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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate DP socialising so much for work?

35 replies

HateFeelingInsecure · 27/04/2017 17:35

DP works in sales and there are periods twice a year where over the space of a couple of months he spends most of the week away from home. This time of year is approaching again and over the next five weeks DP will be away for four days, then three, then four, then a couple of overnighters. I'm filled with a sense of dread.

The thing that bothers me most is that when he's away, there's a LOT of socialising - he "has" to take women out for dinner and drinks - very attractive women (yes, to my shame, I've looked them up on LinkedIn and social media). He's admitted that he finds them attractive and would date them if he were single but then backtracks by saying they probably have partners, he has a partner etc.

The thought of him wining and dining these women makes me feel ill, especially since I feel he's lost interest in me sexually (I've tried to talk to him about this without getting very far, and I've tried nice underwear and coming on to him etc. but I feel that things are fizzling out.)

I don't think he'd actually cheat on me, but I'm worried that he might want to, because he seems disinterested in me. Also, because him being away causes arguments, it's probably a relief for him to be away from me and he probably enjoys being with women who don't cause him any problems.

Ugh. I'm feeling really low. I hate being like this

OP posts:

mustiwearabra · 27/04/2017 18:02

May I ask how long you've been together and if he's always commented that he would be interested in them if he were single? Do you have any children together? I ask because I'm wondering whether it would be a clean and easy break for you to give him the heave ho. My OH works in a role that requires a lot of socialising from just a coffee to a full blown night out. He certainly isn't chomping at the bit to go to these things and he wouldn't dare comment on the women that were there. There's a big difference between having a laugh with a few colleagues about so and so being a looker and having the cheek to make your OH feel down in the dumps by saying these things to her regularly.

patronsaintofglocks · 27/04/2017 18:06

Sounds like a twat

CassandraAusten · 27/04/2017 18:10

A male, married friend of mine has a job which involves a lot of socialising, especially around Christmas. He hates that time of year - too much wine and rich food, too much smalltalk with people he barely knows, too much time away from his wife and DC. So I think your problem is your DP, not the job

GwenStaceyRocks · 27/04/2017 18:10

It's not surprising you feel like this when he's making comments about the other women. It's not his work schedule that's the problem - it's his attitude that's the problem. He's pushing you into the pick me dance. Call his bluff. Wave him away happily. Arrange to spend time with your friends and/or family whilst he is away , and think about why you are with someone who deliberately tries to make you feel insecure

Original poster

HateFeelingInsecure · 27/04/2017 18:19

Hi Mustiwearabra - we've only been together for two years but we're getting married at the end of this year, we live together, I'm heavily emotionally invested in the relationship - I love him very much and I really want to spark his interest again, because I think that if I feel he desires me, I'll feel better about the socialising when he's away from home, because I'll know that it's me he wants.

Something that I appreciate about him is that he'll give me very honest answers - if I ask him if he finds a certain woman attractive, he'll consider it and say yes if he does. For example, I asked him about one of the women he goes out on these evenings with, and he said something like "well, if we met on a date capacity, I'd definitely go on a second date with her, yeah". On one hand I love and value his honesty, on the other, it kills me. Poor guy can't win

I know I have insecurity issues, but I don't know how to get myself feeling more positive and relaxed about him being away.

For the record I'm totally fine when he's out with his friends or weekends away with the boys; it's just this slightly louche work culture he's in.

OP posts:

Original poster

HateFeelingInsecure · 27/04/2017 18:21

Gwen, Cassandra, I'm really sorry if I've given the impression he deliberately makes me feel insecure - he doesn't; I think he's just painfully honest so he'll answer my questions truthfully!

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 27/04/2017 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaldricksTrousers · 27/04/2017 18:24

It's one thing being honest and another volunteering too much information. I would question why he is so readily telling you about his interest in these women. My DH goes out occasionally for nights out with workmates and there are usually several women there, but he would never ever ever dream of saying anything like what your DP says! And if I had a male colleague I fancied or was especially handsome, I'd certainly keep my thoughts to myself. Even though I wouldn't have an affair, and my DH trusts me, that kind of talk would make DH feel bad and maybe insecure. Like your DP is making you feel. He needs a sensitivity check.

Original poster

HateFeelingInsecure · 27/04/2017 18:49

But it's me asking the questions - probing, poking the wound! I WANT him to be honest. Anyway, I can see they're attractive, so if he denied thinking the same I'd be scornful of him and hurt that he's being dishonest with me.

