Refusing to visit DH's B & SIL ever again???

[Twinkie1]

Finally went round their house this weekend after putting it off because I don't like her (she has an allergy and literally it is all she ever talks about - she is just me me me me me) and because MIL said her house wasn't very clean (and MIL never says anything bad about anyone!!) - well it was like something from Kim & Aggie's programme!!

They have a bush by the front door that the cats sleep in!! You can imagine the smell - I didn't even want to walk into the house let alone have to stand waiting for them to open the door smelling cat piss!! Then when we went in it was appalling - I have to say that I have only seen houses quite so dirty on How Clean is Your House!!

The other side fo the door smelt as bad as outside - they had a cat scratching post and numerous other cat things just insode the door and after that I really couldn't tell you what was in each room or what each room was used for because I literally had to wade through dirty clothes, cat paraphanalia and papers and boxes everywhere. They have lived in the house for over 6 months and was blaming the filth on the previous owners - but really it was the dirtiest house I have ever ever in my life been into - I said to DH if we were viewing houses I would have taken one look at the outside and walked off without going in asnd if I had gone in I wouldn't have got past the hallway!!

Now I have said to DH that I will not be going back - I am a bit funny about cleaning anyway - I do it too much!! but they have said that they are planning a big celebration round there at Xmas for DHs mums B'day - I cannot even imagine what must be lurking in the refridgerator let alone on their cutlery and crockery - DH thinks I am being a bit over dramatic and says that I should make an effort and maybe just not eat anything that isn't pre packed (what like the stuff I take in my lunch box!!) and if I take some anti histamines I should be fine.

I feel like crying - I have only just stopped scratching after Saturday and now I have to psyche myself up to go through it all again in another 6 months!!

You are being over dramatic but it does sound a bit gross. I would go to the parties but not eat anything.

At the end of the day you don't have to live there so think you should just grin and bear it if it's only couple of times a year!

How does your dh feel about their house? After all it is his brother. And did you take litte ones with you? I think I'd be more worried about the effect on them than anything else.

Could you not persuade your sil to hire a hall or something for the celebration?

how can she have allergies? from your description she shoudl be immune,
christmas is a long way off.
you admit you do cleaning a lot. other people have different standards that's all.
perhaps you could offer to hlp with the party

Twice a year isn't too bad really - i think when you're married you have to compromise and spend time with your dhs family - some families are more difficult than others and take more of a compromise, but i'd say every six months is getting off lightly, at least you don't have to stay over night or go round every month. It's still your dhs family and being at the celebration may mean alot to him. Maybe you could offer to do some of the food, that way there'll be things there you'll feel ok about eating

Noooooo she has food allergies - literaly it is all she talks about - I think she is immune when it comes to filth - I am still stunned that real people actually live like it - I really thoguh the people on Kim & Aggie were all mad or it was a set up!!

Thing is if you saw her you would think she normal she looks clean and the kids look clean - just look like they all need their hair brushed but the filth was unimaginable.

I am just not sure whether I am being over dramatic as most of you seem to think I am or whether thsi si quite commonplace and people do actually lie like this - they are the first people I have come across who do though!!

I think you're being over-dramatic and a bit unreasonable.

If they were awful people then I could understand you not wanting to see them, but to not go because their house isn't as clean as yours is unreasonable and a bit snobbish.

I don't know that you are being unreasonable actually. It might sound superficial to be put off by a filthy house, but there is a huge difference between a messy house and a really dirty one. I don't mind a messy house - in fact I quite like it - but a house which stinks of piss and is actually filthy I would find quite difficult to spend any time in. Bad smells make me nauseous. I remember on the bus route to one of my schools there was a bloke who used to get on a couple of stops after me who had such strong BO you could alsmost hear it humming. I used to get to school feeling sick and almost in tears some days.

Talk to your dh about it. I don't think you should have to go there if you don't want to - can't they come to you, or meet in a park or something?

TBH the state of the house would put me off visiting (and i'm no clean freak). Maybe the party will spur them on to clean-up

Without seeing the house I think it is difficult to say if you are being unreasonable or not. I do know people whose houses are so dirty (and smelly) that I can't bring myself to eat or drink anything there at all, so I can believe it could be that bad. Best advice is to develop an allergy to cats.

If the house is as messy as those on 'How Clean is your House?' then I'd refuse to go round as well.

My mother's house sometimes smells strongly of dog and I don't want to stay there long. Tbh the smell makes me gag.

Maybe she'll have cleaned it up by christmas??

Go to the party (take bottles of beer, or similar, so that you don't need to use any of their glasses!)

Have your tea before you go so that you don't have to eat anything if it's no better.

But at least you showed up!

(you never know, it may be a sparkiling palace by then!!)

• sparkling

I wouldn't go to a house that was as dirty as you describe. You shouldn't have to just bear it, that would make me feel sick. I don't mind mess but dirt is something else entirely. I definitely wouldn't take my kids back to a filthy house.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, if it is dirty as you describe - and I'm someone whose mother can't resist making digs about my lack of housekeeping skills whenever she visits and I have cats, dog, etc.

I would get your dh to deal with the issue. He and his brother could deal with it in a manly way - i.e. not discuss it at all. Or you could encourage them to get raddled and then deal with the issue.

The party would be a great opportunity for you to offer to help get it cleaned up. She blame the dirt on previous owners which suggests that she realises there's a problem and won't be offended. She might be dying to get it sorted and have a fresh start!

TBH if the house is as skanky as ou say then no you are not being unreasonable.

There is a difference between a house being messy and being unclean.

We had friends like that. We used to go round fairly often, but only ate if we were BBQing (paper plates and cooked in garden).

Presumably if they have only lived in this house for 6 months they must have lived elsewhere beforehand, if so what was the state of that house? If you are going to go to a party there in 6 months then why not suggest coming round to help decorate it etc then you can clean as you go. I do think some people are immune to how filthy their house is. I used to have some friends whose house was a complete shambles, cat pee stench everywhere,not to mention hairs etc. We stayed there once and the sheets had a blood stain on them. We stayed the following year and the same sheets were on the bed with the same blood stain. Used to make my flesh curl. They came out to see us once when we were living in Spain. They would sunbathe all day in their clothes (didnt wear a costume), would get sweaty and hot then go out at night in exactly the same clothes without having a shower. Used to make me heave.

Suggest to your SIL that the party for DH's mum is held at your house instead.
If you think she sees the state of her house as an issue, you could tactfully offer to help her tidy and clean her house a bit - perhaps she's feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything at the moment, and can't cope?

I understand what you're feeling.
Dp and I know this couple who live in a large house with the bloke' mother. Before they moved to the house with her dp and I went to her flat as dp was helping her with something and the SMELL was absolutely revolting. A really horrible sweet/ rancid smell. I don't know what it was. It made to ant to vomit. Shortly after she moved in with her son the new house took on this smell. I couldn't go in there. I really don't think you are overeacting. Why should you have to sit in someone else's filth and dirt?

My house is not the tidiest house around it cant be with two little ones but it is not dirty.

When I worked in the community I was shocked at how some people lived there were loads of houses when I used to wipe my feet on the way out

I wouldnt be able to go to a party at a house like that either, it would make me feel ill