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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at being left out of conversations because i'm a woman.

76 replies

justintimeforacuppa · 27/04/2017 08:51

This happens quite often, if me and DH get chatting to a man everything's fine till the talk turns to politics or world affairs, then it's like as if i'm not there. I've noticed it loads of times. It's as if what could i know about such things, a mere woman. The man will literally ignore me because it's "grown up talk" and what could i possibly know. It unfuriates me, anyone else get this?

OP posts:
diddl · 27/04/2017 09:33

Never happened to me, but if it starts, just say "bye" & continue your walk!

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 09:35

You have to be willing b to participate of course. For a while I used to follow local football teams so I could join in football chat at work. I was glad to leave that dull topic behind when I left tbh.

Locally now politics isn't discussed at any length by anyone really. Too much room for upset!

Wornoutbear · 27/04/2017 09:35

I have a dark secret - I am a train spotter. When go to take photos with my DH, people will always ask him what are we waiting for, what's going on - he always tells them to ask me, as he has no idea! One chap did ask me, and I told him, only for him to then ask DH! His reply "what she said - why would you ask me for the same information?" Mind you, train spotters are an odd bunch.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/04/2017 09:36

I find that men are often totally startled when I interrupt them the same way man-splainers to, with 'Well, actually..' Grin

happypoobum · 27/04/2017 09:36

I am in my fifties and this has never happened to me.

It seems very odd that this happens to you frequently and I suspect your DH could be the catalyst for it as he appears to be the common denominator.

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 09:37

And op of course yanbu. It's pathetic of them.

Dulcimena · 27/04/2017 09:44

I get infuriated by this too. Some of DH's family are Jehovah's Witnesses and the men talk to the men and the women talk to the women. I earn more and am higher qualified than DH (this doesn't matter a jot in our relationship) - but he's the Man. Drives me batty when I say something during a conversation and replies are directed solely to DH. I'm not even acknowledged.

I totally feel your pain!

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 09:48

My much older brother in law always looked unimpressed at my contributions to conversation. But 20 years on he has realised I'm not so daft and now often says "listen to moo moo".

Thank God I never sought his good opinion or I'd have been very frustrated for many years.

FriedPisces · 27/04/2017 09:52

I get this a bit at work. They also go off and check something I've told them because how can it be true if a woman told them. Angry

(Yes I am actively seeking alternative employment.)

RomanticWalksToTheFridge · 27/04/2017 09:57

The only time I can recall being blatantly left out of the conversation was when we took a very poorly and injured stray cat to the vet. I was heavily pregnant, and not only did the vet not speak to me at all, he never even looked at me when he was talking. In fact, even when I asked him a direct question he had his whole face and body angled away from me and spoke only to DH.

I commented to DH afterwards that it was really weird, and even thought that maybe he had some strange phobia about pregnant women (I was trying to figure out what on earth he was ignoring me for) because in the course of 20 minutes or so he never acknowledged me or spoke to me at all. Even when I was explaining to him exactly where and the circumstances we had found the cat he did not even look at me, just started fixedly at DH.

It was surreal. Like I literally did not exist.

We changed vet practices based on this and because we had been generally unimpressed with them-and later found out that our injured fluffy munchkin we named Meg was actually a boy. So apparently to this vet not only did I not exist, but nor did Meg's penis.

(Meg is fine by the way- been with us for 4 years now, and still called Meg).

charliethebear · 27/04/2017 09:58

This has definitely happened to me once or twice.
I
used to have a flatmate who would sort of acknowledge my opinion but like he was talking to a hysterical child, then ignore it and carry on talking to the other boys. He would sometimes blatantly come into a conversation and ask all the boys their opinion on something 'manly' and not ask mine. He was a right twat.

RomanticWalksToTheFridge · 27/04/2017 09:58

Oh no- DS is 7, so Meg's been with us 7 years! Gosh. Time flies.

CopperRose · 27/04/2017 10:00

It sounds like that Harry Enfield sketch 'women, know your place'.

