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AIBU?

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Original poster

For fuck sake a wedding one

85 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 24/04/2017 18:20

I'm getting married later this year. Now started pulling together the guest list as sending out invitations this week. All fine, done and dusted. On phone to dp tonight who happened to be at his mothers.

Somehow it turned into a group chat about who dp is having from 'his side'. The numbers are pretty even but there are more people on my side of the family. Obviously this is out of my control. I have more siblings.

Mil says what about x and x. Dp says no probably not they can come in the evening. Mil says well Brighton is having x number of people. Again out of my control.

I heard dp say well we can't help that.
Mil then starts ranting away about how I've got more people than dp. Again not my fault.

What the fuck do I do? I can't uninvite my siblings because fucking bob and Sheila from up the road need an invite.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 24/04/2017 20:41

My mil commented unhappily on our guest list as being unfair. We were puzzled as it had equal numbers from both sides on it and equal level of relations invited.
sometimes you can't win.

BackforGood · 24/04/2017 20:42

What a totally bizarre thing to think someone would base their invitations on Confused
Obviously, if you have more siblings, then there will be more people related to you than the groom. Nobody doles out wedding invitations so there are equal numbers from both sides, that would just be odd.
I would suggest your dp just goes with the "We've already decided on the list and we are not adding people on" followed by "You had your wedding, this is now our turn". Do NOT start negotiating. Presumably if Bob and Sheila were important in your dhtb's life then he would have mentioned them when you were drawing up the list in the first place.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 24/04/2017 20:45

I'm going to go with ignoring her. Bob and Sheila can swing for a fucking invite.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 24/04/2017 20:46

Back I have barely heard of bob and Sheila before now.

Disclaimer: there names aren't bob and Sheila

OP posts:
iklboo · 24/04/2017 20:46

I had 9 people from my side at our wedding, including my parents. 12 mutual friends. The rest was DH's family. No big deal. There's no law that says you have to have 50/50 representation.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 24/04/2017 20:47

I don't think 14 is a lot. If you had a whole network of cousins as well it might start to look a bit overwhelming!

ShelaghTurner · 24/04/2017 20:54

Learn from me. We had an even amount although my family is way bigger. Consequently we had relatives we couldn't invite whereas PIL could invite acquaintances they hadn't seen in years. It was 17 years ago and I still kick myself that I wasn't more forceful.

BlueDaisies · 24/04/2017 21:10

Our "sides" weren't even. We got around this by NOT having allocated sides, everyone that came just sat wherever. During the meal we mixed the tables up a bit too, we had family members from each side that we knew would get on like a house on fire and sure enough they did. It was a great atmosphere.

Re MIL insisting on certain people being invited- no. You invite who you both want there, end of! I can understand why MIL might want x,y and z invited as the wedding of your child is surely a big and exciting event and I think in the past people were expected to invite certain people, however it isn't her wedding.

BerylStreep · 24/04/2017 21:11

My MIL added a couple of randoms to our guest list at the last moment. We had never met them, and have never seen them since.

Not only that, she blamed the late invitation on me, saying I must have 'forgotten' to post it. Hmm

We agreed for a quiet life, and it really wasn't a massive deal, but 15 years later it still irritates me - I didn't want them there, and they shouldn't have been there. Not to the point of staying up at night though.

SparklesandBangs · 24/04/2017 21:12

When DB got married he had 2 married siblings and 4 DN, his bride had 1 sibling. The DN were all bridesmaids/pageboys. They didn't go looking for random people and children to invite to balance the numbers or to look cute in the photos, nor did his future MIL take umbrage. In fact she took all the DN under her wing and throughly spoilt them with dresses etc.

At the end of the day I have no idea how the numbers worked out as there were plenty of their friends present and the his side/your side became blurred as the church was full. (Only small)

JaneEyre70 · 24/04/2017 21:13

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's annoyed you, your complete nonchalance over it will wind her up far more than you yelling and screaming at her. Don't feed the drama llama and all that. It's your and your future DHs big day, nothing can spoil it. Have a lovely day.

