My DP wants family to relocate but join us 11 months later

[smileatribbons]

I've been lurking on boards for a while but my first posting!

We have been talking about relocating back to my original county for about a year now, currently we're in the NE but want to go to Suffolk coastal.

Our plan was to leave by Aug 31st but have a few arguments in regards to jobs etc. Just a bit of background. We foster my younger brother and have a 2yo son. My DP is worried in regards to not finding a job before we go but I work from home so we would still have an income even if he didn't.

Today he proposed that he keeps his job in the NE whilst the rest of us move down. He reckons he will be able to save some money and join us in about a years time . He also reckons the extra time and place to stay down there will help him find a job when coming to interviews and so forth. I said if he was that worried we could wait another year or so. This caused a hulk sulk because he says well we would be better financially blah blah. Is it unreasonable to want my partner of 7 years to actually live with his family despite of the financial benefits?

I'm afraid I'd think he had another agenda.

He basically wants to separate your lives and households. Even if he's completely above board, he needs to realise that living apart all that time is going to change things and it may not be easy to move back in together as if nothing had happened.

It sounds like he wants a "year off"! YANBU.

He has somewhere v cheap to stay and makes a good amount of money now. We had planned this as he wants to go too but he is a massive worrier when it comes to money. He is qualified for jobs in Suffolk and has been looking but has had a few issues with not being already in the area.

The year thing is mainly because of the worrying thing he places large time limits on stuff. The Aug 31st timescale was not interfere with brothers school too much and we have commitments here until July.

Plus how do you feel about a year of being essentially a single parent? How many contact weekends is he realistically going to manage over that distance?

If he has a job in the NE and you can work from home, why on earth would you move separately? Far more sensible to stay together until you have to relocate.

In that case, if you want to move, it sounds as though you will have to accommodate his insecurities. He knows his boundaries and is asking you to work with him. It's not ideal. Perhaps you should weigh up what you want more and then decide if it's worth the year apart as a sacrifice.

This is why I'm unhappy. It was his idea too - I've said I would prefer to wait and I don't see the benefit but he says for the little ones. I'm practically a single mum anyway because of his hours currently, 12 hrs a day sometimes 6 days a week which is one of the reasons to move when our commitments are done. We would have gone sooner if it wasn't for them.

I'm not sure about your DH's motivations but we have successfully done it one way and a friend did it the other.

We moved to a new area six months before my DH because of his work. Luckily he could stay with family and religiously visited us every weekend. We both found it quite hard but he really enjoyed being able to start his new life during the short times he had here before he could move permanently.

My friend had it the other way where her DH moved as he had found a new job and started looking for a new house, while she stayed to sell their old house and keep working as long as possible.

It can be done but only if you both know why your doing it.

But as far as him having problems not being in the 'new' area to land a job, why couldn't accept a job there and you and the DC follow asap? Why would you need to relocate first and him follow later? Seems backwards to me.

I dont think that either of you are thinking about this sensibly tbh.

What are you planning on paying the bills with? Are you mortgage free because thats the only way I can imagine doing such a large move with potentially no permanent job and "some income" from being self employed.

How on earth will you secure a mortgage or a rental on such flakey finances if you are not ready to buy cash?

The fact he's sulking is a big flashing siren clue there's another reason he's pissed off you're not going along with his fabulous genius idea

I'm sorry, but this sounds so odd.
I can't see one strongly valid reason for you to relocate without him when he hasn't got a job in Suffolk.
If he needs to live locally for job applications in Suffolk, he could perhaps use an address belonging to one of your relatives and maybe one of them could actually put him up for a short time if he needed it when he got a job, pending your move shortly afterwards.
It sounds as though he wants a break for a year. or possibly longer?
I hope it works out for you though, whatever you decide.

My apologies, your post doesnt say that you are self employed. Do you have a permanent job? Is it enough to secure a mortgage or reach the income requirement for a rental where you are planning to move to? Do you have the necessary deposit/fees saved?

He had a huge sulk because you said you'd wait with him for another year?

That's odd, isn't it?

You waiting another year means that things continue as they are for another year. Why should that cause a huge sulk?

It's almost as if there's some OW reason he wants you out of the way.

This is really strange. Sounds like a desire for a year 'off' to me.

I agree with AcrossthePond55 He's the one who should be going first and establishing himself in a new job!

I don't understand how it's going to be easier for him to job hunt remotely, when he has already had difficulty job hunting remotely

DH and I have done two international moves where he's gone on ahead and sorted the domestics and started his new job, and I've wrapped up the loose ends and followed on with the kids. In both cases it was a few months, and I wouldn't have agreed to any longer gap TBH - not fair to either DH or me, or the kids to live in limbo for a year

Many years ago DP relocated up north with his job and stayed with his family and I stayed behind down south, with two kids under two, until we sold our house.

It took a year to sell our house.

We came really close to breaking up. He got used to living like a single guy again, going for nights out with his old mates and their wives (and wives' friends) and I was the boring frazzled frumpy wife. Yes he was very good at coming down most weekends but it was sometimes difficult and frantic when he was there. The lowest point was when my lovely best friend said sympathetically, "So do you think you and Mr Tink will ever live together again?" I was all "WTF?"

And even when we all finally got back together things were touch and go. Initially he had some idea of still hanging out with his mates while I sat in at home with the kids every night. Fuck that. And I had got used to doing things my way with the children, and I missed by old life and hated the north. I guess I was resentful too and expected better of him.

So basically, what I am saying is, think very carefully. Even if you have a really strong relationship, living separately will put massive strain on it.