To think this is between SiL and MiL? Or do I intervene?

[RooKangaroo]

This is partly an AIBU, and partly a WWYD. I don't know what my role is here, and don't want to upset anyone. Apologies for length.

I'm currently on mat leave with my first child. My SiL is now back at work after having her first child, who is 18 months old and goes to nursery/stays with relatives, etc. for childcare.

One day each week, SiL's child (my niece) is looked after by MiL (who is also SiL's MiL - our DHs are brothers). As I'm on mat leave, I often meet up with MiL on the day she has my niece. We often spend these days at my house as I have more space.

Anyway, I've recently been contacted by my SiL about these days. She's had some questions, and wants me to make sure MiL does certain things:

• not watch TV (doesn't want niece watching TV, I mean)
• make sure niece sits in a high chair for all snacks and meals (and wears the harness)
• make sure niece eats all her lunch and in the right way (SiL has rules about eating)
• spend a certain amount of time with niece looking at books, etc.

SiL has asked me to make sure MiL does these things, as she doesn't think she does at the moment. This is true, actually, as when I take my baby for a nap, MiL puts the TV on (CBeebies or something). She also lets my niece eat her snacks in the living room, while playing. I don't entirely understand the eating rules, but perhaps they're not completely followed either.

However, I don't think this is my business. Surely it's up to SiL to talk to MiL about it, and tell her how important it is to her that she does these things? I'm not the one responsible for my niece on those days (though obviously love her and help look after her), and I don't want to spy on MiL.

SiL has gotten a bit shirty with me, and started saying I'm should be more understanding about her rules, and would have my own when I go back to work. (I guess this is true). I've tried to play it all down and encourage her to talk to MiL, but it's all starting to get a bit aggressive.

For what it's worth, MiL is lovely and isn't doing anything 'wrong'. She might not be following all the rules, but a) they're not my rules, and b) she doesn't want my niece to get upset so perhaps lets her do things that SiL wouldn't allow (like eating while playing, having lunch at the time she wants, etc.).

I have actually tried to give my own opinion to MiL, as I also don't want the TV on, and I've tried to make sure we ALL sit and have meals together, but I don't want to go much further. It's not my place to tell her what to do.

I'm starting to be put in the middle, and I worry I'm going to end up upsetting someone. AIBU to try and stay out of it completely? Or will it backfire on me?

Chastened maybe because chocolate is about as healthy as most fruit bars, maybe she wants to treat her DGD, maybe the best way to get people hooked on chocolate is to deny them.
Point is, pay and get your rules, don't pay and get theirs - always your choice.
Your parents obviously disagree with some of your parenting choices - they raised you and you trust them with childcare, why shouldn't they believe their way is best - they have more experience than you.

I think the consensus OP is keep out of this. I think SIL is out of order asking you to monitor these issues. If she isn't happy then suggest she finds a nursery (around £40 - £50 per day) and slightly less for childminders dependent on where you live. That might give her pause for thought. I don't know MIL's age but caring for young children is very tiring when you're "getting on a bit" and some of these mothers expect their mother or MIL to follow their demands. If they're so worried about the way in which the child is brought up, they should give up their job and parent in their own prescribed way!!

It doesn't matter whose house or whose relationship is like what with whom. Keep out of it. Simply tell SiL that childcare arrangements between her and MiL are none of your business and you will not get involved in any way. And that you'll expect the same 'respect' from her 'when the time comes'.

Next thing you know, she'll be asking you to give her written reports on MiL's actions.

You're neither the paid help nor the Stasi ffs.

And everything AcrossthePond said too!

Just tell her that you're not keen on tv and like eating at the table anyway but it's got to be between her and mil really.

Agree with staying out of it, and that SIL/BIL need to discuss this with MiL, but the issue is complicated by MiL/DN spending so much time at your house, when you're family. In your shoes I would support the eating in high chair thing.

You sound like you're on MiL's side. Sounds like MiL is at fault too IMO: she's not managing things the way SiL would like but rather than discuss their differences she's "lying by omission" about it.

I'd stay well out of it. It's between SIL and MIL.

If I were to ask MIL to follow any of SIL's rules, it wouldn't be because of SIL - e.g. I might say niece is to eat at the table in my house, but it would be because I didn't want niece making a mess of my living room floor, not because "SIL said....."