This one TheLuminaries... Grin

I've never had that problem, but I am an opinionated twat with a portable soapbox...!!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

Galla · 27/04/2017 10:01

@KatharinaRosalie, I'm going to try that next time. What a good idea for some mansplaining back at them!

Original poster
justintimeforacuppa · 27/04/2017 10:05

I think it could be because i have a quieter speaking voice. Dh speaks louder, i don't think he even notices what's going on. I think some men are still of the mind set that certain subjects are off limits to women and they either wouldn't be interested or wouldn't know anything about it. I've noticed this attitude in older men rather than young ones tbh

OP posts:
JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 10:06

I think I must mansplain too..

ButtermilkPancakes · 27/04/2017 10:12

I get this about football. I like football, I am reasonably knowledgeable about it, and until DD came along used to attend home and away games regularly.
Yet in general conversations (work canteen, between parents at kids parties, etc.), any comments I made are completely ignored, like I haven't actually said anything out loud. It happened a few times that a man would make the same comment a few minutes later, and that got a response.

I once asked if having a uterus disqualified me from the conversation, and was told that although it didn't it was "not the same" talking to a woman about it. No one could explain why though. Confused

I have been feeling quite miffed about it, but my theory is that these conversations are not really about football or politics or whatever, they are some sort of male bonding thing. A bit like small talk about the weather isn't really about the weather.

Still won't stop me from adding my two cents Smile

DEMum101 · 27/04/2017 10:13

I am currently pregnant and my consultant, although lovely, has been known to do this when DH comes to an appointment. It is partly because DH is in a job within the NHS I think, but I did find it odd when they had a long discussion over my head about monitoring my blood pressure. Made me laugh more than anything though, probably only because it isn't something I come up against too often.

I do remember many years ago at university being in a room where some of the men were watching Formula 1, and expressing an opinion on something to do with a recent change in engine. Every single male head turned and their jaws dropped like a strange alien had just landed in the room. It amuses me whenever I think about it (especially as I was just reciting something my Dad and I had been discussing the previous night - I left fairly swiftly to avoid ruining my new reputation as that most terrifying of women - one with knowledge of a man topic).

brassbrass · 27/04/2017 10:15

this happened to me at the garage...my car, me paying for the work, me asking questions, me stood at the counter in front of the man and yep you've guessed it he would only look at and speak to DH who was stood by the door. We haven't used that garage again.

Great name moomoo you're on my gym playlist Grin

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 10:18

Buttermilk I used football chat entirely as social interaction so i wasnt trying to put any point across.

Now when I watched boxing with some flatmates and was actually knowledgeable (coming from a family background of dad and uncle as amateurs and having a trainer as a family friend) my one flatmate clearly could not cope and looked very stressed in pointedly not responding to me!

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 27/04/2017 10:21

I live in a village and we are on chatting terms with many people here. DH, who is an academic, gets asks about his work a lot, his current research, the book he's writing, etc. I do the same fucking job! I am also writing a book! People only want to talk to me about baking and dogs! Oh, and when I go abroad for conferences or fieldwork, there's this insinuation from some of the women here that I'm a selfish career bitch for leaving poor DH to fend for himself. They even invite him round to their houses for dinner.

JustifiedAncientofMooMoo · 27/04/2017 10:21

Do you know I tried JAofMuMu and it was taken!

scaryclown · 27/04/2017 10:23

They are not ignoring you. Think stag beetles.

Pentapus · 27/04/2017 10:24

Another one here wondering how one gets to be discussing world politics with strangers while walking the dog. It would have to be a lengthy chat to get to that stage, no? Doesn't your dog get bored and wander off?

Though my neighbour did gesture at a freshly picked dog poo in a poo bag asking if it was my vote for Corbyn!

BetsyM00 · 27/04/2017 10:24

Happens to me all the time.
I have a neighbour who talked over and ignored me when discussing with my husband about his plans to lay an electricity cable to his garage through my garden. I have decided to let him hire the digger for doing the work before I put a stop to it. Its is MY house and MY garden, nothing to do with my husband.

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