BlueChairs · 24/04/2017 21:14

My family has 12 aunts and uncles, 16 cousins, 42 second cousins and innumerable non related 'families' and co , DP has his parents, one uncle and one cousin .... out wedding will not be equal and shouldn't have to be - I won't be inviting many of my second cousins and equally he won't be filling the numbers with strangers from the local pub ... tell her it's the way of the world.

BlueChairs · 24/04/2017 21:15

Or just tell her that after the ceremony they'll all be her family so what's the issue

FairytalesAreBullshit · 24/04/2017 21:20

I would say if she is going to pay for Bob & Sheila's meal & drinks you're up for it. She might be less insistent on their attendance when it's coming out of her pocket.

SomethingBorrowed · 24/04/2017 21:29

Your MIL is being silly.
DH has a way bigger family, his parents had more guests than more guests than my parents.
Both our parents paid for the wedding 50/50. As my DDad said "we are now all being family anyway"

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 24/04/2017 21:35

Dp just walked in. I said tell your mother bob and Sheila aren't invited it's about what we want. We aren't 21 year olds whose parents are paying for the wedding we are cracking 50.

He said I'm going to get something to eat.

I'm going to take that as a from of assent and bob and Sheila can piss off.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 25/04/2017 06:27

I'm not sure that's how I would take that, OP.

picklemepopcorn · 25/04/2017 06:47

We are a small family. My DSis's wedding, she invited all our aunts and uncles, so three couples. Her fiancées family got stroppy because all their aunts and uncles weren't invited- fifteen siblings plus partners on one side, ten on the other. Our dad basically fitting the bill. It's not always straightforward.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 25/04/2017 06:51

This morning there is a gulf of deathly silence. His mum does a lot for him I get that. She helps out with his dc a lot. But that isn't an automatic right for her to have who she wants at our wedding.

Oh fucking bob and Sheila

OP posts:
peukpokicuzo · 25/04/2017 07:04

I should think that dp meant "please don't make me think about bob and shiela for another nanosecond I have had enough"

A scripted answer is required that you and dh can repeat as often as necessary. "We are planning our marriage to be a partnership of equals and we don't care about whose side any particular guest is on just how close we as a couple feel to each person. We are inviting close relatives and close friends. Bob and shiela are neither"

Zebra31 · 25/04/2017 07:16

Op I really feel for you. Your wedding, your rules. Invite who you like. Don't get pushed into inviting random people just to please MIL.

This is the reason DH and I got married abroad. No one was invited. It would have been a nightmare trying to organise a wedding.

It really pissed my MIL off. MIL turned up the night before we traveled in floods of tears. To try and appease MIL we thought it would be nice for her to see the dress and DH suit. She took a few pictures to show FIL. DH had not seen the dress. Within 30 minutes of leaving our house MIL had sent a group text to everyone with the pictures attached. I blame myself. I should have known she wouldn't be able to help herself.

burnoutbabe · 25/04/2017 07:17

it would make sense if say your parents were sat with their siblings and she doesn't have siblings and no husband, that she has a few friends to sit with?
If that is the case then I'd invite the extra friends for her.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 25/04/2017 07:23

I have no aunts and uncles going to this wedding. My parents are divorced and neither of them are taking their other halves (long boring back story). I have more siblings than my dp who in turn means I have more nephews and nieces. My parents are having no friends at the wedding it's literally just us our close family and friends.

OP posts:
bookwormnerd · 25/04/2017 07:29

My dh had far more people on his side at our wedding. My family could not care less. My mil tried to push for more guests including someone who dh last saw when toddler and then we had the so and so from up the road. You know them they are so and sos aunts cousins best friend :/ bunch she wanted to invite. I would way 80% to 85% were dhs invites but he said no to alot. He just has alot more family politics. My side its immidiate family and no need to invite the whole family tree as the whole family will not break in to ww3 if they are not invited. Keep firm and do what you want. I regret some gueats off dhs side and have not seen them since.

TheTabardOfDoom · 25/04/2017 07:34

Midnight your inlaws didn't come to their own sons wedding because they didn't get to invite who they wanted? OMG! :O

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