at 16 I paid my own bill, my parents might have done, I can't remember but it's definitely normal.

Iamastonished · 01/05/2017 20:37

"I would hate it if some kids were excluded because they can't afford to go."

So would I. At 16 they tend to organise their own social life though, and eat at places that everyone can afford to go to.

Fruitcocktail6 · 01/05/2017 20:59

The sort of places my 16 year old and her friends would eat at would be at those prices (South Yorkshire BTW).

Yea like pizza express type places, but it's not expensive.

BackforGood · 01/05/2017 21:10

It's not so much if YABU / YANBU so much as being a bit out of kilter.

I have 3 dc - youngest is 15, coming up to 16. It has always been the way here that if they arrange to go out for someone's birthday, once they get to secondary, then they pay for themselves (obviously between each teen and their family if that is literally the teen or if their parents give them the money). Mostly as younger teens they tend to all go round to someone's house and eat you out of house and home, so they don't have to spend their own money Wink, but once they get to 15 or 16, they prefer to do something seen to be a bit more 'grown up'.

errorofjudgement · 01/05/2017 21:16

For DDs 16th birthday last month we paid for her and 3 friends to have a meal out at a local restaurant. I see that as our responsibility. The girls are all at school and don't have their own money.
But DD has also been to birthday celebrations where everyone each set of parents paid for themselves. In fact at 1 meal DD ended up paying extra because 2 girls left before paying their full share and the Birthday girls parents refused to cover the shortfall. I was a bit gobsmacked at that!

Boulshired · 01/05/2017 21:33

It is very random and usually determined by the size of friendship group and or a child/parent setting the precedent that others follow. Both my teenage DC have a close small friendship group and the parents host their child's party.

dustarr73 · 01/05/2017 21:35

I think as Wellesley's how many are going.If t was a small group maybe 6 or so i might offer to pay.Over that now they pay a portion of their own share.

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