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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DD's dad has moved beyond 'functioning'?

36 replies

twohourssleepandamigraine · 23/04/2017 22:07

I gave up on him long ago (and the fantasy of co-parenting) but have never given up on him being her daddy. DD is nine. He now sees her once a week and, while there have been a few issues over the years, it's been OK. Last week, I found out he had left her at his house alone, with no phone, for an hour and a half. We had a conversation about this and I felt I had got through to him. Today, DD called me (I made sure she had her phone) to say daddy had said he was going in the shower and she had gone upstairs an hour later to find him asleep in bed. She was in tears and asking me to pick her up, which I did, and left him sleeping off his hangover. I texted him to say what had happened and maybe he needed to seek help as his behaviour was hurting his DD. He hasn't replied. I picked DD up from his house eight hours ago. AIBU to think he's a lost cause as a father? I know he loves her, but what about the damage it's causing her?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/04/2017 22:10

He can't put her first, not even for a short time once a week. You are her rock.

chocolatesavedmysanity · 23/04/2017 22:11

Oh dear. I'm sorry for your dd. Does he have depression / alcohol addiction issues?

Pollydonia · 23/04/2017 22:15

Your poor DD, he sounds like a lost cause.

MrsTwix · 23/04/2017 22:16

Perhaps she should have supervised contact with him?

MrsTwix · 23/04/2017 22:17

Or supported contact.

www.naccc.org.uk/find-a-centre

Original poster
twohourssleepandamigraine · 23/04/2017 22:56

Yes, he has alcohol addiction issues, not that he'd admit it. He considers himself a 'party guy', even though he's over 50 and 'parties' on his own from the moment her wakes up to the moment he passes out. When I need to speak to him, I have to consider whether he'll be sober, and it's a very small window. When I went to speak to him about leaving DD alone, I asked him to be sober (at 11am). He poured himself a large glass of white at 11.30.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 22:58

He's incapable I'm afraid, your poor DD. Contact centre only from now on.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 23/04/2017 22:58

Supervised or no contact. You need to protect your dd.

Original poster
twohourssleepandamigraine · 23/04/2017 23:12

Everything I do is about protecting her. I just never thought I would have to protect her from her own father. He isn't abusive, or deliberately negligent, but clearly, he is too far gone to be a responsible parent. He must have woken up at some point today and realised she wasn't in the house. He clearly doesn't care and has gone out drinking again.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 23:13

Does she even want to see him? Genuinely? (and not just out of guilt / obligation / not wanting to hurt his feelings?)

Gallavich · 23/04/2017 23:15

You must not allow him to have her at home again! I'm surprised you haven't stopped it already if he's drinking all day. He's deep in alcohol addiction and cannot make good choices about her at all. Supervised only and only if he can commit to staying sober for every contact - otherwise you stop it until he has had treatment.

BluePheasant · 23/04/2017 23:21

Yes I'm afraid he does sound like a lost cause as a father. Unless he can stay sober which clearly he is a long way off doing. I wouldn't be leaving DD with him again, she sounds a sensible nine year old but it's still not a safe or appropriate environment.

RedStripeIassie · 23/04/2017 23:28

That's so rough. Sorry for all of you. He can't really look after her and it will be damaging her even though he's not abusive. At nine you have that horrible acute feeling of being on edge around a drunk parent and learn to 'manage' them. My Dad has never been abusive at all but I remember being a similar age to your daughter and being in dangerous situations like him drink driving etc. You can't let that happen till he agrees to gets help. You can be kind and supportive as he makes the changes he need to make. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
twohourssleepandamigraine · 23/04/2017 23:29

At this moment in time, she would be fine with never seeing him again. She calls him 'drunk daddy' and says he is embarrassing, she says she doesn't love him any more. I am just so upset that he got a wake up call and didn't heed it. I genuinely don't understand parents who refuse to put their children first, but I don't want her to grow up without her dad. When he's sober, he is an OK person, I guess I'm in denial about his denial and have to let go of the person he was. He isn't that person, or daddy, any more.

OP posts:
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 23/04/2017 23:35

A teenager, let alone a nine year old, should not have to witness a patent that inebriated. If he can't even stay sober a few hours a week to spend quality time with his dd, then he has given up the right to have her unsupervised.

