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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this seem fair..

78 replies

PeanutButterCupsX · 24/04/2017 23:16

I've been a sahm mum for a couple of years and I finally got back to work. I earn roughly £400-£500 a week, Dh earns £750 ish a week. He has suggested that we both put £300 of each wages a week for bills.

That would leave me with £200 a week more than enough I know and I'm not complaining, but as he earns more than me surely that isn't fair?

OP posts:
Helloitsme88 · 25/04/2017 06:43

You would be entitled to cx hold benefit and tax credits on those earnings. Who gets them?

highinthesky · 25/04/2017 06:46

Why are couples shy of talking finances before marrying / co-habiting?

Will get shot down in flames for this, but I have never understood how committed couples can happily share bodily fluids but not their finances. It will happen as long as milking the cow for free is misunderstood as feminism. Works out brilliantly if you happen to be male.

WomblingThree · 25/04/2017 06:47

SayNoToCarrots quite. Telling someone who has always maintained separate finances that they are wrong because they don't do it your way is pointless.

I don't understand joint finances. We've managed to stay happily married for a very long time with separate finances. I literally cannot imagine having to ask/tell/discuss every single purchase with my husband. I also can't imagine spending the wages he works for on myself. It's just too weird for me.

PeanutButterCupsX no it's not fair at the moment. You should put in an equal percentage of your wages, not an equal amount. The alternative is that he pays some bills out of his account and you pay some out of your account, based on the 3:2 ratio that Hedda mentioned.

befuddledgardener · 25/04/2017 06:47

No. suggest you both hang on to £200 a week and put the rest in a shared account

WomblingThree · 25/04/2017 06:48

Helloitsme88 on what planet would anyone earning £5000 a month be entitled to benefits? I think you may have read it wrong 😉

SallyGinnamon · 25/04/2017 06:51

We do it the way moany suggested. DH earns 5x what I do.

Money goes into a joint account then we each get spends transferred into sole accounts every couple of months

BarbaraofSeville · 25/04/2017 06:55

You would be entitled to cx hold benefit and tax credits on those earnings. Who gets them

They won't get tax credits, unless they have about a dozen DCs. He's probably on £50k, her £25-30K, but they'll probably get CB.

Percentages will leave possibly vastly differing amounts of spending money, so not necessarily fair. Fairest way is to pool all money to pay all bills, food, work travel, DCs costs and save quite a bit (it sounds like they have quite a lot spare so they should be putting money away for all annual and irregular expenses and some 'just because') and then split what is rest for personal spends.

Do you both have pensions? Making sure you both have a decent pension is also important, and another joint cost.

Remind him of his marriage vows about 'all I have I share with you'. Or if he's so keen on 50/50, does he also plan to do half the housework, cooking, shopping, meal planning, school drop offs, childcare including school holidays and when they are ill etc?

DonaldStott · 25/04/2017 07:08

Yanbu. It isn't fair.

Funny how the bloke ALWAYS ends up better off in this situation, which does seem to happen a lot.

Why is he so reluctant to share? I think that really needs to be looked at. You say he wouldn't be happy to share the surplus money after bills. How come? Why does he expect you to pay the same for bills, when you earn less?

Would you say he was a tight arse?

honeylulu · 25/04/2017 07:12

You'd probably be better off financially if you were divorced. Can you tell him that?

Vegansnake · 25/04/2017 07:15

That's awful...i can belive as a stay at home mum,he didn't give you money...that's bad..pool all the money.pay bills.some in to savings.split the rest..only fair way of doing things....I don't think he's going to be fair though💐

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2017 07:16

The only right answer here is the one you are both happy with op. So you need to sit down and reach a compromise.

For us, we do a percentage, but the percentage is high, about 70 percent, and what's left is our own to spend as we please, golf, clothes, whatever. I earn more than my husband, but in the past he has earned more than me. It's never been an issue as we make sure what's in the joint account is enough to cover our living expenses and other bits and bobs , like meals out or the cinema, and neither of us is precious about who pays for what on other things, i for example tend to buy soft furnishing type things for the house out of mine, for no other reason than I want to.

The desire to retain seperate accounts has always been mine as it's always been important to me to have a level of financial independence. My husband would happily do all in tomorrow and has always had this view, and the solution we have is one we are both happy with.

As long as you have a solution that works for you both then you have no resentment. We go for a higher percentage as the joint account is then used for things like meals out etc and there is no discussion on who pays for what on joint activities.

Because of the disparity in earnings and the reason for it, I think he's being unfair. In this circumstance I'd say he puts in 550 and you put in 300 then the joint account can be used for joint social activities, birthday presents, kids clothes, whatever.

PurpleDaisies · 25/04/2017 07:19

I literally cannot imagine having to ask/tell/discuss every single purchase with my husband.

I don't know any couples with joint finances where that happens. We trust each other to be sensible and if I want something we can afford I just buy it.

Separate finances can work well but I agree with everyone saying that the op's husband isn't being fair here.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 25/04/2017 07:22

Most married couples pool money but lots like to remain separate, there's no right or wrong way.

I'd be happy paying half if he had paid everything for a good while, you've still got a huge amount of disposable income left.

skerrywind · 25/04/2017 07:31

It is unfair.

OP your career took a blow while you had a break for kids- his presumably didn't.
Do you work full time?

Equal effort into a family means equal sharing of money in my book.

skerrywind · 25/04/2017 07:34

*I don't know any couples with joint finances where that happens. We trust each other to be sensible and if I want something we can afford I just buy it.
*

Same here- we share finances- we rarely discuss purchases.
We are not spenders, very moderate in our needs. We would discuss things like a new car or house, but I could go out and buy a new dishwasher or indeed blow £300 on clothes- tomorrow and OH wouldn't bat an eyelid.

We trust each other.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 25/04/2017 07:36

It will happen as long as milking the cow for free is misunderstood as feminism.

Best comment on here in a long time.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 25/04/2017 07:37

The benefits and tax offices would see the earnings as "family income" so surely so should the actual family involved.

I don't even pay tax my earnings are so low but don't get child benefit because of DHs earnings.

He earns circa £62k pa, I earn circa £10k pa (part time), but all goes into one place and it is OUR money.

amyboo · 25/04/2017 07:40

I'm with dairymilkmuncher. DH and I put it all together, each spend on the things we want, and run big spends by the other one before spending. I earn more than double what DH does (for the same hours), but it's just because of the sector I'm in. We both work equally hard, and both take an equal responsibility for looking after the kids, therefore it seems only fair to put our earnings together.

amyboo · 25/04/2017 07:45

Oh, and I never, ever discuss "literally ever purchase ever" with DH or vice versa. But I would expect him to discuss it with me before paying €400 on gym membership (a recent example) or another big purchase like that. Just like I would do the same with him. We each have our own credit cards so that we can buy the odd surprise gift for each other, but they debit from the same account at the end of the month.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2017 08:00

'I like the idea of putting all wages together, paying everything then splitting what's left. But I can't really see him doing that.

When I wasn't working he obviously paid most things but I was never given a penny out of his wages for anything myself. I always had to remind him and ask him to pay things, and now I'm working I'm feeling like he knows I'm going to be paying everything because I hate things mounting up and owing money.'

He's financially abusive.

peukpokicuzo · 25/04/2017 08:17

I literally cannot imagine having to ask/tell/discuss every single purchase with my husband.
I don't know any couples with joint finances where that happens.
Me neither. With trust, mutual respect and maturity it isn't necessary. You discuss big expenditure but don't need to discuss normal day-to-day stuff.

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/04/2017 08:24

I also can't imagine spending the wages he works for on myself. It's just too weird for me.

What, the wages OP enabled him to earn by giving up her job and providing him with free childcare, and no obligation to change his work hours, or to come home/take time off when the kids were sick or needed the doctor or the dentist?

I'll never understand that attitude.

corythatwas · 25/04/2017 09:26

What kind of a man would you have to be to want to live your daily life on a more comfortable financial footing than your own wife and children? What kind of man would you have to be to feel comfortable knowing that you have a pension arrangement that will see you safely through old age but she hasn't?

I can't get my head round this at all.

froofroomcgoo · 25/04/2017 09:30

Doing it as a % achieves the same result as many.

DeadGood · 25/04/2017 09:32

"I don't understand joint finances. We've managed to stay happily married for a very long time with separate finances. I literally cannot imagine having to ask/tell/discuss every single purchase with my husband."

The whole point of joint finances is that you don't have to.

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