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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DP wants family to relocate but join us 11 months later

43 replies

smileatribbons · 24/04/2017 16:10

I've been lurking on boards for a while but my first posting!

We have been talking about relocating back to my original county for about a year now, currently we're in the NE but want to go to Suffolk coastal.

Our plan was to leave by Aug 31st but have a few arguments in regards to jobs etc. Just a bit of background. We foster my younger brother and have a 2yo son. My DP is worried in regards to not finding a job before we go but I work from home so we would still have an income even if he didn't.

Today he proposed that he keeps his job in the NE whilst the rest of us move down. He reckons he will be able to save some money and join us in about a years time . He also reckons the extra time and place to stay down there will help him find a job when coming to interviews and so forth. I said if he was that worried we could wait another year or so. This caused a hulk sulk because he says well we would be better financially blah blah. Is it unreasonable to want my partner of 7 years to actually live with his family despite of the financial benefits?

OP posts:

WingsofNylon · 24/04/2017 16:23

This does seem odd. Where did her come up with the time scale of a year? I could understand his logic of it were a couple of months but more seems like a waste of money. How can having two lots of accommodation save money?

Henrysmycat · 24/04/2017 16:24

How can something be "our" plan if one of you does not agree or support it?
I agree with your partner, leaving a job and going to a place that is not exactly brimming with career options is hard. Some people, like myself, are not happy being out of work.

Purplepicnic · 24/04/2017 16:25

Why can't you just wait until he finds a job down there and then move? What's the rush to go now?

SheldonsSpot · 24/04/2017 16:27

Why plan to move by the 31st August?

Has your DP actually started looking or applying for jobs yet?

Aderyn2016 · 24/04/2017 16:28

I wouldn't want to leave a job without having a new one to go to, but I'm not sure how running two houses is a better option for job interviews than staying at a holiday inn or something.

Call me cynical but do you think it's possible he has another woman on the go and has no intention of ever moving with you?

grasspigeons · 24/04/2017 16:28

I can get the logic of you relocating first and him relocating as soon as he got a job, it would be easier with an address etc, but I don't get the 1 year thing. Surely you start looking straight away and move as soon as you get one

Whocansay · 24/04/2017 16:32

This sounds like he wants to break up with you, but doesn't have the balls to say so. I can't see any other reason for this.

miserableandinpain · 24/04/2017 16:32

Yanbu. When it comes down to it would he really be happy living away from his family?
My dh and i were to do this recently. It lasted 2 weeks. He missed us too much. Now he travels instead which is hard but obviously easier than missing his family.

I thjnk you need to discuss it a bit more.

Lennielala · 24/04/2017 16:32

That sounds strange.

Why can't you stay while he continues working and you both move a year later.

Today.. I am actually struggling to understand men 😳 (no offence)

ExplodedCloud · 24/04/2017 16:33

How would running 2 homes make it easier to save?

RedSandYellowSand · 24/04/2017 16:35

So, keep all your current financial commitments, and at a minimum, add in another set of rent, council tax, utilities. Plus a NE- Suffolk commute fairly frequently for visits. And you will be better off? Has someone actually looked at the numbers?
Sounds very much like he doesn't want to go for some reason.
I'd say he starts looking for a job NOW, and see how that goes. If there is nothing available, moving now seems daft. If there is lots of stuff, and he gets interviews etc, moving without a job seems possible.

swampytiggaa · 24/04/2017 16:36

We did this sort of. Moved from Brum to Devon. H carried on with his old job staying with his parents Monday - Thursday. Did this for 10 months whilst we found a house to buy and sorted the mortgage. Then he managed to get a job here and moved down properly.

EweAreHere · 24/04/2017 16:37

Having 2 households to maintain would be so much cheaper than having to maintain 1 household ... oh wait.

It seems like a very odd idea. I'd be worried about his real reason... because I don't believe his expressed reason makes any sense. And I write that as part of a family that moved south from Scotland over a decade ago, without a 'local' address from which my husband could job hunt. No, not always easy or straightforward, but entirely doable.

If he needs an address to use in Suffolk, use one of your family member's addresses. See what he says to that perfectly reasonable suggestion...

Mumsnut · 24/04/2017 16:37

A woman I vaguely knew from NCT group relocated early with the kids from a foreign posting while her husband 'wrapped things up'.

He never joined her; moved in immediately with his secret girlfriend and just erased them from his life.

ProfessorPickles · 24/04/2017 16:40

It sounds like he doesn't want to be part of the family anymore OP. Are you moving back to where your parents are etc?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 24/04/2017 16:40

Sounds like he has a reason to stay and send you on ahead. .
Ow. .

ImLadybird · 24/04/2017 16:40

About 20 years ago we moved 250 miles. DH was made redundant which was the catalyst for the move. However they kept pushing back the leave date and he wanted to hang on for the redundancy money. We went ahead with the move. DD was 2yo. He stayed with family temporarily. In the end it was nine months before he joined us in the new house. The plan was for him to come home every weekend but it became less regular as the months passed. It was tough but we managed.

MabelSideswipe · 24/04/2017 16:41

A friend of mine and her DH were in loads of debt and had to sell their very lovely house. They agreed she would take their kids to move back to Scotland to live with her family and he would visit every weekend and eventually join her.....he had another woman and never went. In fact he told her as soon as she got there.

lalalalyra · 24/04/2017 16:42

The only time I've ever seen that done is the other way - the husband moved first because of his new job and he househunted whilst the wife stayed with the kids while they finished the school year. She continued her childminding until her mindees families found new childminders. Then in the summer holidays they all moved down and into the new place he'd found.

limon · 24/04/2017 16:42

Yabu. It seems it's your plan, not his.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2017 16:45

I imagine going then would be for schooling. Have you been in touch with the local schools to find out about places? I don't see the issue with it really unless you couldn't cope with the situation, which is fine to feel this way or not be able to do it alone. It's only short term though. He seems to be being pragmatic about this.

Oldraver · 24/04/2017 16:48

You'll need to run two households (unless he has somewhere really cheap to stay)...how does he think you will be able to save ?

willitbe · 24/04/2017 16:48

If he has explained how it will save money, then I would not have an issue with it.

I as have many other women have had times when I have had to live apart from my husband due to our jobs. But it has to be clearly financial beneficial or the plan adjusted to have less time apart if there is no clear job or financial benefit.

happypoobum · 24/04/2017 16:51

Agree with PP this makes no sense as you would have to run two households.

Can you think of any reason he would want to live separately from you? (sorry!)

ExplodedCloud · 24/04/2017 16:52

How is 2 lots of housing costs 'pragmatic'?
Just realised he's DP rather than DH. Do you rent your home? Just seems too easy to shuffle you out of the picture...

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