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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to make up after saying she's not interested in our baby.

53 replies

patronsaintofglocks · 29/04/2017 18:32

Hi. Wondering if I could ask for some advice and see if I'm being totally unreasonable.

On New Year's Eve we went out with my mother in law and had a few too many. I was wearing high heels and lost my balance, unfortunately when I fell I grabbed her arm and she fell down too. She is usually quite volatile and no longer has any friends, nor speaks with her siblings and her other son, DIL and grandson due to her this.

She insisted on a trip to A and E, although she was fine and said she wanted nothing more to do with me. A little over two weeks on, we found out I was pregnant. She said she didn't want to be involved and was openly disapproving.

It's been 5 months now and although I've reached out three times. Once with an apology gift, once to ask her if she'd like to make up and be involved with the pregnancy, and yet again offering her to come to a gender scan. She's refused all via my partner and not spoken to me. She said she 'can't get over' New Years and doesn't want anything to do with us as a family. Hurtful of course.

Now she's found out we are having a girl she wants to meet up as she 'isn't interested in her other grandson (BIL's) and is pleased it's a girl.'

After 5 months of not asking if baby and I were dead or alive, I am upset and don't want to talk to her, nor see her. Especially now she's only interested we're having a girl. Am I being totally selfish?

OP posts:
BluePancakes · 29/04/2017 19:34

YANBU to be upset, and definitely be wary about her if you do make up with her.

YABU to say it's been 5 months - it's not quite 4months since NYE and only 3.5months since you found out you were pregnant.

I'll go take my place in pedant's corner now

Original poster
patronsaintofglocks · 29/04/2017 19:39

Sorry I kind of meant it from 18 weeks pregnant= 5 months pregnant.

Sorry x

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 29/04/2017 19:41

Def not, it's very unfair and wrong of her to be interested simply because it's a girl

MudCity · 29/04/2017 19:51

YANBU. She is going to blow hot and cold and you will be subjected to her whims. You won't need to do much for her to disengage from you again. I wouldn't invest too much in this relationship because she is likely to let you down.

Andrewofgg · 29/04/2017 19:58

If you want your LO to have the Grandmother from Hell, well, there swhe is. If not, stay away.

DistanceCall · 29/04/2017 20:04

I wouldn't be willing to let my child have contact with someone who only appreciates her because she's the right gender (and who will possibly treat her like a doll).

Keep yourself and your child away from her.

DistanceCall · 29/04/2017 20:06

Oh, and suppose you allow her to have a relationship with your daughter and then you go and have a little boy. Your MIL wouldn't want to have anything to do with him, because she's not interested in boys. What would that say to your children?

user1491326393 · 29/04/2017 20:11

She is going to want to buy nice clothes for your dd and show her off to people, that's it.

Mum2jenny · 29/04/2017 20:13

Tell her to fuck off, your child is not a trophy to be shared around.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/04/2017 20:13

Fuck her.

Thinkingblonde · 29/04/2017 20:15

You've reached out to her three times and she's rejected your attempts at smoothing things over.
She told you she wasn't interested in your baby but now she's found out it's a girl she wants to be involved?
Too add insult to injury she's rejecting her grandson in favour of your unborn child!!!
What happens if another grandchild makes an appearance? Will she then drop your daughter for the new one?
I'd want her nowhere near my child for fear of her dropping her like a stone.
No wonder she hadn't got any friends.

picklemepopcorn · 29/04/2017 20:17

Keep your daughter safe from this woman by going NC. I don't usually say that. My DM is hard to stay in contact with but ice persevered. In this case, don't get drawn in. Enjoy not having to worry about her!

Applebite · 29/04/2017 20:23

She sounds toxic.

BUT I lost my DM a long time ago and it hurts a lot that she won't know DD and vice versa. I make sure DD sees a lot of DP's mother, but she still has only one grandma now. Life is short, sometimes unexpectedly shorter than we think, and maybe she'll surprise you and be a great grandmother.

So for my tuppenceworth(less), i say give her a second chance and see how she gets on. If she bishes it up again, so you know she actually is toxic, then YANBU.

Northgate · 29/04/2017 20:24

I would be feeling a bit wary about meeting up and letting her get too close to your DC.

Not so much because of the comments about baby being a girl (although these are off putting in themselves - what if your DD doesn't fit MILs idea of what a girl should be?).

But.... MIL's already cut off friends, siblings, her other son, DIL and grandson because she's so "volatile". I'm guessing that this being quick to take offence (even where none is intended), and then reluctant to forgive, is typical behaviour from MIL?

If you let your DD form a close relationship with MIL, how long's it going to be before she falls foul of MIL's volatile nature? Small children can often be tactless and careless. MIL declaring that she doesn't want anything to do with a grandchild because of an accident or minor slight would surely be very upsetting for the grandchild.

Applebite · 29/04/2017 20:25

Hang on, somehow i missed the last bit about it being a girl.

Oooooof, that's horrible.

YANBU, OP. But tread carefully because she's your DP's mother and you don't want to make him feel worse than he probably already does.

DissonantInterval · 29/04/2017 20:34

Wow, she sounds very special! How on earth was it your fault if you tripped whilst rather sloshed (which she also was). That's a crazy thing to spurn someone over.

And to ignore her other GC because he's male is another ridiculous and nasty thing to do. As someone said, you are just an incubator for a girl GC. I don't think I'd want my child to be around such offensive and irrational behaviour.

pictish · 29/04/2017 20:37

She sounds like an utter nutcase. Best avoid.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 29/04/2017 20:38

She clearly only wants to interact with others on her terms - she's shown that very clearly. SHE made the decision that she didn't want to see you again, you tried three times to apologise/bring her round and she rejected all of them, now SHE wants a relationship with the baby because it's a girl.

Do life on your own terms and don't feel bad if that means not doing what she wants.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/04/2017 20:44

Tell her to fuck off. You did nothing wrong on NYE, but the fact that she is NC with her other son and his family and has no friends, speaks loud and clear on what kind of person she is.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/04/2017 20:47

I'm also guessing that she doesnt have a daughter, so your daughter will be her second chance. Well fuck that!!!

PhyllisNights · 29/04/2017 20:48

Leave the husband to the monster in law, he can deal with her. I have a nightmare for a mother in law too. She doesn't speak to her mother or siblings either.

Georgiemaisie7 · 29/04/2017 20:48

She sounds absolutely vile. What a bad influence she would be to your daughter!

I'd usually say give the person a second chance but in this case, Id say stay clear and give her a taste of her own medicine!

Elphaba99 · 29/04/2017 21:10

YANBU. She sounds very toxic. The bit where she's no longer speaking to basically everyone suggests she is the common denominator. I agree that she is going to make your baby her Golden Child which you definitely do NOT want. You reached out 3 times which is more than enough. Steer clear.

ohfourfoxache · 29/04/2017 21:56

Don't subject your dd to this toxic cowbag

TheMysteriousJackelope · 30/04/2017 16:08

Did she cut off the relatives and friends?

Another reason to be wary is if she has a habit of cutting people off, she may do the same to your child, either because of something the child does, or something you or your DH do. It's rough as an adult to be dropped like that, for a child it is both confusing and hurtful. From how she is treating you she is liable drop your family, then try to pick up again, then drop repeatedly. It's going to be hard to explain that to your child.