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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Small Child & phone situation - AIBU?

59 replies

EllaElla · 24/04/2017 12:39

My genuinely lovely in-laws keep 5yo dd for us on the odd day or two overnight during extended school breaks. During the last stay, while FaceTimeing, dd shows me her "new phone" which was actually my old one I'd lent to DMIL when her last one broke. She has since upgraded. Dd was very pleased with the gift. I wasn't best pleased but said nothing as thought it would be better to speak to them separately about how I don't think a 5yo needs an iPhone. But my silent nods and wide eyes and mmm-hmms when they were speaking should have gotten the message across. They then brought her back the next day with the phone in tow. They were very quick to say, content has been deleted, there is no SIM, only works on wifi, and with apps DPIL have put on it etc. They were working hard to convince me but could tell I was being politely unhappy about it (while being totally grateful they keep her saving us childcare)

I'm not happy about it as she already has an iPad which sometimes becomes a source of friction, as it's used as a treat for good behaviour.

I don't like the idea of giving her a phone at her age anyway, I think she is far too young and it could be a slippery slope. She's marching around telling everyone she has a phone. Never mind retinal issues watching videos on kids YouTube on a tiny screen. DFIL has it synced with his iTunes so I can't control it. A lot of reasons...

My DPiL and DH don't think it's a huge deal. They think it's no different to the iPad. However DH would certainly put up a united front with dd if I put my foot down. I expect my dpils would think I was being a bit mean.

I say, it's my phone anyway (or was!) and as we don't need it any more I would like to sell it and put it towards things dd really does need in her life.

I genuinely don't know if IABU here as everyone else is quite nonchalant about it, even DH who is the protective sort! Any Views please??

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/04/2017 12:42

I don't think it's any different to the ipad either.

Presumably you supervise her on that, so you'll do the same if she chooses to play with the phone instead?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 24/04/2017 12:58

Retinal issues?

Since the introduction of the iPhone has there been a significant correlation of users needing glasses?

I think it's more to do with look what Granny has given me. Granny also being MIL.

ExplodedCloud · 24/04/2017 13:05

So you lent her your old phone as a stop gap but she's now given it to dd. How much is it worth 2nd hand?

Original poster
EllaElla · 24/04/2017 13:08

For clarity Re retinal issues: I mean the backlight of the iPhone differing from something like the kindle potentially causing eye strain. Also I don't know why she'd want to watch YouTube on the tiny iPhone 5 screen when she has a larger picture on the iPad mini, but there you are.

OP posts:
MarcelineTVQ · 24/04/2017 13:09

YANBU it's a bit extreme for a 5 year old to have an iPhone & you are the one with parental responsibility so if you don't want her to have it, regardless if it has been gifted you should be able to decide :) if she has an iPad & essentially will be using it the same as a iphone (just for apps/games) I can't imagine her calling anyone haha, then even more a reason to not feel bad taking it away as she will be getting similar access anyway. Is this normal that 5yo have iPhones these days?

Original poster
EllaElla · 24/04/2017 13:12

Exploded - mazuma gives me a quote of £50, it's a 32gig iPhone 5.

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 24/04/2017 13:12

I also don't think it's any different to an iPad. Maybe just keep it at Pils house so she can only use it there?

CosmoKlit · 24/04/2017 13:20

Don't really understand why / how you use an ipad for good behaviour - it seems odd to give screen time for good behaviour when good behaviour should be the norm.

Either use them interchangeably, or don't use them at all - there's no difference between them really to me.

Also chat with your MIL instead of the "being politely unhappy about it". You're both adults I assume.

kitchenlights · 24/04/2017 13:20

If there's no sim it's the same as an iPad. But easier to keep in your handbag. I would want to be in control of it though - plus it's your damn phone - sync it with your iTunes but you'll need their password to wipe it.

CosmoKlit · 24/04/2017 13:21

Also WTAF

"However DH would certainly put up a united front with dd if I put my foot down."

