Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Small Child & phone situation - AIBU?

59 replies

EllaElla · 24/04/2017 12:39

My genuinely lovely in-laws keep 5yo dd for us on the odd day or two overnight during extended school breaks. During the last stay, while FaceTimeing, dd shows me her "new phone" which was actually my old one I'd lent to DMIL when her last one broke. She has since upgraded. Dd was very pleased with the gift. I wasn't best pleased but said nothing as thought it would be better to speak to them separately about how I don't think a 5yo needs an iPhone. But my silent nods and wide eyes and mmm-hmms when they were speaking should have gotten the message across. They then brought her back the next day with the phone in tow. They were very quick to say, content has been deleted, there is no SIM, only works on wifi, and with apps DPIL have put on it etc. They were working hard to convince me but could tell I was being politely unhappy about it (while being totally grateful they keep her saving us childcare)

I'm not happy about it as she already has an iPad which sometimes becomes a source of friction, as it's used as a treat for good behaviour.

I don't like the idea of giving her a phone at her age anyway, I think she is far too young and it could be a slippery slope. She's marching around telling everyone she has a phone. Never mind retinal issues watching videos on kids YouTube on a tiny screen. DFIL has it synced with his iTunes so I can't control it. A lot of reasons...

My DPiL and DH don't think it's a huge deal. They think it's no different to the iPad. However DH would certainly put up a united front with dd if I put my foot down. I expect my dpils would think I was being a bit mean.

I say, it's my phone anyway (or was!) and as we don't need it any more I would like to sell it and put it towards things dd really does need in her life.

I genuinely don't know if IABU here as everyone else is quite nonchalant about it, even DH who is the protective sort! Any Views please??

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 24/04/2017 13:45

As a grandparent I would never give such a thing to my grandsons without discussing with their parents first. Overstepping, in my opinion. Not surprised you're upset. And I agree five is too little, but that's beside the point, really, because it's what you think, and so grandparents job is to respect that.
My policy is support the parents, and I'd only ever step outside that if I had worries something was seriously going wrong of an abusive nature. I suppose you and DH need to sort united front, though.

MongerTruffle · 24/04/2017 13:47

clarity Re retinal issues: I mean the backlight of the iPhone differing from something like the kindle potentially causing eye strain.

An iPad can cause eye strain as well if you use it in poor lit conditions.

A backlit Kindle can cause eye strain as well if the brightness setting doesn't match the light level in the room.

MongerTruffle · 24/04/2017 13:47

That was meant to be in bold, not a hyperlink.

firawla · 24/04/2017 13:47

You don't want her to have it, and it was yours in the first place! Take it and sell it on Mazuma mobile, she's 5 she will forget about it soon enough? She has iPad so not hard done by. Then tell mil politely but firmly that you weren't happy with her having it, thanks for their kind guesture but please don't give such things to dd without checking with you first.

CosmoKlit · 24/04/2017 13:50

Ah, I get the DH comment now - I totally read that as he'd side with DD / PILs.

scrivette · 24/04/2017 13:50

I would be unimpressed too (and my 5 year old has my old iPhone that I keep hold of and occasionally let him use when we are out so he thinks it's his but really it's a spare!)

It's the fact they gave it but it was not theirs to give away, especially not to a 5 year old!

Original poster
EllaElla · 24/04/2017 13:51

crashbang yes this is close to how I feel- and you're right - they did take credit for giving her my phone.....and now I'm the 'bad guy' for not letting her keep it. Hmm

OP posts:
Somerville · 24/04/2017 13:53

I agree with the PP's who suggested she leaves it at their house for her to use for a it of screen time when she's there?
Explain that she doesn't need it at home as she already has a tablet.

AgathaMystery · 24/04/2017 13:54

I'd be livid. Our DC don't get 'screen time' etc. It's bullshit.

ScarlettFreestone · 24/04/2017 13:55

So be the bad guy. That's fine.

It helps remind everyone who is actually in charge.

I have absolutely no issue being the bad guy. Emotional blackmail has no effect whatsoever. It drives the PIL crazy. Grin

EineKleine · 24/04/2017 13:57

We gave DS my old phone for his 4th birthday .

We loaded "his" music onto it, and installed a drawing/paint and a keyboard app. That was all. Basically it was an mp3 player that he could navigate by seeing the album covers and knowing enough letters to figure out the song titles, complete with a small speaker. No youtube, no itunes, no internet. It stopped him wrecking the cds and he had independent access to his music (I think it basically taught him to read too).

