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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL Next Door

75 replies

MrBonkers · 24/04/2017 14:45

This is more a question about how you would feel if your PIL/parents moved in next door. This situation occurred to friends of ours a few years ago after the house next door to them went on the market. They became aware that the wifes parents had also put their house on the market but didn't put two and two together until the new "neighbours" actually moved in.

Sounds weird to me but fortunately our friends are pretty laid back and coped (up to a point), they moved a few miles away about 4 years later.

Could you cope or would you be getting the estate agents in pronto?

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 24/04/2017 15:13

If my family moved next door though I'd be off!

SheepyFun · 24/04/2017 15:14

It's the 'surprise' element that would bother me. No IL's for me, and having my mother that close would be, erm, challenging. However, friends of ours were going to have their widowed father (in law) move in with them, and had extended the house appropriately when the house next door became available. Both sides agreed that was the ideal solution - so it depends on your starting point.

welovepancakes · 24/04/2017 15:16

I wouldn't mind parents or PIL living very close by, assuming they would respect our privacy. But I'd be very annoyed at someone moving next door without consulting me first

dailymailarecunts · 24/04/2017 15:16

My mum lives next door and we share a garden!

It has its moments - she lets herself in while I'm at work to 'help' with the cleaning (this isn't as great as it sounds!) and there has been a few occasions where she has knocked at the door when I've had friends round because she can hear voices and can't bear not knowing what's going on. That said, in a lone parent and it's really reassuring having someone right there if there's ever an emergency, and also, she's nearly 70 now and a widow - I like being able to make sure she is okay as well.

CuppaTeaTeddy · 24/04/2017 15:17

No way!!! An old friend used to live next door to his nan and granddad and he hated it.

Couldn't really think of anything worse.

Rufus200 · 24/04/2017 15:17

MIL looks at every house that comes up for sale in our street and within a few away from us! Hell no!!! She only lives 10mins away and thinks if she lives closer she would see DS more. She sits on my sofa like queen muck as does nothing to help out at all.

user1andonly · 24/04/2017 15:19

Oh gosh, I would have hated it but I can't imagine mine would have dreamed of doing it anyway! When the dc were little they wouldn't have wanted to get lumbered with babysitting! Now they are getting on a bit, we have actually suggested they move a bit closer (not next door mind!) but they are happy where they are.

Couldn't cope with my own parents either - love them dearly but my mum would be constantly commenting on what time the bedroom curtains didn't get opened till on a weekend!

Very sneaky to just move in without saying anything - almost as if they had an inkling the dc wouldn't be mad keen...

BalloonDinosaur · 24/04/2017 15:21

I'd probably cope with FIL and SMIL but his mum drives me nuts as it is, so there's no way I'd be down for that.
My DM is fine is small doses but long term extreme proximity wouldn't be good for any of us!

GwenQuinn · 24/04/2017 15:21

Bloody strange to not mention it, bet they got a shock! I coupe cope if it was a detached house although ideally I'd prefer them 5-10 minutes away, not sure why really!

Devorak · 24/04/2017 15:23

Nightmare.

DH and I are both blessed with excellent, wonderful, caring and intelligent parents. Having said that, our house would go on the market the following morning if any wanted to move in next to us.

SapphireStrange · 24/04/2017 15:23

My dad = fine. Would like it actually. He wouldn't be invading/noseying all the time but it'd be nice to be able to pop over for cups of tea rather than having to make a big production of going to stay with him.

My mum = wouldn't be arsed. Hopefully she would respect my space too. But we don't have much in common so I can't say I'd be enthusiastic.

DP's parents: mum is developing Alzheimer's so it'd be good if he could pop in to see her (currently live hundreds of miles away). His dad is an overbearing boor; I couldn't cope.

ClemDanfango · 24/04/2017 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eatingcheeseontoast · 24/04/2017 15:32

MIne have practically moved in for the past 3 months due to various health issues on my DH's part. I've been so grateful to them and would quite honestly love it if they were next door!

