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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming at being left out of conversations because i'm a woman.

76 replies

justintimeforacuppa · 27/04/2017 08:51

This happens quite often, if me and DH get chatting to a man everything's fine till the talk turns to politics or world affairs, then it's like as if i'm not there. I've noticed it loads of times. It's as if what could i know about such things, a mere woman. The man will literally ignore me because it's "grown up talk" and what could i possibly know. It unfuriates me, anyone else get this?

OP posts:

bittorrent123 · 27/04/2017 10:26

DH always gets asked how work is going. We are in the same profession. I never get asked.

Our neighbour takes some of our deliveries in occasionally and every time I go to pick them up he says to me "spending all your husbands money are we?"

Never had it with politics etc though.

user1471545174 · 27/04/2017 10:32

You get this thing as well where you say something and no-one comments then a man says the same thing and everyone agrees loudly. It used to be satirised in that Arabella Weir Fast Show sketch back in the 90s.

You really need to INSIST on being heard (and yes that's how we get labelled but the only alternatives are being ignored and patronised).

I think this has got worse in the past 15 years. We seemed to be getting somewhere in the 90s.

Jng1 · 27/04/2017 10:36

no, YANBU and yes, I've had it too.

I think it's especially prevalent in the 50+ age group.

Went to buy a new car (for me) and DH came too. Despite me asking the original questions, DH got the full attention from the salesperson re engine size, gadgets etc and after about 15 minutes he finally turned to me and said 'and there's lots of space in the boot for the grocery shopping and the parking sensors are useful for getting into that tight space on the school run'.

Also with some of my friends' husbands at social events - they seem to assume that because I'm not currently working in a big corporate role that I have no brain/ nothing to say about anything remotely interesting!

I guess you have to get in first with a technical, intelligent question.

Original poster

justintimeforacuppa · 27/04/2017 10:41

pentapus they are lengthy chats, my Dh can talk for England, dogs love it because on beach running round like crazy. It's amazing what subjects get covered . I think a lot of these men are lonely, having dogs really are a great way to meet people, probably better than dating sites. we can easily chat for a good half hour. Some of the people we meet on our walks (men and women) have led such interesting lives, so not all bad.

OP posts:

RomanticWalksToTheFridge · 27/04/2017 10:43

Men get ignored too though on issues relating to children or the home though I find. DH does half the school runs (at least) but queries from the school re things like swimming kit; permission slips for excursions etc come to me. When DS went into A&E recently after an accident, both of us were there but the staff talked to me pretty exclusively about medication, what to look for if he was getting worse etc. Dh comments often he feels invisible.... Mum is the parent, Dad if he is there is largely ignored.

So I guess there is a wider issue about stereotypes generally -women can't be expected to talk about sport or politics, men can't be expected to know what is going on with the children.

fluffywuffydoda · 27/04/2017 10:48

Yep happened to me quite a lot, usually dps friends (who now thank god I don't have to see anymore). The look on their faces when I would contribute to the conversation with an actual opinion was a picture 😮.

I'm no wall flower there was no way I was going to let some bloke shoo me away whilst the men had a chat nooooo wayyyyy

APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/04/2017 10:57

I've never had this not even from older men. I'm genuinely surprised that attitude still exists.

happypoobum · 27/04/2017 11:01

Me too couch and I am an old gimmer. I never had this even when I was young - and I have always been blonde!

I work with a lot of men in their fifties and nobody ever does this to me or any of the other women I work with. Am in a city in South East, but even when I lived in Forrin it didn't happen................

tigercub50 · 27/04/2017 11:03

I've had it in restaurants where the waiter would just speak to DH & even if I was spoken to by the staff, they would often assume he was going to pay the bill. Also had a bit the same in garages but I speak up & make sure I ask loads of really technical sounding questions!

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 11:05

Ah now, on the rare occasions I am at that type of restaurant my DH instructs them to give me the wine list!

mousymary · 27/04/2017 11:12

Well, maybe I look like a man or something because I honestly don't think I've ever encountered people ignoring my opinion. It is slightly different at a works do where clearly I am the partner and unless my job is stratospherically interesting I'm not going to be worth talking to. I'm not very interested in talking to male partners of people either at such events. In fact partners at works dos are just a hideous carbuncle.

Anyway, I have encountered "sexism" or at least some kind of hostility from other women if I engage in football talk. On a couple of occasions a friend of dh has brought their wife to watch the football and it's sort of assumed (by the dh and wife, not my dh!) that I'm going to go in another room and not watch the football. It made it a bit awkward when I sat down to join in and received cats' bums mouth expressions from the couple.

Original poster

justintimeforacuppa · 27/04/2017 11:37

It's probably a throw back from the days when the men used to retire to the drawing room to talk about "man things" with their pipes and leave the women to talk about their embroidery and other "trivialities". So it definitely was a thing i suppose. I'm surprised the "oldies" like me have never come across something similar tbh. Maybe not dog walkers then. perhaps.

OP posts:

nelipotter · 27/04/2017 11:56

Ha. I have a degree in Political Science. TRY and shut me up!
I am also a righteous feminist and a card carrying greeny-lefty lattesipping socialist - if you don't want to talk politics with me, don't bring it up. Or hang out with me really.

