To think this is between SiL and MiL? Or do I intervene?

[RooKangaroo]

This is partly an AIBU, and partly a WWYD. I don't know what my role is here, and don't want to upset anyone. Apologies for length.

I'm currently on mat leave with my first child. My SiL is now back at work after having her first child, who is 18 months old and goes to nursery/stays with relatives, etc. for childcare.

One day each week, SiL's child (my niece) is looked after by MiL (who is also SiL's MiL - our DHs are brothers). As I'm on mat leave, I often meet up with MiL on the day she has my niece. We often spend these days at my house as I have more space.

Anyway, I've recently been contacted by my SiL about these days. She's had some questions, and wants me to make sure MiL does certain things:

• not watch TV (doesn't want niece watching TV, I mean)
• make sure niece sits in a high chair for all snacks and meals (and wears the harness)
• make sure niece eats all her lunch and in the right way (SiL has rules about eating)
• spend a certain amount of time with niece looking at books, etc.

SiL has asked me to make sure MiL does these things, as she doesn't think she does at the moment. This is true, actually, as when I take my baby for a nap, MiL puts the TV on (CBeebies or something). She also lets my niece eat her snacks in the living room, while playing. I don't entirely understand the eating rules, but perhaps they're not completely followed either.

However, I don't think this is my business. Surely it's up to SiL to talk to MiL about it, and tell her how important it is to her that she does these things? I'm not the one responsible for my niece on those days (though obviously love her and help look after her), and I don't want to spy on MiL.

SiL has gotten a bit shirty with me, and started saying I'm should be more understanding about her rules, and would have my own when I go back to work. (I guess this is true). I've tried to play it all down and encourage her to talk to MiL, but it's all starting to get a bit aggressive.

For what it's worth, MiL is lovely and isn't doing anything 'wrong'. She might not be following all the rules, but a) they're not my rules, and b) she doesn't want my niece to get upset so perhaps lets her do things that SiL wouldn't allow (like eating while playing, having lunch at the time she wants, etc.).

I have actually tried to give my own opinion to MiL, as I also don't want the TV on, and I've tried to make sure we ALL sit and have meals together, but I don't want to go much further. It's not my place to tell her what to do.

I'm starting to be put in the middle, and I worry I'm going to end up upsetting someone. AIBU to try and stay out of it completely? Or will it backfire on me?

None of this is your problem.

The eating thing I think is less of a big deal (although depends where it comes from - is it table manners or fear of choking?), but the tv one would wind me up too.

And also, if the grandma is saying that she doesn't let the child watch tv, and agrees to enforce the rule, then does it anyway, that's awful. She either needs to say "look, I need the downtime during the day I need to plonk her in front of the TV for an hour," or actually do what she says she'll do. Dismissing the parent by ignoring her way of raising the child and then lying about it is a pretty unpleasant and arrogant way to behave.

SIL should get better childcare. MIL should stop ignoring her DIL wishes OR challenge them directly and say that's not what she feels able to do.

You should stay well out of it, and find a nursery for your DC.

If your MiL found out your SiL had asked you to spy on her and report back all sorts of shit will hit the fan.

SiL sounds bonkers, steer clear of bonkers people, stay out of it.

You can tell her "I get your point, but I think you need to address this directly with MIL"

Batteries
I have done teddy bears' picnic on the floor or in the park. That's slightly different to snacking while playing which causes twice the workload of cleaning child, cleaning floor, cleaning toys (these need cleaning at some point anyway but the daily fallout isn't worth it). Plus separating food from toys means they are concentrating more on their food and you can see what they are eating rather than dropping. Conversation at that age rather than distraction/multitasking...save that for restaurants and teendom

^ but have done it all ways and I guess the flaws were from my unsupervised snacking during unsupervised play (aka throwing a rusk into the playpen whilst desperately trying and failing to tidy elsewhere).

The childcare arrangement doesn't seem like a match made in heaven and could go pear shaped!!
I'd stay out of it as much as possible.
SIL shouldn't be putting you in this position, it's not your responsibility to enforce her rules.
I'd have a chat with her and say that whilst you sympathise you'd really rather she communicated directly with MIL.

Gin it worked. Food whilst playing is the best way of getting food into her. I wouldn't do it unsupervised or with particularly messy food, but the HV was very clear they are so plastic at this young age it doesn't make much impact on long term habits, if any, and any habits are fairly wary to reverse at an older age (although people will be queuing round the block to tell you food whilst playing at 2 means they are DOOMED )

Fairly *easy

Thanks to everyone else, too. Sorry for the delay in replying.

To answer a few questions....

My baby is 5 months. We're going to start weaning at 6 months, and we already have him in a high chair when we eat, to get him used to meals and the social aspect of eating. So I do kind of agree with SiL's thing about this, and will try harder to make it a rule at my house anyway, so that MiL does it naturally too.

Someone said it sounds like I'm on MiL's side.... hmmm. I guess I kind of am, because I know her intentions are nothing but good. I'm not saying she's the easiest person to get along with, but she loves my niece (and my son) from the bottom of my heart and would do anything for them.

I genuinely think she only does these things because she wants to please my niece, and she doesn't want (or know how to cope with) tantrums. She doesn't want to say no to my niece if she (my niece) wants to do something. Given I think SiL is strict at home, I don't think this is a huge thing to worry about (though agree with a PP who talked about a choking risk of eating while playing).

Also agree with a PP who said it's tiring work to look after toddlers, and grandparents don't tend to be that young. I know I struggle sometimes to entertain my baby now he can do more, so I definitely think she struggles to keep my niece entertained and things like a bit of TV watching help to fill time.

To others who asked - yes, we probably will have MiL looking after my son when I go back to work. And maybe that does add a spanner to the works.... because I do agree with SiL about a lot of these things.

I guess I feel like I can do these things and set these rules, but that if my son's grandparents spoil him and let him get away with things, it won't be a huge deal. But I could be very naive here. Am I setting myself up for a future problems with that attitude?

Hope I didn't miss anyone's questions!

What is the 'right way' for an 18mo to eat food?

Simple you either trust who is looking after your kids or you do it yourself.
My DM asks me what DD can have etc and I offer guidance but generally its grannies rules.

IMO it doesn't matter that you and your SiL may have some of the same ideas on child-rearing. It wouldn't matter if you had exactly the same rules on everything. Asking one family member to spy and report back on another family member or to say "MiL, SiL has told you to do XXX' is just dead wrong!

I'm not sure why everyone keeps mentioning free childcare so much. If I was in that situation my mil would complain a lot if I chose to leave my child with someone else which I would probably want as situations like this often cause trouble.

She would be hurt and disappointed if she didn't get the opportunity to look after my dd and I chose to pay for childcare and if I did decide to let her I would expect her to follow my rules. I have quite firm boundaries in place now but I felt quite undermined when I first had my child so I've just learnt to stick up for myself and assert my authority as my child's mother.

I agree your sil should not be being aggressive with you at all but please try to remember returning to work after having a baby is tough for any mother esp if it's her only child she will feel like she needs some control it's quite natural. Your mil really should be following the rules set out and if she doesn't your sil should be telling her she is no longer required to care for her child and from now on her contact with her gc will be supervised that's what I would do anyway some might call me batshit but i wouldn't involve other people it would be between me and my mil as I think it's important that parents rules are followed by any caregiver even if some rules seem a bit silly.

I'd stay well out of it OP and see if you can encourage your sil to speak to your mil herself. My mil and I recently had a big heart to heart and it helped a lot I was very honest about my feelings it was resolved in under 24 hours and we are getting along brilliantly again.