MrsLupo · 24/04/2017 15:33

God, this sounds appalling! PILs living next door would be shockingly awful, but the bizarreness of them moving in next door and not telling anyone til the big day would finish me off - not that it would ever happen like that, as neither my parents nor DP's would be able to keep their mouths shut. Weeeird. Shock

browndoobie · 24/04/2017 15:37

Some flats for older people are going up a few streets away from us and our fear is that MIL would love to snap one of them up. She sees a lot of BIL and SIL (who live in the same town) and they would love her near for baby sitting and dog walking, but I know she would try to demand a house key off us as well. Over my dead body I have told DH, in no way of a joke.

5moreminutes · 24/04/2017 15:38

How weird that your friends' parents moved in next door without saying a word about their plans to their adult child - did it not even come up in conversation? Was it pure coincidence that they liked the house rather than actually wanting to live nearer?

We live somewhere where it is very common to build (or less often buy) a "two family" house and have a biggish detached house but with the ground floor as a more or less self contained flat for one set of parents and the upper floor or two floors for the "young" family. It sounds very practical but the women in traditional gender roles (sahm to small children then part time employed parents of school kids) I know in that situation have usually found themselves very resentful while the men in those relationships (out of the house for full time work) seem to think its wonderful... A lot of it is to do with the older generation of women judging the younger women's housekeeping and child rearing, or the younger women feeling judged at any rate, and the men assuming their wives have an easy life with the grandparents on hand to help whilst the younger women feel the help is very conditional and not always helpful... Kids usually seem to like it...

My in-laws talked about buying a house with us when I was pregnant with DC3. I smiled and nodded because I knew it would never happen as my MIL loves her house too much and would never actually find a compromise shared space she was happy with within budget, but I could not have stood it. 6 years down the line she is terminally ill and it would be nice if we could help more, but long term it would have been an absolute disaster. I'd cope with my own parents moving in next door even less well - in fact it would almost certainly put an end to one or more of my sanity, my marriage, or any relationship at all with my parents before a year was out...

GeekyWombat · 24/04/2017 15:41

I'd be chuffed if it happened (although more so if we moved next door to MIL, I'm a bit in love with the houses on her street).

I'd find them doing it by stealth more of an issue!

bran · 24/04/2017 15:48

This came up in conversation a few weeks ago. We have bought a plot of land and are building two houses, one to sell and one to live in. My H was wondering if my Mum would want to buy the smaller house as she lives by herself in a fairly remote area. I said that I didn't think that the suburb we are moving to would be posh enough for Mum, and kept my fingers crossed that she would agree with me.

It wouldn't be terrible, and it would make things easier if she needed to be looked after, for instance she has had several eye operations and a knee operation. But I fear that if she lived right beside us that I would be constantly sorting out her phone/computer/printer or running errands for her.

My MIL, fortunately, lives a long-haul flight away in a tropical country and wouldn't be able to tolerate the cold if she came to live next to use. She does live within a 10 min drive of her other son and his family, and I know that my SIL finds it a strain.

Namesarehard · 24/04/2017 15:49

I'd happily live next to to my pil. They're brilliant. So laid back they're practically horizontal.
I'd never live near my own parents though. I'd be gone in a heaetbeat.

alltouchedout · 24/04/2017 15:55

I would move if my parents moved in next door. I love them but no. Just no way.
Mind you they would not want to live next door to me either so I'm safe!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 24/04/2017 15:57

We have been nc for over 2 years.

I would set my huge dog on her tbh!

BodyformForYou · 24/04/2017 15:58

No way.
I would never want to live next door to my own parents, the passive aggression would kill me. Nothing is ever discussed, so unless everything was 100% 'their way' , there would be door slamming and being ignored to deal with. At least hundreds of miles away I can be ignored from afar

My in laws would be easier to live next door to, but I wouldn't actively seek it, and maybe hearing about how my thirtysomething year old husband was 'still her little boy' on a daily basis might make me squeamish

VictoriaMcdade · 24/04/2017 16:00

Good god no!

However, it's been really nice to see how many people really seem to like their PILs. Gives me hope for my DCs!

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 24/04/2017 16:00

I'd love for my in laws to move next door. My MIL is fantastic and I'd love to be able to keep an eye on her as she gets older and needs more support without being obvious that I'm checking up on her.

However, I'd hate for my own parents to move in next door. As much as I love them there's a reason I live over an hour's drive away!

MakeItStopNeville · 24/04/2017 16:01

I adore my in laws and my own parents but I really wouldn't want them next door.