You and your DH need to parent together as a team, not pit one of you against your child.

CassandraAusten · 24/04/2017 13:21

I would be seriously unimpressed if my PILs gave my 5yo a phone. That's a decision for the parents to make.

Agree that keeping it at PILs house maybe a good compromise to keep family harmony.

user1491572121 · 24/04/2017 13:25

It wasn't their place to give her a phone. They're naive and you should just "disapear" it and tell them that it was dropped.

CassandraAusten · 24/04/2017 13:27

Cosmo I think the OP meant the opposite of how you've interpreted it (re the united front).

AlternativeTentacle · 24/04/2017 13:31

5 yr old with an iphone 5. OMG.

Sell it. And buy her a teddy or something.

Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2017 13:31

No different to an iPad really, a 5 year old doesn't really need either.

Leave it at grandparents house

Original poster
EllaElla · 24/04/2017 13:32

Yes Cosmo I meant he would definitely be supportive of my view if I felt strongly, as we do actively present a consistent parenting approach!! Smile

OP posts:
NoYouDontKnowItAll · 24/04/2017 13:33

It's just a phone I don't get the big deal. Are you sure this isn't just because it's your PILs who have given her it and if it had been your own parents (or whoever) you wouldn't have cared so much

Renaissance2017 · 24/04/2017 13:34

it could be a slippery slope. To what?

Personally it's not a battle I'd bother with. She'll drop it down the toilet or step on it soon enough. Problem solved.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 24/04/2017 13:36

I'd be seriously unimpressed too.

I can see where people are coming from re it not being much different to an iphone but the ex bought my DCs phones as Christmas presents. I thought the same. No different to an iPad (which we don't have) however, I've recently took them off the both of them because they were getting that addicted its unreal. I.e my WiFi is done through my phone, when the ex dropped the DCs off. No hello, nothing, DS was straight to my phone to turn the WiFi on Hmm I've decided they can have them at the weekends now until further notice. DD has her exams coming up and completing an obby on roblox isn't going to help her pass her sats.

SoupDragon · 24/04/2017 13:39

They think it's no different to the iPad

It isn't.

Technically it's not a phone as it has no SIM anyway.

ScarlettFreestone · 24/04/2017 13:40

I don't understand the problem.

"That was a nice thought but she's too young to have a phone"

And then stick it in a drawer and don't discuss again.

You are in charge regardless of who helps with child care. Just be polite about it.

Crashbangwhatausername · 24/04/2017 13:40

Wwhatever the opinion on whether a five year old should have a phone the issues as I see them are that your pils gave away something you had kindly lent to them, albeit your daughter but they have given away your possession and presumably taken credit for it and they have also made a decision which is quite a big one regarding gifts, I would be quite unimpressed if a relative turned up with an expensive gift for my dc for no reason. I would speak seriously with your dh about this. Although actually I wouldn't have a problem with a sim free iPhone for a 5yo that isn't the point, it's your and dhs decision to make

CassandraAusten · 24/04/2017 13:41

Re the "it's no different to an iPad" comments. Personally I would also be seriously annoyed if my PILs (or parents or whatever) gave my 5yo an iPad.

FanaticalFox · 24/04/2017 13:44

No way would I let my 5 year old have a phone thats ridiculous! And i would be majorly pissed off if my in laws gave her a phone without consulting me. I would nip it in the bud and take it off her now before she gets used to having it all the time.

Semaphorically · 24/04/2017 13:45

You made me think of this Grin

But to your question, I would be concerned as well. DD (3) uses our devices occasionally and her behaviour is much worse when she's had too much screen time. Not to mention the fact that any device that attaches to wifi can access the internet and all the attendant dangers that come with that. We use close supervision and guided access now on our iThings to manage it (guided access locks the device on one app) but I do worry about how to protect DD as she gets older.

Until you have agreement with the other adults in her life about how devices are used including frequency, when in the day, as a reward or not, how supervised etc I would be putting the phone in a drawer.

Small Child & phone situation - AIBU?
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