To want ex to cheat on his gf with me.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

I really do know IABU.. but I can't help feeling like this even though I'm trying hard to battle it. I expect to get flamed, maybe I need that, but i'd really like to just work out why I feel this way.

Ex Dp of 7 years, 2 kids. It's been a rocky breakup, lots of drama. Lots of trying again, then inevitably he lies or it all goes tits up one way or the other. Because of this I said no relationship, i want to be single i don't have the time or emotional energy to deal with any of it anymore. But we're still attracted to one another and we were doing the odd family day out, sometimes it would end up getting intimate.

Anyway, so the last time that happened was a couple weeks ago. We since had an argument or two and weren't speaking but then I had a shock the other day when this woman just appeared (he lives three doors away so I unwillingly see comings and goings) and now is appearing to practically be living there.

My gut reaction was loss, huge upset. It's ridiculous because I chose to not be with him, it was the right decision after how he has treated me. But I have an irrational desire to want him to be intimate again, express his feelings etc. I know it's wrong.

If I was to guess the reason, I think it's because he has treated me so badly with lying and cheating, that I feel really hurt as if my worst nightmare would be for him to know treat this woman really well. I almost want him to try and cheat on her (that was how his last relationship ended, him doing that) as if it will prove to me yes he is a bad person, no it's not just me.

Does that make sense? I don't want to feel this way But I really feel in so much turmoil.

He just wants you to want him - it make sure him feel good

He doesn't care about trampling on your feelings

Why are you doing this to yourself?

You are allowing it to happen - you need to take some control and decide he's an awful person and doesn't love you -

He's having his cake and eating it

If your family are involved why can't they lend or give you the money to move, if not immediately then over a period of time to build up the money.

A good friend of mine had this years ago, ex moved not same street but 2 streets away and would constantly drive past her house, with new GF etc. whilst trying it on with my friend too. Eventually she got down about it all, luckily her mum (who wasn't well off etc) lent her money so she did move, hundreds of miles away but away from the ex. Best thing she did.

Oh Cake!

You are so very vulnerable at the moment. He is using his to boost his bastarding ego by stringing you along. He's really getting his rocks off on this.

Just keep repeating this mantra - he cares for NO-ONE except HIMSELF.
He is not (really) "faithful" to his new woman - already he is toying with your affections and messing with your emotions - he will move onto there women and will be physically as well as emotionally unfaithful. Let him get on with it - but don't let it be with you.

Try to regard him as a very damaging drug to which you are addicted but which is destroying you.

Want to give him up. Really WANT it. Then go cold turkey.

If you have no-one else to talk to, ring the Samaritans. They won't judge, or tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but they will hear you - really hear you, and offer you a safe place to let your pain and anger go.

Every time you feel you may weaken, ring them, or a friend, or family - keep yourself from brooding on what could have/ should have/ might have been.

Don't let him into your home again. EVER. It is too dangerous.

he runs in cycles of being really nice to me and then really horrible

Classic abuser behaviour! No abusive man is abusive all of the time - when he's nice, he's wonderful, and his victim thinks it could always be "like this". Then he turns like a rabid dog - this undermines her sense of self-esteem and even makes her doubt her sanity at times. It creates a total emotion dependence.

You've made a mistake. Draw a line under it and don't let it happen again. He's a drug. You had a relapse. Start again, knowing you made an error and that next time - there won't BE next time.

He sounds like dysfunctional Jeremy Kyle material. Move on, make plans to move away. You are better than this.

Thank you everyone, I've got family support who have helped me through the day. I couldn't help but message his gf, i know i probably shouldn't have but i was blocking her and I couldn't resist, just letting her know that according to him last night he'd been too lazy to tell her to go away etc and warning her about his lies, and offering commiserations.

Anyway. I'm looking into moving away with help from my family. Thank you for your advice and support, I've had a good cry and feel a bit better for it. Because I tell myself that if i think about it logically, what have I got to be upset about? I'm not with him so I don't have to worry about his shit anymore, and a horribly person said some horrible things, big deal, he's not important.