To want ex to cheat on his gf with me.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

I really do know IABU.. but I can't help feeling like this even though I'm trying hard to battle it. I expect to get flamed, maybe I need that, but i'd really like to just work out why I feel this way.

Ex Dp of 7 years, 2 kids. It's been a rocky breakup, lots of drama. Lots of trying again, then inevitably he lies or it all goes tits up one way or the other. Because of this I said no relationship, i want to be single i don't have the time or emotional energy to deal with any of it anymore. But we're still attracted to one another and we were doing the odd family day out, sometimes it would end up getting intimate.

Anyway, so the last time that happened was a couple weeks ago. We since had an argument or two and weren't speaking but then I had a shock the other day when this woman just appeared (he lives three doors away so I unwillingly see comings and goings) and now is appearing to practically be living there.

My gut reaction was loss, huge upset. It's ridiculous because I chose to not be with him, it was the right decision after how he has treated me. But I have an irrational desire to want him to be intimate again, express his feelings etc. I know it's wrong.

If I was to guess the reason, I think it's because he has treated me so badly with lying and cheating, that I feel really hurt as if my worst nightmare would be for him to know treat this woman really well. I almost want him to try and cheat on her (that was how his last relationship ended, him doing that) as if it will prove to me yes he is a bad person, no it's not just me.

Does that make sense? I don't want to feel this way But I really feel in so much turmoil.

In the nicest way possible OP it's isn't any concern to you whether or not he treats her well or lies to her.

As hard at it is, you need to let go of your ex emotionally and just recognise that he is the father to your children, behave civilly and leave it as that.

You wouldn't feel better and more relaxed knowing he does it to everyone else. Believe me, I did exactly that many moons ago. It just left me feeling doubly crap when he went back to her. Do yourself a favour, let him go. It doesn't matter what he's doing. You'll never meet anyone better while you've got him messing with your head..

Please don't! He sounds awful!

I really struggle to understand how these scumbag men get women falling over themselves to be with them ... and not even properly, just any little scraps of affection the guy might throw your way?!

Please, think of your children and move on. They must pick up on all this and it must affect them and it could impact their ability to have normal happy relationships in the future too,

Be strong, you can do this

You are right, and far too kind.

Do you definitely think that someone like that will not change? I feel awful as I of course don't want another person to go through what i've been through, but I just can't brush away this hurt. I wish I could switch it off.

It is like living your worst nightmare, having an awful ex who I would wish I could never see again in my entire life and forget about, but because of the kids and the situation I am forced to face him and have him in my thoughts every single day, in my house, messaging me.

Many times i've wishe he was one of these dads who sods off and doesn't want to know, which again I know is an awful thing to say, but my life would be much easier.

I need to be careful with my feelings because if i lapse into depression or anxiety it's a dark road to go down. I don't want him to do that to me, I just need to switch off my feelings somehow.

sordid He won't be treating her nicely. Or if he is, he's love bombing - which is a trick narcs use to secure their new supply. He will be lying to and manipulating her. He will treat her like shit like he treats you. She won't get a better version of him because there is no better version. He is just an abusive wank stain.

My ExH is the same.

Don't cheapen yourself - you will regret it and it will eat away at your self-esteem.

Sooner or later (probably sooner) he will pay this woman in the same coin as he has paid you - or she will do the dirty on him. Either way, you will be best keeping out of it. Are you sure you're unable to move? It must be very claustrophobic living on top of him and having his friends clustered around you.

Thank you, in my rational mind I know i just need to pull myself together and focus on what's important - and it's not him!

I think the reason my reaction had been so extreme is because it came as a real shock. On friday I kept seeing him every time I left my house, I was unhappy about it, then walking back from the dog with my son, he was still there, i had no makeup on and was feeling rubbish, and then this woman just wanders out and i'm left to carry on walking looking like an idiot. And then he was horrible later on.

I have this stupid weakness, it happened before when he assaulted me, that when he hurts me I feel a desperate need to be reassured by him. I need to stop it.

He is probably love bombing. Put it this way, right out on the street in full view he was smothering her in all these kisses, hugs, snogs the full works. Treating her like she was the most important person in the whole world.

Can you see your GP to get referred to a counsellor? It's awful when you know the facts but still can't help being attracted to/drawn in by a total bastard. Must be ridiculously difficult living in such close proximity.

What if he's with her just to see how you react - what i he's thinking the same as you - in that if I get someone else OP will come running back and massage my ego?

He want s you to play the game and you are playing it

Stop letting him in - stop messaging him unless child related -

Get out as much as possible and look to move

Honestly I would love to move but it's impossible. I privately rent, so would need upwards of a grand to do it. I'm really stuck here. He keeps saying he's moving and complaining about how much it costs him but he won't leave.

My dream is to achieve what I want to and the first thing I would do is take my kids and move away to a house where I feel safe and am far away from him and everyone else associated with him.

My best friend has ruined her life repeatedly going back to a horrible man because she can't stand the thought of anyone else having him.

He could literally treat her like dirt and she would still stay.

