to monitor my child's messages

[Takamine]

without him knowing?

He's 12 and has an iPhone. I've installed software which allows me to monitor incoming and outgoing messages.

He is aware that I peridocally check his phone so he deletes everything.

Things have been a bit up and down with him at the moment which is why I'm keeping an eye on it but I'm having a moral wobble....

So... AIBU?

I think that's fine for text messages etc between him and his friends I wouldn't check them. But I absolutely will check his social media use. I checked it again with him after I was reading this thread and even after cleaning it up there were another 2 messages from unknown older females asking him to chat. This then sparked a discussion on trust and the use of social media/pictures etc and he was happy to block them and delete the messages. They have had the same messages from the school, the police and his football team. As a parent until they are older and more mature i think if you are letting them have access to social media then you need to keep an eye on it and what they are doing. So much of this is new since we were all teenagers x

YABU to do it without him knowing. YANBU to monitor him. It's the responsible thing to do.
I checked my dd's phone randomly but usually every 1-2 weeks at that age.

Mortified or not, if he is deleting messages, it just shows that he needs keeping an eye on. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't delete anything.

And those saying "spy on your kids" have you watched 13 reasons why? yes, the kids are older, but the topics covered in the programme do happen at younger ages, and it why we SHOULD be looking out for our kids. Watched EastEnders recently? The Becs storyline?

A young girl was groomed by an adult pretending to be a kid her own age, she met up with him, was raped, and murdered. And the messages were all over her phone, social media messaging apps.

Why give your child something that potentially makes them vulnerable, and not police it??

It must be awful for some people to let their children have some privacy. I'm sure you wouldn't mind your partner/mum etc check in on you all the time. My daughter has plenty of privacy. I also randomly check her phone/tablet.

Glad I did one time because a friend was talking self harm, sharing dick pics (that she found on the internet) in PM's on instagram. her and another girl were a random adult "dad" and he was "educating" them with sexualised pictures of women. VERY sexualised. They are12/13!! My daughter wasn't an active part of this group, but she was invited, so was getting notifications.

I told her friends parents, and neither had any idea what their children were doing. With one family it actually opened a huge dialogue that has altered their lives that would not have came to light if the parents weren't aware of her behaviour on this group. The girl was on the brink of some very serious self harming behaviour.

Her mum having the knowledge I gave her turned the girls life around for the better.

The man was known to both girls, and was "harmless" I beg to differ.

I agree, I don't lie to my daughter. She knows I will check her phone.

Different if you read all of my replies you would know what I meant.

he is under 18 so legally you have an obligation to check that he is safe.

My DSS is 13 and DSD is 11 - it is an open phone policy here and at their mums. No changing passwords without telling us and we can check at any point and that includes me or their Step dad. If they refuse they lose the phone.

So if he needs a phone due to distance to school and is being secretive about messages etc then YANBU to check in a more covert manner.

And at their ages, if I had concerns I would absolutely read a diary or anything that would assist me in protecting them.

"Mortified or not, if he is deleting messages, it just shows that he needs keeping an eye on. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't delete anything."

The OP mentioned a girl in a subsequent message. If he's a normal 12-year-old boy, there is plenty he could discuss with friends that he should be able to keep private. Deleting messages doesn't necessarily mean he's doing anything sinister - just that he's going through his first big crush, which is part of growing up!

Absolutely you should be monitoring his phone useage but I would be uncomfortable about the secretive nature of a spying app and the potential fallout when he finds out

Could you talk to him and explain your concerns and that you will check his phone randomly and he is not to delete history or messages etc. If he continues to try to hide things, tell him you will have no choice but to put monitoring software in place because you are his parent and responsible for his safety. You want to trust him but he's currently showing himself not to be trustworthy by hiding things.

Sorry OP, but I have to disagree with the spyware. Monitoring his phone with his acknowledgment - yes, monitoring his messages without him being aware - no. It's completely a lack of privacy, and you should respect that he will have things to say to friends that are private.
You need to be open, and honest with him that you are concerned. If he finds out you are snooping, he may never trust you to open up.

I think that using Spyware could really damage his trust in you. I understand you have concerns but on the face of it it comes across as very controlling. I think if I had a 12 year old and couldn't trust them not to hide things from me I'd rather he didn't have a phone. 12 year olds don't really need to have a mobile

I told my girls that the condition on them having a phone was that I would have the passcode and would check it from time to time, and I do.
They are 10 and 11....when they are older I might check less but only if I feel confident that they are using their phone safely etc...will just see how it goes.
At 12 I think you are doing the right thing op.