This is a long one...
Here's the back story: I left ex 5 years ago. He was mentally, physically and financially abusive, and generally a class A dickhead. We have 2 DCs, now aged 10 and 8. He pays regular maintenance and buys things for the children (overly elaborate Christmas/birthday gifts) but shows no interest in seeing the children or in having any say in their education, welfare or general upbringing. I used to take them an hour on the train to see him every other weekend. They would see him at work for around half an hour, he gives them some pocket money and we go on our way. To me, this isn't meaningful contact, but it's all they could get because his days off are spent playing Xbox, drinking and smoking weed with his friends (they are all in their 30's and single, surprisingly)
Recently DCs have become less and less interested in going to see him, so it's now more like once a month. He has decided this is me 'refusing to allow him access' and obviously kicks up a stink about it, but still makes no attempt to come and see them.
I met a wonderful man a few years ago, we live together, we're getting married this year and in every way other than biologically, he is a parent to my DCs. He does school runs when I'm at work, helps with their homework, shows an interest in their education, health and wellbeing. Despite saying for the whole of his life that he didn't want children, he has wholeheartedly embraced the step parent role and he's bloody good at it. If I sound like I'm gushing, it's because I am. I do get a bit teary eyed sometimes when I see DP playing lego with DS or reading DDs latest science magazine with her. His parents are fantastic, they dote on DCs too, and treat them exactly the same as their biological grandchildren.
Here is my AIBU. Even once we are married, DP will have no parental rights whatsoever. I asked their dad if he would consider agreeing to a legal Step Parental responsibility order. This takes no rights away from him, and his rights as a biological parent will always trump DP's. Not that it will ever be an issue because he literally doesn't give a shit about anything. Obviously he said no, because he's an utter twat. They're HIS children, and no man will ever replace him blah blah blah. And while that is true, the point of this isn't about replacing him, it's about allowing my husband the same legal rights as me with regards to DCs upbringing. God forbid, if we were in an accident and I was unconscious, DP wouldnt be able to consent to medical treatment for them and they'd have to wait until they could get hold of their dad. Which is tricky because he NEVER answers his phone. While I accept this is an unlikely scenario, it's just an example. It also means that, if something were to happen to me, their dad could take them to live with him, and DP and the rest of our families would have no legal right to see them ever again.
So AIBU in asking him to allow DP to have PR?
Any experiences of this? Anyone been on the other end and refused PR to a step parent? I'm fairly certain that if we were to go to court about it, they would grant PR to DP once we're married without ex's consent, due to his lack of any fucking interest whatsoever. They will always act in the child's best interests and anyone with even half a brain can see what would be best for my DCs. If you were to ask them both about their family, their dad wouldn't even get a mention. They don't even speak about him or ask to see him. But I don't want it to have to come to that. It's a long and expensive process, and while it's fine as a last resort, I just don't see why it has to be that way. It's ex's last ditch attempt at trying to control our lives, and I'm not having it!
That was longer than I expected....