to think DD's dad has moved beyond 'functioning'?

[twohourssleepandamigraine]

I gave up on him long ago (and the fantasy of co-parenting) but have never given up on him being her daddy. DD is nine. He now sees her once a week and, while there have been a few issues over the years, it's been OK. Last week, I found out he had left her at his house alone, with no phone, for an hour and a half. We had a conversation about this and I felt I had got through to him. Today, DD called me (I made sure she had her phone) to say daddy had said he was going in the shower and she had gone upstairs an hour later to find him asleep in bed. She was in tears and asking me to pick her up, which I did, and left him sleeping off his hangover. I texted him to say what had happened and maybe he needed to seek help as his behaviour was hurting his DD. He hasn't replied. I picked DD up from his house eight hours ago. AIBU to think he's a lost cause as a father? I know he loves her, but what about the damage it's causing her?

It's such a shame, but if he can't manage to pull himself together just once a week to make sure he's there for his daughter then she deserves not to have to put up with that. Otherwise she's just going to experience being let down time and again

My brother was an alcoholic. He died aged 29. Perhaps I am scarred by my experiences, or maybe I am all too aware of the realities of alcoholism, but there's not a chance in hell I'd leave my daughter with a known alcoholic.

Christ.
Don't leave her with him. Ever. Please. I have too much personal experience of this.
Also - social services would be VERY unimpressed.

OP print out what Italiangreyhound posted and keep it. That says it all.
So sorry to read this. I have been in a very similar position.

My brother died in similar circs aged 32 pp.

As much as my dd loved him, I would have never left him alone with her. Despite his best intentions he was just too much of a chaotic character to be in charge of a child.

Sorry op, what a shitty situation for both you and DD. He's not safe to be left with a child until he gets proper help. All day drinking is not even vaguely functioning.

If you're desperate to maintain contact, could you manage 2 hours every other weekend, with you being present at all times? Or even every month?

Italiangreyhound, I completely agree with you. I was trying to be unbiased because I have seen how posters get flamed on here, and I was genuinely looking for support. I expected people to tell me I wasn't being fair, I was standing in the way of my DD's relationship with her dad etc. I don't believe that contact at any expense is beneficial for children, and there is no way I will ask DD spend any more time with her dad unless he takes steps to prove that he wants to be her father. His radio silence after failing her again today speaks volumes. He might find that by the time, if ever, he's ready to be a proper parent, she's no longer willing to forgive, and that's his issue. She knows I am here for her whatever she decides, and will always support her.

twohourssleepandamigraine great update. Stay strong.

It's a terribly sad moment when you realise you have to make the seismic shift from:

A: Being the best parent you can be by ... facilitating contact and a good relationship with the other parent'

And on to the very different B:
Being the best parent you can be by ... protecting your child from the harm that seeing the other parent would do.

It's a huge shift in gears, and involves the death of that tiny sliver of hope and optimism that your dc will have the family she deserves.

Changing perspectives like that can be too much for some people. Giving up on the dream, and also admitting you were wrong in some ways, 'proved' by you suddenly reserving direction. I think it's a good and sensible step forwards vs a guilty retreat but it's hard to see it like that sometimes I think maybe it's that 'sunk losses fallacy' thing (or whatever it's called!) as well.

I did the big parenting shift a couple of years ago now and I can still remember the moment I realised I needed to protect DS from his own father. Very similar to your situation in some ways... incapable of putting his child before his own desires, and putting DS in danger through unthinking neglect.

I still feel guilty about the damage being around his father did to DS. And that I let it happen for too long, I wish I'd changed tack at least 6 mths before I did. As it is poor DS is only just starting to show the effects of the damage that selfish bastard did. And I'm still trying to repair the damage. 3 yrs later. Children internalise the messages their parents give them and they get hard wired into brain development, identity, self esteem, social and emotional development etc etc etc. DS was being shown that he didn't matter as much as anything else in his fathers life. And that he must be different / less worthy than other children he saw whose daddy's cared about them. He's getting better, but it's a hard road and one that should never have had to be travelled.

You're being great and it seems that you're shifted those mental gears already. I hope I'm not sounding patronising but my overwhelming response to this thread is a big Well Done to you. You really are being the best mum your DD could have

hes not being a dad though is he

he couldnt giv a toss-if he wants to see her he has to go and gt help