To retract this offer to STBXH?

[Welshmaenad]

Ex and I separated about 18 months ago, and I finally moved out with the children (11 and 7 now) a year ago into my own home. This was made possible thanks to my dad who gave me the money to buy my home outright with inheritance from my mum who died two years previously (lack of emotional support following my mums death is one of many reason I opted to leave ex).

Sadly my dad died in August, and my sister and I have sold his and mums house now. We are very lucky to have been left a sizeable inheritance., though obviously I would live in a shed to have my parents back.

I have already given ex a sum of £5k to clear his car finance and renew furniture in the room the children share at his (formerly our) home. There are other things that need doing, about 10k worth in total, and I had offered him the money to do these jobs.

Ex has recently started dating a new girlfriend. His previous GF was lovely, I liked her and she was kind to my kids and I was sad when they split. She even came to my dads funeral to support ex and I asked her to join us in the family pews as ex was a pallbearer. Just adding this for background to demonstrate that I don't have general issues with his new partners.

New GF however, is completely unstable. She hates me (we have never met) is jealous of the fact that ex and had a friendly co parenting relationship, by his own admission she throws tantrums whenever he mentions me. She had a hissy fit when I commented on a post in his Facebook wall and has now blocked me as seeing us interact is traumatic. She broke up with him over these jealousy issues, self harmed in his house then drove off under the influence of +++alcohol with him warning me to move my car in case she ram raided it on her way past my home. All this is now conveniently forgotten and he is well and truly under her spell. He has now informed me that I am controlling and manipulative, that I am trying to control him with the offer of money and SHE (GF) will not accept it.

For context, even when married we maintained separate finances, I paid for about £20k of improvements to his house already with an inheritance from my grandfather some years ago, my parents paid for a new bathroom a few years ago as a gift, as well as a new front door, improvements to the kitchen etc, so I have sunk a fair bit of money into the property, but I am happy to walk away and make no claim on it. Also, he does not pay any maintenance for the children, by mutual agreement.

I have now made an appointment with a solicitor - I'm sad about this as we had said we would sort things out without involving them - but I'm concerned by how she seems to dictating things to him and think I need some legal support to protect myself and the kids. I intend to file for divorce, and request a clean break order financially, as well as looking at a child arrangement order that outlines that the children reside with me.

He has now relented and said that he will speak to GF about accepting the money - at this stage am I U to tell him to fuck the fuck off? They've been together less than 3 months and she appears to be angling to move in and I'm not keen to fund housing improvements if she could subsequently try to make a claim on the property. I never had any intention of trying to control him with money, I was just trying to be kind and fair, but now I am pissed off.

WWYD?

Thanks for all your advice. I met with my caseworker this morning, and started the process of divorce citing unreasonable behaviour.

She's confident we can sort everything out via mediation and has recommended a clean break order, she feels that as I inherited post separation and there is no demonstrable 'need' for ex to have part of the money, that even if he did go the court route, the funds from the inheritance would be set aside. I'm hopeful it won't get to that stage though, and that he won't contest anything. He's currently deciding not to communicate with me at all, though, so we'll have to see.

None of the girlfriend stuff is relevant.

YANBU to not give him any more money, you've changed your mind and want to keep it for the children is enough.

Good luck OP.

Even if he is not communicating with you, hopefully he or his solicitor will communicate with your solicitor.

though he might contest it you want to take 50% (or more from the house) and being post seperation is no garnetee as it could still be classed a martial assit if it put you in a massivaly more favourable postion aka your own house out right large amount of money in bank and half of your ex house with your EX only having half (or less of the house) would likely not be seen as fair by the court so if they set aside your inhertence they might rule that all your needs are meet and you need nothing else so could end up with legal fees

(but only if you apply for part of house drag it to courts)

I don't think I'm going to pursue an interest in his property. A clean break is a clean break. I may suggest during mediation that he voluntarily sign a percentage of it over to the children, but at the end of the day it is more important to me to protect my own assets so I can guarantee the children benefit from them (half of my inheritance is worth much more than half of his house). Even if they get nothing from their father, they are well provided for, and whilst their paternal grandparents are generally useless emotionally, they have saved for the children since they were born and that is held in their names also.

I have also made an appointment for the solicitors to draw up a will for me to ensure the kids interests are protected if anything happens to me - my sister and BIL have agreed to act as trustees in that instance.