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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset for DS

60 replies

Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 00:09

DS (18) has being seeing a girl for about 6 months. She treats him like crap and im sick of having him come home in bits over her.
An example of this is he works, she does not, she asked him to get her a dress tp which he said she cant afford. She broke up with him stating she will find someone who can afford to buy her nice things.
Anyway. Last night he comes home in bits telling me shes cheating on him, they have got in a arguments and shes attacked him his face and neck are full of scratch marks. He goes to bed in bits.
Tonight they go out for a drink to talk about things and it end in a argument. My son who is trying to get home is getting abused by her when a passer by decides to get involved and starts ganging up on my son.
The woman was telling my son how disgusting he is for leaving a woman crying, how ashamed he should be for treating her this way and so on.
Again my son comes home in bits being made to feel like the bad guy.
The girl turned up at my house claiming she has been raped and telling my son its his fault for leaving her to walk here alone.
I said ill call the police and she is telling me not to bother. I tell her to sit down, tell my son to put the kettle on and I begin to ring the police. Shes screaming at me not to and I tell her its the only way to catch the guy who did this to her.
I get through to the police and they come to my house, take her clothes (I gave her some of my pyjamas) and get a sample of her wee as she refused point blank to go with them claiming she just wants to sleep. The police get a description and say they will get a statement tomorrow what she is calmer

I got a number for her parents from her and her parents came to collect her her mother calmly told me at the door this wasnt the first time shes claimed this has happened and shes sorry for the trouble!

My son is a mess and doesnt know what to think!
Aibu to be annoyed at this girl? I dont know if whats happened is true but the way her mum shrugged it off im inclined to think its highly possible its not! But if it is true I feel utterly awful to be so angry

OP posts:
CaoNiMartacus · 27/04/2017 05:54

I strongly recommend that you encourage him away from this girl. One of my younger brothers had a girlfriend who sounds very much like your DS's. My bro is currently on remand after the girl falsely accused him of DV.

claraschu · 27/04/2017 07:30

I think that everyone agrees the best thing is to get him away from her, but the question is how to do it. When we were going through this hell with our son, the only thing I could do was to be extremely warm, loving, and non-controlling and to try to make home as attractive as possible to him.

I was hoping he would realise that people can be kind, even-tempered, and accepting: this provided a contrast to the behaviour and temperament of the controlling and abusive girlfriend. Ultimately my son figured out that he didn't have to keep trying to solve her unsolvable problems and accepting her abuse. It took a long time and a lot of pain though, and I will never know if my behaviour helped him, made no difference, or just prolonged the agony Sad.

Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 09:04

I havent slept. I heard my lad rustling about this morning and got up to make him breakfast like pp suggested. Hes in work and has rugby later. I asked him if he wants tea making or if hes going out with the lads. He told me he was going to see her before rugby but would be home straight after rugby.
Iv asked him if hes heard from her and that he might be better waiting for her to get in touch. To which he asks me what sort of person he would be if he did go see her.

I dont think hes ready to give up on this. Thank for past poster for that leaflet I will be printing it off for him today. Also thank you to poster who mentioned condoms! Ill be off to get some of them for him today!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 09:05

Didnt go see her*

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AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2017 18:21

Went through this with one of my sons. We could see how she was but he couldn't see it and would defend and defend her. We finally just said "Well, we've made it clear how we feel". Even his older brother would tell him he deserved better. We all wish now that we'd been more vocal and enlisted help from his friends.

It all went to shit finally, when she cheated on him. But she did a huge number on him before (emotional/physical abuse) that sent him into a tailspin and has left marks on him still, almost 5 years later.

ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2017 18:38

Your poor DS Sad

All I can suggest is what we did when my sister was in an abusive relationship and she continued to defend him: we stopped criticising. It was so bloody hard to do, but being negative just pushed her closer to him. He was from a very different background and she felt she could "save" him - perhaps your son feels similar if this girl is obviously troubled?

Actually I think a bit of a lightbulb moment happened when she posted on here herself and she got some pretty hard truths. Do you think he might find it it helpful to post his own thread on here asking for advice?

ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2017 18:39

You sound bloody marvellous btw - he's very lucky to have such a supportive mum Thanks

Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 19:43

Hes at her house now. Im going to talk to him when hes home. A "how is she" "how are you feeling about everything" and shee if he gives me any information.
I wish I could get him to post on here but I think he would be mortified if he knew I had and also dont think he would take the advice and would jump to her defense.

His dad walked out on us when he was 12. For his 12th birthday he gave him £20 and said he has another baby on the way and that my son would just get in the way.
Yes he said this to his face at 12!

He has since suffered from very bad rejection issues and depression which he only really overcome at around 16 with sport and friends ... and his old mum even now he sobs and tells me everything but when it comes to her he wont listen.

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saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 27/04/2017 19:51

Assuming she is around the same age as him, you've got to wonder why she is doing this? I am a tad uneasy at her being called a bitch etc......she sounds a bit vulnerable herself TBH if she feels the need to do this sort of stuff. Not the physical stuff which is bad - but making up she's been raped - that is seriously a worry.

Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 19:58

Salt

At this point I dont know if shes made it up or not all I know is her parent said she has before. I dont know this girls issues but from what I know she comes from a good background. Clearly the girl has got mental health issues or issues of some kind but she is abusing my son and that I can not stand by and let happen because this girl has problems.
If she had come to me for support I would of helped but all she has brought me is a beaten down son and now the police to my door.
I can not be responsible for her mental health when I have my sons to deal with nor do I know if her parents are dealing with it. I suppose this is all information I need to gain from my son.

If she has a lack of support from home I guess I should try and get her the help she needs? I dont know? But not at the cost of my own son

OP posts:
stella23 · 27/04/2017 20:13

You have to put your son first, he's your only concern, concentrate on him.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/04/2017 20:19

If she has a lack of support from home I guess I should try and get her the help she needs?

Sadly I think you need to keep your distance, be kind, supportive and constructive when necessary (as you were last night) but don't try and take on the mantle of "saving" her. It won't help you or your son to become further enmeshed in her problems when they come with such damaging consequences for your DS.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 27/04/2017 20:21

Sorry - I didn't mean to imply that anything she was doing was acceptable. But she does sound troubled. But yes of course, your priority is your son. But at that age, it might be a case of just being there to cuddle him when it all comes crashing down. Trying to put him off her could backfire.

Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 20:34

I just hate all of this. Do you think speaking with her parents might help at all?

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Allthebestnamesareused · 27/04/2017 20:40

Yes - I would speak to the parents but restrict what you speak about to the "rape", ask if she is okay, is she getting support etc?

You might be surprised with what they tell you if they have already suggested there has been a prior false allegation. Then if it then feels appropriate it might be worth going into how she is emotionally blackmailing your son etc/

Wando1986 · 27/04/2017 20:52

You need to get involved on his behalf and tell her if she ever comes nears your son again she won't see daylight and if she comes near the house you'll call the police again. I would also stress the police take it further with regards to false allegations. They don't take it lightly and she needs the shock.

I would throttle any little horror who treated my son like that.

Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 27/04/2017 20:58

Wando1986

At 18 keeping her away will just mean he that he will go to her.

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samlovesdilys · 27/04/2017 21:00

Is there any way he could take a break? Go away? Stay with friends or family, have a short holiday with mates? Anything to allow him to gain some space and perspective on the relationship.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 27/04/2017 21:03

This girl sounds like my DPs ex. She ended cheating on him after giving him an STI. When he finally refused to get back with her she reported him for rape too.
Your DS needs to get away from her which is easier said than done.
Hope you manage to get a solution

MadMags · 27/04/2017 21:11

Where they both pissed last night? Sounds like she was?

Your poor ds. Sad

Sadly, I think all you can do is wait for it to run its course.

I wouldn't be asking him anything about her. And if you see her again, I would be very cool and distantly polite.

Then she'll kick off with "your mum hates me" drama and hopefully she'll be too much like hard work!

PutABitofButteronTheSpudsAndre · 27/04/2017 21:24

This sounds very like a situation a friend of mines ds is in.
All I would say is- have a gentle word with him about being responsible with contraception - now is not the time to end up with a not very accidental baby on the way.

emmyrose2000 · 28/04/2017 13:14

Based on her description here, I have very grave doubts about the reality of this recent supposed attack by some other guy. I'd be terrified that this girl would make up lies about your DS raping or attacking her. If/when that happens his life will basically be over as it's almost impossible for a man to escape that sort of crap, even when they're 100% innocent. I'd try and hammer that home to him as much as possible, although I understand it seems doubtful he'll actually listen at this stage. I just hope he doesn't have to find out the hard way.

I feel very sorry for your son that he thinks this sort of abuse is okay.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2017 18:35

I actually think what samloves suggests is a good idea. It could really be helpful if your DS could get away and just breathe and think.

If he can get time off work, is there someone (a good friend or sibling?) he could spend a long weekend away with?

MatildaTheCat · 28/04/2017 18:44

She's physically attacked him and potentially has form for calling rape. That's very serious in terms of risk for your ds.

Could you call the DV services locally and ask if anyone could advise you or even speak to him? And he does sound very vulnerable in terms of needing to be loved, would he ever access any counselling or some kind of online service to help boost his self esteem and see just how unhealthy this relaxation ship is?

Poor boy, he should be having fun.

Original poster
Lesdiscrets · 30/04/2017 18:14

Thanks everyone.
I spoke to her parents the "rape" was a lie. She suffers with mental health and commonly makes up stories or "tries to kill herself" when she doesnt get her own way.
I have spoke to my son about all of this and he just said "everyone has issues" so seems I still cant get him to see sense even after explaining that her lies could be about him next. His response "she loves me she wouldnt do that"
I have suggested us going to see family next weekend to have some time away from stress and hes invited her to come along! Do I tell him she cant come?

This really is all far to much stress

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