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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be evasive 're maternity

35 replies

FluffyBuffy · 30/04/2017 09:38

when I tell my work I'm pregnant Aibu to be evasive 're maternity? obvs I'll share plans with my boss but I've heard staff ask pregnant staff how long they're taking for mat leave and if they're going to apply for part time on return. To me it's none of their business so I won't be discussing it with them!

OP posts:

Kerberos · 30/04/2017 09:39

Its just a topic of conversation OP. Why be so defensive about it?

SecretNetter · 30/04/2017 09:40

Just as the pomp said...it's just normal conversation. Why would it need to be a secret how long you're planning to be off for?

wonkylegs · 30/04/2017 09:41

Just say I don't know yet and leave it at that. They are probably just making conversation more than anything else.

HeyCat · 30/04/2017 09:41

Rather than be evasive, you can either say you haven't decided yet, or if you feel like your job is vulnerable in any way you may prefer to say you're planning on a short leave then to come back full time. Whatever you say now isn't binding anyway.

Tbh it absolutely is their business as they will need to find ways to cover your absence, so I don't think they're doing anything wrong by asking what your plans are.

So no need to be defensive or evasive about it, that will only make you look awkward.

GreatFuckability · 30/04/2017 09:41

but....why? it's just idle chat, I doubt anyone really cares how long you're going to be off for.

Original poster

FluffyBuffy · 30/04/2017 09:42

My work colleagues tend to make snide comments at time 're. things like this. They tell ne I have an easy life because my husband has a good job etc. It's none of this business.

OP posts:

katiegg · 30/04/2017 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FluffyBuffy · 30/04/2017 09:43

It's my managers business hey cat not my colleagues they do not have to find cover

OP posts:

Autumnsweater · 30/04/2017 09:44

People do like to ask this to make conversation. It's annoying though as I find that whatever you say anyway, the stock answer is then oh it'll be different when the baby comes. So why ask?! Just say you don't know.

I totally get being defensive about it though some workplaces can make you feel that your job is vulnerable (even though it's illegal doesn't mean it doesn't happen..)

SecretNetter · 30/04/2017 09:47

Well it's no ones business what I ate for tea last night either but I'm not going to refuse to answer if anyone asks me.

Think you're being OTT op. Is this your first? People have no filter when it comes to pregnant women. You need to learn how to field much more personal questions than how long you're planning mat leave for!

This time round I've had questions around whether the baby was planned, how we felt about it, how are our existing dc feeling about it, do we think we'll have more after this one, bedroom plans for sharing as we have an age gap, what contraception I've thought of for after the birth...

MoreThanUs · 30/04/2017 09:49

Evasiveness is often a way of attention seeking - not giving a clear answer encourages further questioning. If you want to shut down the conservation once and for all then say you don't know how you feel - could be 4 months, could be a year. You're going to take it as it comes and decide when you have to.

Joey7t8 · 30/04/2017 09:51

Bit odd to be so evasive to be honest. People are probably happy for you and showing an interest in your life. It's no more intrusive than asking when and where your planning on taking your holidays this summer, which is something I was asking a colleague the other day.

Original poster

FluffyBuffy · 30/04/2017 09:52

I'm not an attention seeker at all. I don't like thr way my colleagues talk about people abd I don't want it to be all oh fluffy thinks she's coming back part time etc she'll be lucky. When I say evasive I mean I'm going to say I haven't decided not play games

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 30/04/2017 09:54

Pre baby I used to ask questions like this just out of interest / something to politely Enquire about. It wasn't to be nosy or tell tales.

When I was pregnant I just used to answer such questions with 'oh I'm not sure, it feels too far away to decide' in the first 6 months and then towards the end 'oh we'll just have to see how it goes, I'd love to take as long as possible but finances will determine it so we'll just have to see how we go'

Then when the pt questions came up I just used to be vague until I'd decided and discussed it with my boss

ilovesooty · 30/04/2017 09:55

Just tell them it's none of their business then. You don't sound as though you like or respect them much.

MimiSunshine · 30/04/2017 09:56

Meant to add, the only reason I was a bit evasive was my boss wasn't very supportive so I didn't want him to just write me off and I didn't want assumptions to be made until I'd officially put my requests in

MaisyPops · 30/04/2017 09:57

Colleagues, just say you're not sure, it depends what baby's like and make some daft joke about hoping for one that might sleep for an hour at a time.

Not their business at all.

Riderontheswarm · 30/04/2017 10:00

They probably don't care. They will just ask because to just say 'oh' and walk off when you say you are going on maternity leave is a bit rude so people think of things to say. Maybe they won't bother asking you. If you are always evasive and abrupt when people try to make conversation they'll not make the effort.

SecretNetter · 30/04/2017 10:01

not giving a clear answer encourages further questioning

Agree with this. I've had lots of 'was it planned' this time due to the age gap between dc2 and 3 (only 7 years but everyone I know is having them one after the other ATM).

I've found an honest 'nope, 'twas a hell of a bloody shock' usually makes them bugger off quickly as there's not really anymore to be said.

I know the 'did you mean to be so rude' or other not so witty reply is popular on mn but I can only imagine the office gossiping and whispering if I actually came out with that gem every time someone asked!

beekeeper17 · 30/04/2017 10:02

People's plans often change once they're off on maternity leave compared to what they thought they'd do, so I think it's perfectly reasonable to just say at the moment I think I'll take 6/9/12 months off and I'll see nearer the time what my plans are for returning to work once the baby is actually here. And just leave it at that. Best not to make concrete plans now anyway as you may change your mind, I'm actually going back to work a bit earlier than planned, but using leave to work part time hours for a few months, whereas originally I though I'd want to have the maximum time off and then just go back full time.

GreatFuckability · 30/04/2017 10:03

also re: 're? that ' isn't necessary.

Piratesandpants · 30/04/2017 10:04

If you haven't decided yet, just say so. I work full time and I took two, one year maternity leaves. I often line manage people taking maternity leave. Being upfront and open helps everyone. If you know you're taking a year off, why not say so? Of course you have the right not to say anything intil the exact specified dates that you have to put things in writing, but, why not make cover etc easier to manage if you can? These things contribute to a happier workplace.

MoreThanUs · 30/04/2017 10:08

Thanks Great, I was wondering about that. I didn't know re was missing anything.

dilapidated · 30/04/2017 10:12

I just finished up for maternity leave and had lots of questions from colleagues.

They were all genuinely just interested and being nice.

I actually haven't decided what to do when I return or when I will return so I have told them that which is the same as what I told the bosses.

No idea how I will feel in 6 months time or 9 months time or so

Molehillfromamountain · 30/04/2017 10:17

Without sounding harsh op they don't really care, they are just making conversation to be polite. You could try telling them it's none of their business...I'm sure they'd stop asking you then.

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