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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to monitor my child's messages

63 replies

Takamine · 25/04/2017 18:56

without him knowing?

He's 12 and has an iPhone. I've installed software which allows me to monitor incoming and outgoing messages.

He is aware that I peridocally check his phone so he deletes everything.

Things have been a bit up and down with him at the moment which is why I'm keeping an eye on it but I'm having a moral wobble....

So... AIBU?

OP posts:
BahHumbygge · 25/04/2017 19:29

Intelligent article here about the repercussions of spying...

nautil.us/issue/35/boundaries/parents-shouldnt-spy-on-their-kids

VestalVirgin · 25/04/2017 19:29

You monitor his messages to his friends? That is over the top. I'd understand it if he had internet access, but at 12, he might start to be interested in girls (or boys, who knows?) and need some privacy.

Bullying is something he would probably tell you about.

(Though I can't say that the adults in my life have been at all helpful when I was bullied in school. And I wouldn't have written about it on my phone, anyway.)

Original poster
Takamine · 25/04/2017 19:30

DontPullThatTubeOut Doesn't trust me? Doesn't trust me to do what...?

OP posts:
Original poster
Takamine · 25/04/2017 19:32

There's been a spike in bullying related suicides in this area which might be why I'm being sensitive and possibly over the top.

Thank you for the article link, I will have a read.

OP posts:
AndNowItIsSeven · 25/04/2017 19:48

Thanks Takamine I unashamedly check my 12 year olds texts, due to the bullying her older sister endured.

Wickmum75 · 25/04/2017 19:52

I check my son's phone. He's 12 as well. He knows I check it, it's part of our agreement. We try to encourage him to be open with us and so far he's been very good about telling us if anothing is worrying him. I haven't come across anything unexpected yet

Wickmum75 · 25/04/2017 19:53

*anything

mumontherun14 · 25/04/2017 19:59

I have a son the same age and I monitor his instagram messages. That was one of the conditions he could get Instagram. All his friends have it and they use it to arrange to meet up. When I checked it the first time there were several messages from what looked like older females he didn't know. He was worried about it and didn't know what to do. He was glad when I saw it and we talked about never accepting people you don't know and tightened up all his security and I am his friend on instagram with the agreement I won't post or comment but can see his posts. My view is that you are the parent it is your job to keep them safe online or offline. It's such a minefield but I think it's important to keep an eye on what they are doing online and who they are contacting xxx

carefreeeee · 25/04/2017 20:07

You can check his messages if you want but to do it without his knowledge is absolutely wrong! I can't believe you think it's ok to spy on him like this. Why shouldn't he have privacy with his friends? He is perfectly entitled to 'clam up' if he wants to. he is growing up and won't want to tell you everything.

It sounds like you are being nosy and controlling and nothing to do with protecting him.

When he finds out he will never trust you again.

You should tell him about the software immediately.

carefreeeee · 25/04/2017 20:10

My mother used to read my diary and since I found out I never trust her with anything and end up telling her a lot less than I probably would have. You need to trust your son before he will trust you enough to open up about whatever is bothering him. Monitor him by all means but you must make him aware that you have this software

Whatsername17 · 25/04/2017 20:14

Yanbu! You must! I'm a head of year so I've seen some scary stuff. Monitoring is absolutely needed.

WhooooAmI24601 · 25/04/2017 20:16

DS1 is 11 and I honestly don't think I've ever checked his messages. He's very open with his phone and talks to me about most things. I've put restrictions in place for it, though, and he has no social media accounts (which I'm certain of because he has to have the password to download new apps).

In your shoes I think I'd remove the phone til you get to the bottom of his behaviour. Deleting messages would worry me, as would the secretive behaviour. In your situation I'd be checking up, often.

Original poster
Takamine · 25/04/2017 20:17

Such conflicting views Confused There's a situation unfolding which I feel I should be keeping an eye on but at the same time I don't want to push him away Sad

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 25/04/2017 20:18

I don't think it's right, I'm sorry. I understand your concerns, but all you're teaching him is that he isn't allowed private communications or secrets, even silly ones. He might be a child, but he deserves privacy. You can't monitor every communication he ever has. What you can do is make sure he trusts you enough to tell you when there are problems.

pringlecat · 25/04/2017 20:18

If you don't trust him to discuss anything inappropriate he comes across on the phone (e.g. messages that make him uncomfortable), he shouldn't have a phone. It's that simple.

Spying on your son is awful. It would be different if you told him you were reading his messages so he knew there was no privacy, but to give him the illusion of privacy and lie about it will damage your relationship.

Maudlinmaud · 25/04/2017 20:18

Trust your gut instincts op.

Whatsername17 · 25/04/2017 20:19

Posted too soon: I teach in a lovely school with a cohort of 700 pupils. On average, each year, we uncover between 15-20 cases of self harm, 10-15 cases of naked selfies, 10 serious cases of cyber harassment or online bullying and 1-2 cases of child grooming. Mist of these come out because the parent monitors their phone or a pupil comes and reports it. I dread to think how many we don't know about.

AndNowItIsSeven · 25/04/2017 20:19

I monitor messages but not without dd knowing.

deckoff · 25/04/2017 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabineUndine · 25/04/2017 20:29

I think it's fine for you to monitor his messages but he should know that you are doing so.

Original poster
Takamine · 25/04/2017 21:00

deckoff counselling is a good suggestion - would I go to our GP for that?

OP posts:
DontPullThatTubeOut · 25/04/2017 22:01

You said he doesn't come to you with things and maybe he just doesn't trust you, I don't know why only e would know. You can't complain he is being secretive and deleting things when you are also being secretive and spying on him. It just makes people adult or child feel uncomfortable when they find out.

deckoff · 25/04/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThouShallNotPass · 25/04/2017 22:28

Good on you for being a responsible parent! Too many parents these days give their kids their "privacy" on phones and social media and those children can end up being bullied or just as bad, bullying others using their phones and internet.

My DD has a phone and very limited social media but her messages come to my phone too. She's 10 and some of the awful stuff I've seen from certain acquaintances (often her pal's older siblings or cousins) has been quite shocking so I block them immediately whether she likes it or not.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 26/04/2017 09:10

It must be awful for some people to let their children have some privacy. I'm sure you wouldn't mind your partner/mum etc check in on you all the time.

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