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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this party?

68 replies

partyunplanner · 25/04/2017 16:05

NC for this as pretty identifying...(long too, sorry)

FIL has a big birthday coming up. MIL and FIL are moving soon and in the initial party planning stages MIL was unsure whether they could host as their house might be unsuitable at the time, so she asked if they could have it at ours. I said that would be great as we have a young DC and our dog has just had puppies, so it would be quite difficult for us to attend otherwise (I actually said this to her). There was some further discussion around having it at ours, dates (the 'better' weekend when puppies would have gone to new homes clashing with their other commitments, so settling on a weekend when I will have seven week old puppies and an unrelated pre arranged houseguest) using their gazebo, etc, and then I didn't hear anything else.

Last week I overheard some chat about checking whether the gazebo had all it's bits, assumed MIL was gearing for set up, and got DH to ask her if she needed us to go get the gazebo. The reply was that she has decided to probably have it at theirs because of the number of people coming.

Obviously I was like 'erm, what are we going to do about the puppies', which I happened to mention to SIL, who was like 'yeah, we should ask my friend who you've met a handful of times to puppy sit, because she likes dogs'. Ok, not really comfortable with that, but willing to have a chat with her should the need arise and see if it's feasible.

So today I'm at SILs and MIL emails her the invites to check over, for the party, at MILs, at 7pm on the Saturday, they've been planning it together.

DH's family are pretty bad at communicating, so I'm not surprised at the round about way I've found out she no longer wants to have it here, but AIBU to be a tiny bit annoyed? There is backstory here that MIL and SIL are understandably close and that we've gone from seeing PIL a lot since our DC was born to less and less as SILs baby nears it's arrival date - so I'm maybe feeling a tiny bit sidelined (my own family live far away, and tbh aren't that close)

The proper AIBU though. 7pm is DC's bedtime. They know this, they know DC is currently breastfed to sleep, there has been zero communication about whether this is feasible for us. SIL is just like 'oh, well they can set a cot up in the smallest room and your DC can sleep in there' like it's the easiest thing ever to change an under 1's sleeping regime and then wake them up at like midnight or whatever to take them home. We have had multiple occasions where we've kept DC out past 7pm at their house because dinner has run late and they nearly always scream all the way home in the car.

SIL made it pretty clear that if we don't got I'll be the evil DIL who ruined the party, and that the only other option was that DH attends with DC while I stay home with the dogs, I assume in this scenario DC is going to stay awake until they start screaming at which point DH will have a 45 minute drive with them.

So AIBU to have expected our situation to be considered during party planning if it's imperative that we attend?

OP posts:

Dozer · 25/04/2017 16:59

YABU. It's their party, and the puppies and your baby's schedule are not their responsibility.

User1234567891011 · 25/04/2017 17:01

YABU to be breeding dogs when there are so many in kennels OP.

Dozer · 25/04/2017 17:02

Dog sitter should be fine: if the contact already suggested can't do it get a dogwalker type person who has the skills etc, there are loads around.

If you really don't want to take the baby and deal with any crying etc for just one night, DH should attend alone. Yanbu not to want Dc to be taken without you at that age.

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 25/04/2017 17:02

YANBU. I wish I had a baby who could manage later nights, it would suit me but I don't. After 7pm he gets more and more distressed. It has nothing to do with routine, I'm not into them but what kind of baby you get.
Why would anyone upset a baby for a party?
Stay home with DC and the puppies OP.

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2017 17:02

"t, and before anyone suggests it, no, I'm not going to spend the next three weeks weaning to formula and sleep training so baby can go to a party without me." Er-is it likely anyone would have suggested that?

PerspicaciaTick · 25/04/2017 17:03

You do seem to be able to construct a succession of barriers as to why this party is a giant hassle. Barriers to hosting it at yours (so they aren't any more), barriers to attending at theirs. Barriers about puppies, about babies, about times, dates, about sitters, about house training, about bottle feeding. You really do sound like you are throwing everything at this problem in the hope that it will just go away.

I'm surprised that your DH is tolerating your behaviour.

carefreeeee · 25/04/2017 17:04

Why can't the puppies be left for a few hours? What do you do with them overnight? I guess you pretty much stay at home most of the time and that may be why this one evening seems like such a big deal.

I do think they were rude to change venue after you had said they could have it at yours, without telling you. And I can't see why a 7 m o is needed to attend an evening party. Either all go or send DH alone.

fourteenlittleducks · 25/04/2017 17:07

I would send DH and stay home with baby. Part of having a small baby and BF is not going to evening events for a year or two (unless you have one who will sleep in unfamiliar places). My DD is nearly 2 and I don't go to evening things. She goes to bed at 7 and has a set bedtime routine. I wouldn't leave her sleeping in a room in someone else's house while I partied downstairs. Maybe that's PFB?

Annoying that your mil changed the venue but U to expect her to host it at your place just because of baby and puppies.

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2017 17:09

"I wouldn't leave her sleeping in a room in someone else's house while I partied downstairs"
Why on earth not????

Pancakeflipper · 25/04/2017 17:10

Just take the puppies with you! Put them in your in-laws bedroom....

2014newme · 25/04/2017 17:11

😂😂😂 that people don't go out for 1-2 years because they have a baby, that's hilarious!