Like I said, I'm giving him such a hard time, he'll be relieved to get away from me

OP posts:

BaldricksTrousers · 27/04/2017 18:52

If you keep asking questions and are a bit masochistic about it, it sounds as though you don't trust him. Why are you marrying a man you can't trust?

Imamouseduh · 27/04/2017 18:54

You sound very insecure and like hard work. I have to be very social with my job and it's really not that enjoyable. It's work.

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/04/2017 18:59

Why are you asking him when you know he'll be honest and you won't like the answers? Finding someone attractive doesn't mean he's incapable of keeping it in his trousers.

If it's because you don't trust him, then you shouldn't be marrying him.

If you do trust him, what does it matter what these women look like? You're the one he's marrying and comes home to at the end of the day.

DonaldStott · 27/04/2017 18:59

It does seem crazy to get married when you feel you need to dress up to excite him sexually as the sex is already fizzling out.

Also, you are aware of what his job involves, but you feel insecure due to him being surrounded by attractive women.

To be fair though he has basically said, if it wasn't for you, he would date them, so that can't be helping.

I would reassess the whole relationship before marrying.

mustiwearabra · 27/04/2017 19:08

I honestly think you break up and that you should consider counselling for your own confidence issues as they're stemming from somewhere.

Trifleorbust · 27/04/2017 19:10

I think his 'honesty' is rude and disrespectful. You say you really appreciate it but actually all that seems to be happening is that you are sitting at home, anxious, because you know your partner is going out with women he finds 'second date' attractive. He isn't supposed to be 'on a date', is he? He is a cheeky bastard and is negging you.

Butterymuffin · 27/04/2017 19:11

When he says he would date these women if he was single, does he add 'but I love you / it's you I want' or anything remotely reassuring? Or is it purely this painful honesty you get?

chestylarue52 · 27/04/2017 19:11

On the other hand...

I work in a job involving travel with mostly men (I've just been away for four days with 4 men and we've dined together every night bar one)

If I had a partner and he asked if I found them attractive I'd resent the question. One is kind of hot but arrogant, one has beautiful hair and a lovely way of talking to me but I don't like the way he talks about his gf, one has great dress sense etc etc etc. I'd have the wherewithal to LIE and say 'no they're all boring and ugly and I only have eyes for you' but it would be a lie!

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2017 19:12

Am I the only one who thought, "No, don't marry him!" right from the start?

OP, you can't live like this. You really can't. I'd be very suspicious of him anyway - tbh I wouldn't believe he had to spend all that time socialising. On top of this it sounds as though he's lost interest in you.

I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.

chestylarue52 · 27/04/2017 19:13

You say

Like I said, I'm giving him such a hard time, he'll be relieved to get away from me confused

So you're well aware the problem. Big girl time. Find your own 'out of the house' interests. Go out in the world. Find out what turns you on. Don't sit at home wringing your hands and making this man the focus of all your emotional attention.

Hellobye · 27/04/2017 19:15

Yes he can admit they are attractive if he has to but he should be saying things like, it's you I want to be with or I don't even notice these days as I'm happy with you.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 19:15

It's ok to find other people attractive when your in a relationship that's only natural but why would you tell your partner? If I see a nice looking man when out or I meet with one for my business etc I would never say to dh oh by the way if I was single I'd date and shag x. No need imo for such an honest answer as imo that answer is disrespectful

Trifleorbust · 27/04/2017 19:15

If my partner kept asking me whether I found clients who I had to spend time with attractive, I would get pissed off and tell him the questioning was out of line. I would never say I found any one of them particularly attractive. I would certainly never talk about the fact that I can't date them as they probably aren't single! I mean, WTF?

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 19:17

But it's me asking the questions - probing, poking the wound! I WANT him to be honest. Anyway, I can see they're attractive, so if he denied thinking the same I'd be scornful of him

If you push someone that hard, then actually I'm not that surprised he gave you the answer he did and tbh it sounds like no matter what he said you wouldn't of been happy.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 27/04/2017 19:21

This type of honesty is in my opinion a get out clause. It's like when people say " I tell it like it is " as an excuse for rudeness. If we all said exactly what we think all the time, nobody would have any friends. When you ask if he finds them attractive, his answer should be along the lines of....not as attractive as you....or...can't say I've noticed. He's basically telling you he fancies other women he is put socialising with but you can't be concerned as he is "just being honest".

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2017 19:21

The thing is that living with someone you can't trust does drive you crazy. You become a different person to the woman you want to be. So yes, we can see she's probing the wound, but to be fair to her, this guy isn't acting as he should, is he?

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