To be upset for DS

[Lesdiscrets]

DS (18) has being seeing a girl for about 6 months. She treats him like crap and im sick of having him come home in bits over her.
An example of this is he works, she does not, she asked him to get her a dress tp which he said she cant afford. She broke up with him stating she will find someone who can afford to buy her nice things.
Anyway. Last night he comes home in bits telling me shes cheating on him, they have got in a arguments and shes attacked him his face and neck are full of scratch marks. He goes to bed in bits.
Tonight they go out for a drink to talk about things and it end in a argument. My son who is trying to get home is getting abused by her when a passer by decides to get involved and starts ganging up on my son.
The woman was telling my son how disgusting he is for leaving a woman crying, how ashamed he should be for treating her this way and so on.
Again my son comes home in bits being made to feel like the bad guy.
The girl turned up at my house claiming she has been raped and telling my son its his fault for leaving her to walk here alone.
I said ill call the police and she is telling me not to bother. I tell her to sit down, tell my son to put the kettle on and I begin to ring the police. Shes screaming at me not to and I tell her its the only way to catch the guy who did this to her.
I get through to the police and they come to my house, take her clothes (I gave her some of my pyjamas) and get a sample of her wee as she refused point blank to go with them claiming she just wants to sleep. The police get a description and say they will get a statement tomorrow what she is calmer

I got a number for her parents from her and her parents came to collect her her mother calmly told me at the door this wasnt the first time shes claimed this has happened and shes sorry for the trouble!

My son is a mess and doesnt know what to think!
Aibu to be annoyed at this girl? I dont know if whats happened is true but the way her mum shrugged it off im inclined to think its highly possible its not! But if it is true I feel utterly awful to be so angry

Yes, tell him she can't come. It'll be a bloody nightmare if she does and defeats the purpose of the visit.

Let her come along if you can bear it. If she behaves herself all well and good. If she doesn't then perhaps he'll see her for what she might be. You may have to leave early but better that ....
The worst outcome is to leave him and her behind and have another grim fall out. She is clearly troubled - poor her and what are her parents doing? - but potentially even poorer him. It seems to be his first love he's clearly besotted and has nothing normal to compare it with.

Do you really think he invited her, or did she invite herself? If not directly, then by playing on his feelings.

It's a hard one. Personally I wouldn't want her along, but I expect you run the risk of him saying he won't come if she's not allowed.

Don't think she doesn't know why this 'sudden trip'. I'm sure she's canny enough to figure it out, especially if her mother has told her what you've said.

I'd say it's family time on this occasion

I spoke to her parents the "rape" was a lie

Cue me not the slightest bit surprised. If some innocent man was hauled in by the police over this revolting lie, then she needs the book thrown at her. It's only a matter of time before she accuses your son of doing the same thing.

I know "love can be blind", but I'm horrified and saddened at your son's naivety at thinking this girl isn't bad news. Does he have self esteem issues that make him think this sort of treatment is okay?

Under no circumstances would I let this girl come along on the family trip. She'll put some sort of stunt and ruin the entire weekend for everyone.

Oh OP

She sounds as if she may have a personality disorder. It will skewer all her perceptions of interpersonal relationships and how to act/behave toward people hence the rape lie and need to kill herself when things do not go her way - dramatics. You're right - you're not responsible for her mental health and I hope her parents are getting her the support she so desperately needs. Being unable to control emotions and reactions is an illness in itself but you are right to not want your son dragged into this; she's abusing him and his good nature whilst at the same time trying to decimate those around her who appear to not tow her line. Very scary to think she's only 18 and already has this pattern of behaviour.

My DP was with a girl very similar to your DS girlfriend when he was 17-19 and many of the things she's said or done to your DS happened to my DP too. Claiming rape, naming him feel inadequate, pitching him against other men because he wasn't 'good' enough. She would tell him she would kill herself if he didn't stay with her or forgive her for cheating etc, and my DP felt so afraid she would do it (she wouldn't, never had intention to, and is still alive and kicking today) that he felt he couldn't possibly leave her, even though he did want to (which differs to how your son feels). She'd threaten suicide and then send him pictures of her self harming. She lied that she was on the pill and although she never fell pregnant as my DP always used protection, she would often claim to be pregnant or to have had a miscarriage in order to prevent him from leaving her at the point in which he was feeling strong enough to do so. She was a deeply insecure, destructive girl who wanted to be loved but had absolutely no idea how to receive it without manipulation and coercing another person into doing so - very sad, but not my DP's problem; he tried to get her help but she sabotaged every effort going, and the final straw was her cheating on him at his birthday party, in front of him and all his friends. My DP, to this day, finds it very hard to deal with strong emotions or reactions (both his own and others) as it reminds him of that brief period of time, and he's sought therapy for it since we've been together to try and understand that strong emotions = fine, manipulative emotions = not fine.

The point PP made about contraception is REALLY important. It wouldn't be a surprise if she's claiming to be on the pill and begging your DS to not use condoms because of XYZ reason. I imagine she'd kick up a fuss and DS may end up not using them to prevent rocking the unstable boat and 'she's on the pill anyway' but I can bet you she won't be. It's a way of control - she wants to force the relationship into the very destructive pattern of drama/conflict/victim - it's a pattern in her head which she thinks is normal and it's not and she'll need help to unravel it, but the main priority is getting your lovely sweet DS away from her for the time being.

Im going to have to let her come as I will just be worried my boy will end up in bits if I allow him to stay with her. Hes gone the ill stay instead route
Im seeing his self esteem crumbling in front of me hes even talking about stopping sport! One of his childhood friends (the daughter of my friend) came to see me for a coffee. She is beginning to express concern as my son has cut her out completely. They grew up together, born two days apart.

I want to ask all his friends see if they can tell me anymore but its risking my son feeling like im invading his privacy. The idea of her getting pregnant is horrifying! I do stress that I dont want grandchildren yet

She begins to sound more and more like DS2's former gf. She had DS convinced that 'everyone was against her' and 'only he could fix her'. Because he's an adult, there's just not much you can really do other than talk to him and walk that fine line between trying to open his eyes and what he will perceive as attacking her.

In retrospect, DS2 wishes we had been a bit more 'forceful' in expressing our opinions and concerns but also admits he probably wouldn't have listened if we had.

Just keep the lines of communication open and do try to gently point out things she does that are not what a caring gf would do. He may not take it well, but he will remember them. If his friends don't like her you can be sure they are telling them that, too. Hopefully the cumulative effect will be enough to open his eyes.

Talk to his childhood friends mother, and if she is close enough, trustworthy enough, she might be able to enlighten you about what the wider friendship group are saying, how they can help.

This type of bullying is insidious - he needs help (and you do). He needs his friends and family wrapped round him at this stage to help him see the wood through the trees. (So do you)

How awful for your Son. Hopefully she isn't lying about being raped, but if she is, this may open your Son's eyes to the person she is.

I wouldn't be happy about her assaulting your Son though and leaving marks on him, was this mentioned to the Police? I'm only asking as if she goes ahead with rape claim and has his DNA under her fingernails (absolute worst case I know) you never know what lies she could make up to cover herself