Original poster

partyunplanner · 25/04/2017 17:14

PerspicaciaTick - I know, I do this and I think it's my anxiety, which is why I thought MN might help me see sense. I'd got my head around having it at ours as agreed and the change has thrown me into a spin.

carefreeeee - at the moment they can, but by then they'll be toilet training and I'm planning to get up in the night for that, and yes, not go out much for a couple of weeks, which I accepted would be the case before planning the litter. FILs birthday was not planned when our dog was mated, so dates weren't taken into consideration.

OP posts:

2017SoFarSoGood · 25/04/2017 17:19

PartyUnplanner really truly one day you will look back and realise that this first year is the time when you can be totally mobile with little one. You just need a nice comfy place to BF and safe place to put to sleep. It always befuddles me that folks think it is difficult. Nope, not so much. That's it. Enjoy the party and relax

2014newme · 25/04/2017 17:20

@2017 wise words.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 25/04/2017 17:21

I have an 8 month old and I think yabu. Ridiculously so. Tying yourself down because of your baby's bedtime is really a bad idea. My son can sleep anywhere but that's because we've adjusted him to do so. My sisters wedding is in a few weeks and he'll be at the evening reception. I can't understand people who are so rigid around bedtimes and then wonder why their children can't cope.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/04/2017 17:22

If they had started the party at six,no-one would turn up until at least 7, it's just too early.

You forget that, when you've you're in the baby/toddler frame of mind.

Don't assume how your DC will be, try to go with the flow and they'll probably surprise you.

The puppies will be fine for one evening.

Pancakeflipper · 25/04/2017 17:23

You'll be fine. But let DH do some of the sorting out e.g get the dog sitter sorted.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/04/2017 17:25

""My son can sleep anywhere but that's because we've adjusted him to do so.""

It really isn't, it's down to personality. Two of mine were easy going, the youngest didn't sleep, in unfamiliar circumstances, but we'd just keep her upon the odd occasion.

JustSpeakSense · 25/04/2017 17:29

YABU about the dogs. Surely if you are a dog breeder/ dog person then you have contacts who are good with dogs? I can think of nothing better than spending my Saturday evening with 7 puppies.
And SIL has suggested someone (which shows she understands and respects your concern for the puppies)

YABU about your 7mo DC to a family birthday party. It is 7pm (hardly going to be an all night rave!) you do what millions of parents do with babies all the time, you work with it, you set up a camp cot in a quiet room, you take it in turns checking on DC with DH, take a baby monitor and get on with your life.

YANBU to be annoyed that you weren't informed about venue change, that's rude and disorganised, are you sure MIL hasn't moved the venue because you are being unreasonable and a bit controlling?

beela · 25/04/2017 17:33

Yabpfb.

But they are being a bit ridiculous expecting a 7 month old to be at an evening party. Why would you even want a baby at an adults party??

I'd stay at home with the baby and the puppies in your position, and just send dh.

PerspicaciaTick · 25/04/2017 17:33

I'm sorry to hear that your anxiety makes things tough for you.

I found a three strand approach to bedtimes routines really helped with flexibility for my DCs. Their routine consisted of three main elements, bathtime; storytime; clocktime. We found that provided two of the elements happened then the routine still worked, even if the third element was dropped for a night or two.

Bathtime consisted of familiar bubbles, toys and towel - but could happen in any bath, any where, any time.
Storytime consisted of a familiar story, dim lights, cuddling. So could happen any where and at any time, provided we had a book with us.
Clocktime was the actually time we started the routine, usually around an hour after tea and/or immediately after their last milk. So we could tweak the actual time a bit by slightly adjusting meal/milk times.
These three elements meant that we could run the bedtime routine when and where we wanted with only a bit of planning to make sure we had enough familiar bits and pieces with us for at least some of it to be consistent. Because it wasn't all set in stone, it was easier to relax around the routine a bit.

Original poster

partyunplanner · 25/04/2017 17:33

To be fair DC is good at sleeping anywhere, when bf to sleep, it's the journey home that's a pain. It was more the suggestion that they go without me when bf and 8mo and the lack of communication that annoyed me, even SIL said she'd assumed it would be a daytime event given how many people will be driving and have DCs.

I think I'm being a bit precious about puppies because we lost one yesterday (sorry to dripfeed), and we are really quite PFB about the dog, Ib admit that.

You're all right, we just need to sort the dog sitter and suck up any car seat crying. Without the puppies and the plan change I wouldn't have thought twice.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 25/04/2017 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MycatsaPirate · 25/04/2017 17:34

Take a buggy and bf your baby to sleep and put in the buggy.

I remember when DD1 was 2 and was a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. I was a single mum so had already travelled 300 miles (on four trains) to get there and the day of the wedding was hot. DD2 flaked out after the service and then got her second wind. Eventually she crashed out at the reception and she was just laid down on some coats on a seat. There were sleeping toddlers and babies everywhere and it was absolutely fine.

Original poster

partyunplanner · 25/04/2017 17:37

YANBU to be annoyed that you weren't informed about venue change, that's rude and disorganised, are you sure MIL hasn't moved the venue because you are being unreasonable and a bit controlling?

Up till now other than agreeing enthusiastically to have it here, and being 'oh never mind we'll make it work' when the date changed I haven't mentioned it, I figured MIL would let me know plans when she had them.

OP posts:

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