Please don't do that

What if he's with her just to see how you react - what i he's thinking the same as you - in that if I get someone else OP will come running back and massage my ego?

That's possible. It's hard to tell because he runs in cycles of being really nice to me and then really horrible. He made me cry on friday and i hate that I showed him weakness.

I can't be with him. The last time we tried, it ended with phone calls off some mystery woman, he kept changing his story about who she was, then he said she was a "nutcase" he'd met who wouldn't leave him alone. Apparently he had to tell her to fuck off and threaten police if she didn't stop, but why do I feel like that's probably his new hookup?

Is the online counselling worth it?

When I was much younger, before dh, I did do this with an ex. He cheated on me. Shacked up with the ow (who had a reputation even before she seduced him). Then for some reason he showed an interest again in me even though he was still with her. Gave me great pleasure to have him cheat on her with me. And put to bed any lingering regrets I had about the end of our relationship.

He had 2 reasons for snogging that woman in the street. One was to hook her, showing her that he likes her so much he wants the world to see. It's all a lie of course, part of his game to reel her in.
The other was to get a reaction from you, to make you jealous and to hurt you, and it worked, didn't it?

He will be treating her well, at the moment. I expect he did the same to you when you first started seeing him. But it won't last, so trying to get your revenge on the other woman is pointless.
You don't know what he's told her about you, it'll be a pack of lies to make him look like the victim.
She's most likely the innocent in this. Don't go along with his games.

Try to see a therapist, you need to work on your self esteem, and don't waste any more of your life on him.

You need to go no contact.
My ex is currently raging with me because I've cut him off entirely. Considering he's in a fab new relationship etc etc he seems to be getting inordinately concerned about the fact I'm not having cups of tea and friendly chats with him.

He's already given you the validation you crave by shagging you two weeks ago when he was with her, hasn't he?

Maybe he's moved her in to help pay the rent? Who knows. Please throw all your energy into keeping your mind healthy and building up your self esteem, which you'll never do if you keep going back for more of the same.

He doesn't deserve you. You've broken free and should be moving on and piecing your life back together, don't throw it all away, OP.

Admittedly, very difficult when he's 3 doors down, but very possible if you are determined and can put yourself first.

One last word...your mindset is skewed, understandably, so you are very vulnerable, but please consider this:

*If you go back to somehow 'validate' whatever you're trying to 'validate', how do you think he will interpret that? Do you think he will think "Oh no, she's won, she tricked me into cheating on my new girlfriend!" Or will his plan have worked, and will he be thinking "Ha ha, I knew she couldn't resist me..she'll never be able to move on with her life!"

What do you think you'll win? One upman ship? What if she doesn't care?

The only winner here is an over grown child who thinks the world of himself already - he's damaged and isn't ready or capable of a grown up relationship.

You need to be alone and think what you do want - and how you want to be treated - because this isn't it

You need to get a grip and forget about him he's still controlling you and playing mind games. Only interact with him for the sake of the kids not for youself. Try and save up the money to move away from him.

You need to knock these "family days out" for a start. You are no longer a family, so keeping up this pretense is hugely damaging, both to you and your children.

Set up a new email account and use that purely for making arrangements regarding him seeing the children. Never, ever discuss anything else with him and make it clear that you won't. You know this but you need to tell yourself that he is not your friend. There is nothing for in it for you to have any sort of relationship with him except pain. He's just some wanker you happen to have had children with. You can do this. You have to or it will drive you mad. He's already got you half-way there now. Don't let him win. You and your children deserve so much more.

You're still embroiled in this abusive relationship. You have taken steps to end it but haven't gone all the way.
You absolutely need to disengage from him and he will eventually get bored and move on (literally, he will move house when he stops getting his supply from you).
No, of course he won't change, he will be abusive in any relationship he is in.

You keep splitting up and getting back together and through each cycle he still remains the same cheating, lying let down he's always been. How much more proof do you want?

It sounds as though you are struggling to let go of the whole drama of it and want to know that he still wants you, leaving the door ajar for another reunion. It can't be good for your dc to be caught up in this cycle.

Well everyone, resist the urge to say I told you so but that backfired fucking spectacularly on me!

He rang me last night and wanted to come over, stupidly I said yes. Predictably he told me he was just trying to replace me, it's me he wants, all this other wonderful stuff about me let's try etc etc. We didn't have sex but kissed and cuddled, he texted the other woman. Brief.. stupid.. bliss.

This morning he tells me that he's been thinking about it and talking it over with the woman.. and he basically is "not picking me anymore".

Basically, i've shown my huge fucking weakness and let him have the total upper hand, and now i'm left in the dirt trying to not have a breakdown. My mental health is fragile at best. I want this hell to end.

I'd just watch from afar - he'll bugger it up. However, it's not unreasonable to feel how you are. My DM's first husband cheated on her with her best friend. She wondered for years if 'it was her' and then he did it again to his next wife. DM was so relieved, she felt like she cod put it to bed after that as it made her feel so much better about herself.