Imagine how frightened she must have felt to be left alone with no means to contact anyone, not knowing for sure when he would come back? That 1.5 hours must have felt like an eternity for a child as young (and 9 IS young) as your dd. That alone was enough grounds to stop unsupervised contact. You have him another chance and he blew it. It is now up to you to protect her from ever being in another situation like this again.

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 23:36

I'm so sorry. My dad was an alcoholic and died in his 50s as a result. I wouldn't make her see him, if she doesn't want to, in that case x

RedStripeIassie · 23/04/2017 23:41

That embarrassment she's feeling is painful and it's probably covering a load more hurting she's not ready to tap into underneath. My embarrassment alowed me to tap into how angry I really was but I still loved him. Obviously you have a better idea of her feelings I. This situatiation. No one wins here Sad.

I'm wary of giving advice because I'm not following it in my life but what I've heard is that you just have to step back and protect her from the fallout. He might be the Dad she deserves one day but just can't be right now. Let him figure it out. Addiction loves anyone's coverups and denial so you need to let that go first.

Let your daughter be sad and angry and be prepared for her feelings about her dad to change drastically Day by day.

fassbendersmistress · 23/04/2017 23:44

i don't want her to grow up without her dad

Please don't force her to spend time with an alcoholic parent because of misplaced guilt. You are doing a wonderful job as a mother and you don't need to stage manage the dad relationship. Only heist responsible for that and your daughter will understand that when she grows up. Alcoholic parents cause so much long term damage. She is better off away from him, until such point he decides to sort himself out.

chocolatesavedmysanity · 23/04/2017 23:48

Unless he recognises the issues or tries to get help I'd say she is better off without him. Poor kid Flowers

ToadsforJustice · 24/04/2017 00:01

The thing is that she is growing up without her Dad because he is too drunk to behave like one. Your daughter is better off without him. If you are still thinking that contact is a good thing, ask yourself how long will it take for him to ring you to find out how your daughter is.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/04/2017 00:08

i don't want her to grow up without her dad

But do you want to risk things like....

Her finding his dead body if he pegs it after a session,
Her being injured because he's so pissed he won't know what he's doing,
Her learning that his wine is more important to him than her wellbeing,
Her having to deal with him injuring himself due to his own state,
Him risking driving her somewhere pissed,

If you feel she needs a mobile during contact inorder for her to contact you to deal with safeguarding her then that means contact is not safe for her.

Original poster
twohourssleepandamigraine · 24/04/2017 00:20

The message I sent about picking her up from his house was sent at 3.50pm. He hasn't responded. His loss.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/04/2017 00:24

twohourssleepandamigraine I am so sorry for your daughter being put in this horrible position.

Please listen to your daughter who does not want a relationship with this man.

"I am just so upset that he got a wake up call and didn't heed it."

It is not your responsibility to make him heed the warning, nor is it your daughter's.

"I genuinely don't understand parents who refuse to put their children first, but I don't want her to grow up without her dad."

He cannot put her needs first, because he is addicted. However, you can put her needs first but you seem to be hesitating because you are hanging on to a fantasy that it is better to have a shit dad than no dad. And that is not true.

"When he's sober, he is an OK person" Not much of an advert for a father for your little girl is it, a man who is only OK when sober and struggles to be sober. Maybe he will get sober, maybe this will make him come round.

"I guess I'm in denial about his denial and have to let go of the person he was. He isn't that person, or daddy, any more." I feel you are making this a bit about you, your expectations of him as a parent. BUT it is not about you or him, and I am sure you know it, it is about your dd.

You are enough for her.

Ensure he only has sober, supervised contact if she wants it and do not allow him to put her in this position again, please.

Italiangreyhound · 24/04/2017 00:26

two I am sorry if that sounded harsh, I just really feel the dangers really outweigh any potential benefits.

I totally agree with NeedsAsockamnesty, lots of dangers for your dd and if she needs a phone to be safe in a home with her dad, you know the rest....

Original poster
twohourssleepandamigraine · 24/04/2017 00:31

NeedsAsockamnesty, I agree. I have always insisted that he gets taxis with DD, and he always has, but it shouldn't be like that, should it?

OP posts: