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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yep, it's a MIL one...

78 replies

Incoganito · 24/04/2017 20:43

Name-changed for this as, to be honest, I don't think I'm going to come out of it well Blush - but I have to ask...

After much thought and deliberation, DH and I named DS 'Jake' (names have been changed to protect the innocent). MIL insists on calling him 'Jakey', which I find incredibly irritating (DH doesn't really care, but is trying to support me!). We have asked her nicely not to refer to DS as such, but rather than backing down and just mumbling something about having a miserable DIL, she's pushing back, wanting to know WHY she can't call him that, he's her DGS, etc.

I completely get that in the course of his life, DS will probably pick up all sorts of nicknames and I will have zero control over it, but for now he's not even a year old! But - before you tar me completely with the 'one of those mums' brush - it's 'Jakey' in particular I cannot stand; we've said to MIL she is welcome to call him whatever other pet name she bloody well wants. Also, I know another baby who's actually called 'Jakey' - as per birth certificate, not just a nickname. So to me it's a different name altogether. Like if I called my child Bob, but MIL insists on referring to him as Dave Hmm If DS wants to go by 'Jakey' in future and sound like an utter twat then I will absolutely suck it up and cope.

So, AIBU or is MIL?

ducks to avoid deluge of biscuits

OP posts:
happypoobum · 24/04/2017 21:43

That's a shame - I thought they were called Hobnob and Garibaldi ChippieGrin

ChippieBeanAndHorro · 24/04/2017 21:51

Well, the LO that's currently still inside is Bean or Fishie (it started as a weird pun about fish and chips).

And we have a Pumi (pumkin) and a Muffy (muffin). And an Aplie (appricots were apparently her favourite food when she was little).

I probably just outed myself Blush

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 24/04/2017 21:51

*Apricots ;)

user1493022461 · 24/04/2017 21:53

You have to unclench and stop thinking you get to control everything with your child. You may be his mother but you don't own him, he's a little person out in the world and he has relatives and relationships and other people who love him and who frankly can call him whatever the fuck they like, without your permission.

grannytomine · 24/04/2017 21:54

One of my children had a name with several shortenings say like Elizabeth, Liz, Lizzie, Beth, Betty and MIL realised there was one we didn't like so she insisted on using it. If challenged she would say she couldn't remember. She liked being called grandma and thought granny was terrible (probably why I embrace it lol) so we started referring to her as granny. She was getting visibly wound up and finally lost it with us and of course we replied that we just couldn't remember what she preferred. She stared at us for what seemed a long time and then said, "Okay, she is Elizabeth." So she was definitely doing it on purpose but never, ever did it again.

Original poster
Incoganito · 24/04/2017 21:54

It's not James and Jamie Grin

Navyandwhite Also not Jacob/Jake!

It's a one-syllable name, so the 'y/ie' on the end makes it longer. I could understand a shortening more! It's just that the 'y/ie' version is so sickeningly cutesie.

MIL is generally alright tbf. Our only major falling out was with regard to what DH and I wanted to do/not do when we got married - so kind of a biggie, and I stood my ground on that one.

I guess I'll just grit my teeth with this nickname thing and secretly hope that DS doesn't choose to stick with it when he's older! Although that may not stop MIL Hmm lol

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 24/04/2017 21:54

IDK, we deliberately picked names for our sons that couldn't be shortened to a 'y' nickname, so I'd probably be ticked that MiL was calling my son by one. But if you picked a name with a 'y' name (Bobby, Stevie, Tommy, Timmy etc) then you should have expected it to happen.

I can remember one of my cousins announcing at a family dinner (he was about 30 and a decorated Viet Nam vet) "My name is Tom, TOM. Not Tommy. I haven't been 'Tommy' since I was 10 years old!!".

AlmostAJillSandwich · 24/04/2017 21:55

I'm not bothered about being outed on here, so am using my actual name.
My birth name is Kathryn, and i HATE it. If it was spelled Katherine, i'd love it, but it gets pronounced so much harsher with the lack of the "e" in the middle. Instead of Kath-er-in, it gets pronounced Kath-rin, (and even more annoyingly by some, Kaff-rin, as people are too lazy to pronounce the T) which just grates on me.
Mt parents intentionally gave me a multi abbreviational name as both disliked their own names and it gave me options to find one i liked, which i am grateful for.
Since i was old enough to decide a preferred name, i have gone by Katie. This has been for at least 15 years, probably longer. I sign every birthday, christmas or other occasion card Katie, have asked family countless times to call me this correcting them when they use a different abbreviation, introduce myself to all new people or on the phone as "It's Katie" etc.
Yet all my extended family call me Kathy. This is my most HATED abbreviation of my name, and i'd even prefer my full name over it. Kate or Kat i don't mind/quite like, Kath i really dislike, but Kathy i just cannot stand.
My dad forgets and uses it occasionally (it was what i was called by everyone as a toddler/child til i was old enough to decide for myself, so at least 8 years, so he genuinely slips sometimes) but he always corrects himself and apologises.
Rest of the family are just ignorant though, even when i correct them no apology, not even an acknowledgement. I'm NC with most of them now anyway so it's not a common occurrence anymore, but it is really, really insulting when someone refuses to use the identity YOU chose, to use the one they want to. Until your child is old enough to choose for themself, i think it is the parents call to decide what their child is to be known as and she's being ignorant and rude.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/04/2017 22:02

X-post with you OP. So more like John/Johnny, George/Georgie then. Still a pain and I'm with you.

One of my friends insisted that she was going to call DS2 a diminutive of his name that I did NOT like. Her son was 'Joseph'. Not Joe, Joseph. I told her if she called DS2 what she wanted to, I was going to call her son 'Joey'. She backed down.

Honestly, I'd speak to MiL again. Tell her she can call him what she likes when you aren't around, but when you are she is to call him Jake. Or find an obnoxious nickname for her name/last name and start calling her that.

paddypants13 · 24/04/2017 22:04

I think you should let it go for the sake of your sanity but also because your mil is probably enjoying watching you get wound up. Ignoring her will piss her off no end. Grin

Ds has a name that can be easily shortened and I imagine he will be known by the most popular version when he's older. People sometimes apologise to me for calling him by one of the shorter versions of his name but I just say it's fine. (It genuinely doesn't bother me but it does sound a little strange to my ears.) He can choose his nickname when he's older.

MarcelineTheVampire · 24/04/2017 22:05

Peaface are you serious? It's none of her business?! It's her child? Of course it's her business- for goodness sake, some people are utterly ridiculous and the OP isn't one.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 24/04/2017 22:06

A child in the extended family has a short name usually a nickname, for example Bob. Initially my DM kept finding Robert slipping out, but there was a reason parents had chosen the short name, that was the child's name and she made the effort to stop herself. Because of respecting and loving the parents and the child.

grannytomine · 24/04/2017 22:08

Almost, I am with you, I have a similar name and family still use the y ending. I told them I was changing when I was 11. I've never used my full name so it was like I was Kathy till I was 11 and decided to be Kath when I went off to senior school. Everyone I have met since I was 11 calls me Kath but 52 years on my family still can't get it. I gave up fighting it many years ago.

Haffdonga · 24/04/2017 22:11

You will learn as a parent to pick your battles. This one is really not worth getting het up over.

anythingbutlillies · 24/04/2017 22:12

I'm with you OP. You are not being unreasonable.

My guess is Joe / y Wink

grannytomine wish there was a 'like' button for your post!

Topuptheglass · 24/04/2017 22:19

I have a nephew Daniel, he's not and never has been Danny. Yet some people call him Danny.

My niece Katrine has never had her name shortened - she started school last year & is now much to my SIL chagrin known as Katty Smile

My little ones have names ending in h and a vowel so they can't really be ended in y or ie.... doesn't stop some relatives sticking a random letter in the middle of ds's name!

Original poster
Incoganito · 24/04/2017 22:19

AcrossthePond55 No, not typically a 'y' name - and that was part of our reason for picking it! Like Jake/Jakey, or Mark/Marky - so yeah, it can be done, but isn't something you come across much. Which makes the other baby with 'Jakey' (equivalent) as his actual name a bit strange to me, but each to their own! Grin

OP posts:
grannytomine · 24/04/2017 22:27

anythingbutlillies, thank you Smile

Noodledoodledoo · 24/04/2017 22:32

My Grandma double barrel's my nieces name - drives me, my sister and my niece nuts, it's ironic as she hates her name being pronounced incorrectly and she uses an unusual pronunciation of her name so everyone gets it wrong. So much so she has adopted another name to use to avoid the frustration.

When she is really irritating us about my niece we just start using her name wrongly to make a point!!

I hate one shortening of my name which is popular but I use the ignore technique which soon makes people stop using it!

MuffinMaiden · 24/04/2017 22:33

Count yourself lucky she doesn't sing a song every time she says it. My MIL adds a bit eg. Bobby bum, and then proceed to sing a song using that name. Every time we see her.

Lovetolaugh123 · 24/04/2017 22:39

YANBU, I think people should call a kid their actual name & not whatever variation they prefer.
When kids are old enough to know what they prefer being called then fair enough if they want to change it - & then people should call them that.
But I don't think people have a right to call someone by a different name just because they don't like their real name!
Like if my name is Jennifer but you prefer Jenny, you don't get to call me Jenny just because you don't like Jennifer - use the name I tell you to use!

UnicornPug · 24/04/2017 22:41

I'm guessing something like Ben- Benny rather than Dan-Danny. That would drive me insane and I'd have to correct her every time. I like nicknames and I deliberately chose names that could be shortened in many ways, but you don't just change the name! My dd has always gone by a particular short form of her name but she wants to go to secondary school with her full name. Her name, her decision but when my mom was going on about it a few years ago I told her it wasn't her choice to make.

Astro55 · 24/04/2017 22:44

My mum calls my DD Anna - she isn't or ever will be Anna

I have no idea why she does it - she sends her gifts with Anna - pencil cases etc with Anna

All cards etc and sign (real name) but she hasn't asked why Anna isn't in the card or who (real name) is?

Just weird - and yes we gave up after 6 years

Salmotrutta · 24/04/2017 22:52

Op - is it Sean?

Batghee · 24/04/2017 22:53

shes doing you a favour really because your son will grow up hating that nickname so will never use it himself!
Kids will never use nicknames given to them by their parents or grandparents lol!

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