Snotgobbler99 · 27/04/2017 11:58

So I guess there is a wider issue about stereotypes generally -women can't be expected to talk about sport or politics, men can't be expected to know what is going on with the children.

This is true. I worked in SN education for many years - a predominantly female environment - and was often sidelined when conversations turned towards certain subjects, as if I could make no worthwhile contribution. (These conversations, incidentally, would often revolve around the socialisation of boys. Obviously a subject on which I could have no useful experience or opinion ...).

If I meet a couple whom I don't know very well, I will tend to direct my conversation towards the man. Not because I'm uninterested in the woman's point of view but purely because I don't know them and I don't wish to appear to be expressing an unhealthy interest in the woman. In fact, I'm stereotyping the man - in case he's the over-protective type - not the woman.

I assume anyone who wants to talk about football to be a complete idiot, male or female.

UppityHumpty · 27/04/2017 12:00

My dh isn't really interested in politics but I am very passionate and he can feel left out if I get going. You need to be louder with your opinions and less meek - you also need to own your opinions and be able to argue. Not everything is about being a woman

theoryofmind · 27/04/2017 12:10

My experience is that men tend to talk about rather dull and unimportant things if left to themselves. If I want an interesting conversation I can always have one with a woman and most of the time the men know better than to try and join in.

Original poster

justintimeforacuppa · 27/04/2017 12:18

uppity i do have my own opinions and probably more knowledgable than DH about current affairs, but when the person speaking is only looking at my dh i tend not to try too hard to make myself heard. I get the impression these men think i wouldn't know what they're on about.

OP posts:

BouleBaker · 27/04/2017 12:30

The only time I have experienced with this is a complete arsewipe that DH knows. We both turned up at the pub to watch the football and I was greeted with the comment "oh just popping in before you go shopping are you?" No, I wasn't going fucking shopping, I was doing exactly what you are doing you git. He's full of shit like that though so I try not to judge the entire male half of the race on his actions.

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 27/04/2017 12:33

I hate this! When I was single and talking to men about anything business or finance-related, they would talk to me as an apparent equal. But as soon as DP came along, they would talk to him instead. I often felt I should jut sit in the corner and bring out some knitting or something for all the notice they took of me. Even if I asked a question, they'd address the answer to DP. I'm looking at you, mortgage lender and solicitor. So infuriating!

UppityHumpty · 27/04/2017 12:58

You need to make yourself heard OP. So what if they look elsewhere? Make them look at you. I'm a plain looking frumpy woman in investment banking - the first thing I ever learned was that you can't wait for someone to notice you. You make yourself noticed.

There are some great personal presentation and assertiveness training courses out there - strongly suggest going to one.

fluffywuffydoda · 27/04/2017 13:17

Just to add that the men I've experienced this from were not old, all at the time were in their mid twenties. I'd just moved to my dps hometown at the time and was so shocked at how old fashioned they were.

It used to make my blood boil the way they used to talk down to their partners, like openly laugh at them in front of all their friends. The women in question were so used to it they just took it, I wanted to tear a strip off them on their partners behalf. And if you were a "gobby" (I like to call opinionated) woman you were slagged off behind your back and not liked. I think many of them were quite threatened by intelligent women, all of them had absolutely no opinions on anything just all talked about everyone who they knew in the town, didn't dare venture out of their little narrow minded sphere. Misogynistic twats the lot of em

Couldn't wait to leave.

lljkk · 27/04/2017 14:27

Maybe you're taking this way too seriously... it sounds like they are blokes who fancy a chinwag with your DH... maybe b/c he's a bloke, but bottom line, your DH is the one they see as their chitchat friend, he's the person they have connected to.

Do you really want to be important to these people? If you're bored, why not take the dog & keep walking & leave them chinwagging?

milliemolliemou · 27/04/2017 15:02

Not just men. Put my DC into nursery (small village) for 2 hours while I scatted on with some work and female nursery owner said "come in DC while your mother does her shopping". to be fair, that was the nursery owners experience.
Ditto female teachers at DC's primary school - letters always to me and raised eyebrows when DH went in and had to explain my full time job and travelling meant I hadn't made a cake/signed a form. Again, tbf, most mothers were SAHM.
Both my parents worked and lived abroad. Even today, people ask what my father did that caused us to live abroad. But it was unusual then for a woman to work in a role that involved her travelling/senior position.

And I hate to say it but I've been guilty - going to a research area and presuming the very young girl meeting me was a PA/in HR/finance - she was the astrophysicist leading that particular part of research. Luckily my presumptions didn't show but I've been mentally on guard ever since. Now it particularly applies to old people - the dotty old great aunt in the corner could have in SOE/a great scientist/proud mother of five brought up against the odds. Or an astrophysicist.

Back to thread - OP, don't get riled. Either put in your pennyworth if you've something to say or just walk on. I presume that most dogwalking conversations won't change the universe.

StealthPolarBear · 27/04/2017 15:25

"
I think this has got worse in the past 15 years"
Agree. It's certainly not getting any better.

louise987 · 27/04/2017 15:33

Happens to me too and it drives me mad. Car sales men, staff at banks, estate agents, they always address my DH rather than me, for no good reason! TBH it generally happens with older men rather than those more our age (30-40)

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