Leave it at grandparents' house. Supervision would be an issue for me - there's all sorts of stuff on youtube, and some games can be used to link up with other users. You could agree a daily time limit. You have to trust them to police the tech at their house anyway, whether on their ipad, their pc, their phones etc. Giving her the phone, like giving her the ipad at home, just makes it more obvious that she has access to these things.

Children adapt easily to different rules in different houses so I don't think the "clash" with ipad will be an issue as long as it stays at GPs' house. More TV and sweets are perks of visiting GPs, and this is similar.

Iamthinking · 24/04/2017 14:00

But I wouldn't have given my 5yo an iPad. That was the beginning of the slippery slope.

FlannelTimCircleSocks · 24/04/2017 14:02

I wouldn't give a 5 year old a phone or an iPad tbh.
My youngest dc is 5 - I would expect she would lose interest pretty quickly and I could hide it away without too much problem.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 24/04/2017 14:02

It is the same as the ipad. Wait a little bit until the novelty wears off and then sell it or put it away. It's your phone, not a present they got her.

FlannelTimCircleSocks · 24/04/2017 14:05

My eldest Dd had a phone at age 11 (in time for secondary school) and her first iPad at age 13.
I don't understand why people want to rush in to these things so early - there's plenty of time for it in the teen years.

UppityHumpty · 24/04/2017 14:07

It isn't any different to an ipad. They're right there.

WinBigly · 24/04/2017 14:10

I can't believe there are 4 and 5 year olds on this thread with better phones than me Sad

Original poster
EllaElla · 24/04/2017 14:12

Re the iPad: we travel in the car on holiday and have long haul trips to visit family overseas, which is mainly when it gets wheeled out and she knows this. She does not have free access to it & She might get 30 minutes of watching a film or some stuff on YouTube kids app or CBeebies app before she gets bored a couple of times a week (supervised), when her behaviour has been really good and school work is complete etc.

OP posts:
AbernathysFringe · 24/04/2017 14:12

She's too young, it's the kind of thing that should be a parent's decision. YANBU. I'm not keen on IPADs for that young either unless it's for a very long journey and other entertainment exhausted. Looking at screens is not exactly good for your eyes time.com/3257927/you-asked-can-computers-ruin-eyes/

Charlie97 · 24/04/2017 14:13

YANBU

MrsLupo · 24/04/2017 14:15

Appalling that you lent it to MIL in (presumably) an emergency but that when she upgraded she didn't return it. But I think you missed your moment by not simply saying at the outset that it's your phone and not available to be given as a gift to DD because you need to sell it. Now you've notionally gone along with the whole thing, I think you're stuck with it. I would still ask MIL why she thought it was OK to make a gift of something that didn't belong to her, though.

Good idea from a pp about it being left at PILs for DD to use there, while she has her ipad at home, though it does mean you can't supervise when she can use it and how long for. But tbh, I can't think why a 5yo needs either a phone or a tablet. Why not let DD entertain herself with toys, games and books? Better for her imagination, her developing brain and (ime) her behaviour. No doubt I'm an old-fashioned crone, though.

Original poster
EllaElla · 24/04/2017 14:16

I guess the phone feels different because obviously the pils did not put these boundaries up. She has been expecting to take it with her everywhere and use when she wants. I have squirrelled it away while I decide what we will do with it. She's asked for it a bit less over the last day or so, so I'm hoping she'll forget about it.

OP posts:
PolynesianGirl · 24/04/2017 14:17

YANBU but as it has no sim in it, I would treat it the same than the iPad and therefore would leave it to her only as a treat. She could then chose to use the iPad or the iPhone.

That way PIL aren't upset and you still have control over the phone.
I would have a BIG issue with it being sync with your PIL iTunes because you have no control over it. Plus I would argue that they are putting themselves in a dangerous situation if she start buying stuff inside games etc..l and their system isn't full proof on that.

Iamthinking · 24/04/2017 15:06

Yes, treat as an option for her for when she would have had iPad time. So, long journey ahead, do you want to use the phone or the iPad? And the rest of the time put it out of reach. It's diplomatic but keeps you in control.

With time you can phase it out, or it could 'stop working'.

I think YANBU by the way.

Foxysoxy01 · 24/04/2017 15:35

I'm it's the same as the IPad only smaller!

Why can't you use it in the same way as the iPad? Just give her the option of iPad or phone.

I really don't see why it has to be a drama.

You have decided it's ok for your DC to use an iPad so I can't see how you can have any sort of a problem with using the non phone, of course other than you not being the one to give it to her Hmm

It will look petty to the PIL and I imagine your DH will think it petty too (although hopefully kind enough not to mention it and to back you up regardless)

Ultimately it's your decision but just remember it will be very hard for the GP's to differentiate between the iPad and non iPhone and may feel a little miffed about it.