Sil really does have exacting rules. YANBU to stay out of it as others have said. When your dc is at someone else's house, it's normal to not do everything the same way. If she wants no tv, sitting at the table, eating certain foods etc, she needs to use a nursery.

I would no way get involved.

I'd also be tempted to break the old routine a little. Don't always meet at your house, go out maybe, vary the day?

I hugely disagree with posters who have the 'gran's house, gran's rules' attitude! If you can't respect the parents wishes, don't agree to have the child! Rules may be batshit crazy but that's not grans choice

Op didn't ask your opinion on this, she asked if she should intervene between SIL and MIL!

I personally agree with all your SIL's rules, and they have worked well for me and my children. However, I would never have expected my mil to follow them (she couldn't even manage not smoking and getting drunk around the dc's) and put my dc's with a child minder instead.
I agree with everyone else....don't get involved. However, if you are wanting your mil to follow some of the rules, then I would set that boundary now.

I think you should generally stay out but maybe nudge towards the rules at your house - for instance not eating in the lounge - how old is your baby? It might be easier once your weaning to say oh mil I don't want my DC to think it's ok to eat in there etc.

As for the TV unless she's watching wall to wall CBeebies stay out of it - an hour of TV here and there is doing no harm and if your sil wants that level of control she needs to pay for it.

Plus, your mother in law may be doing her best. She may not really have the energy to be on it the whole time and possibly needs the break of some cbeebies. She may prefer not to admit this.

Another to say not to get involved!

So you may be in the same position at some time. Would what MIL does upset you? And would you be happy to leave your DC with her?

If you agree with SIL and there are things you'd want doing differently then just model that to MIL. She'll start doing it out of habit.

Even with paid childcare you can't guarantee all of your rules, except for a 1:1 nanny. DC fit in with the nursery or childminder's routines and the other children there.

She's trying to use you to spy on mil.

Not right

I don't think it's right for SIL to try and involve you, equally I don't think it's right if MIL is ignoring everything if SIL has already asked her direct. If you think she's allowing niece to do things because she doesn't want to upset her then she's actually being unhelpful all around. When at your house insist on food in the kitchen, turn TV off (if you want to). That doesn't have to be about SIL, that's just common sense and helping to teach food manners which all kids need anyway.

My favourite MN expression: not your circus, not your monkeys. Are you supposed to force a pensioner to force feed a child against its will?

She is making you the bad guy, so she doesn't have to be. So I am another one saying to steer clear.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that her baby eats in the highchair, so I don't know why mil wouldn't do it. I think that if you agree to look after someone else's child you should broadly adhere to parental wishes. But that doesn't extend to having millions of rules and her whole day dictated. It's a total minefield having family do childcare but it also causes hurt feelings if you stop and use a nursery.
Poor you, being stuck in the middle.

For one day a week laying down the law with MIL just isn't worth it as long as the dc are safe and happy.
Whenever I've used child minders they have told me what their routine is - not the other way round!

Maybe just reply to SIL to say you understand some of her concerns & you have also said to mil that you do not like tv & you want meals to be at the table.
As an aside i didn't want my dcs to be in strict childcare setting when i was at work & wanted something where they could sit on a sofa with cbeebies if they were tired; as they already spent some time at a playgroup/nursery & needed a rest when picked up.

Sorry! Terrible grammar there.

Don't get involved. Tell your SIL it's her responsibility to talk to MIL about her child's care.

Sounds like she wants you to be the bad guy! I agree with a PP that said maybe there's a little bit of the green eyes monster lurking now that your SIL is back at work?

Don't get involved. Your SiL sounds a bit bonkers. If she wants her child looked after a certain way all the time then maybe she should look after her herself.

Interesting to see how many people support the 'food rules'. When my DD started dropping down the centiles at just over 2 years (I stopped breastfeeding because of pregnancy, and she was teething, terrible timing). HV advised food whilst playing, food had as a picnic on the floor, not being strict about mealtimes. Worked a dream.

She said, the only possible negative consequence of those things is poor manners, which you can train them out of when older. Possible negative consequences of being too strict about food are food refusal and extreme pickiness. Obviously if you have a good eater you're maybe not too bothered about weight, but then, DD was a good eater at 18m...

I'm firmly with your MIL on this one. She is ensuring the child gets food down her which is the right priority at this age.

However I still wouldn't touch the disagreements with a barge pole. Keep out of it as much as you can.