Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To debate having a baby?

41 replies

Meekonsandwich · 22/04/2017 22:39

Im at a cross roads and need experienced advice!

I've always disliked the idea of having children, the responsibility, the expense, the potential for disaster.

Dh maintains he wouldnt mind children but he wouldn't care or get upset if it didnt happen. I grilled him on this to make sure he wasnt just keeping me happy and he revealed if he was to have one it would be in the next two years or not at all. He doesn't want to be an "old dad" he's watched co workers struggle to keep up with their kids.
I have swung back and forward on the idea (very unreasonable to dh I know but it's such a huge decision! It doesn't just affect us!)

Cons:
I watched my mum ruin her life by having kids very young. Harsh but true she sacrificed so much for us.

I have schizophrenia and I worry I'll pass it on or not be a good enough mother. However I've really improved over the last few months, coming off medication completely.

I worry if I don't absolutely love the idea of children I wont bond with mine.

No freedom! We've spent the last two years living under a cloud of illness and I'm really looking forward to quality time and holidays! We barely do the deed now, so with a child, no chance!!! ( not even sure How id get pregnant to be fair ;) )

Pros:

My career would be unaffected. We can afford childcare and I work a typical 8 til 4 part time job.

I have heard many times "you'd he a great mum, you're so creative/kind/good with children"

We are very comfortable with our finances. If I was to be a sahp it would be no problem.

We both have a silly romantic notion of having a lovely big family to talk to spend time with and cuddle. However reality is we really don't get on with our own families!!

Neutral:
I am early 20 s, I feel this is good and bad, full of energy, won't be doing the school run in my 40 s, hopefully better chance of fertility being good, but where some of my friends still want to meet up for dinner and drinks, I have others who already have babies and are settled, so I won't have no friends in either situation. But will I be resentful I didn't have wild adventures in my 20 s?

What if we regret whatever we do?!?!
We have friends who didn't want children and they're smitten with their own. But i have others that have really struggled to cope, getting depressed and regretting it. Most parents say they wouldn't change it for the world, but REALLY?!?!

Please advise!

OP posts:
Pigface1 · 22/04/2017 22:42

I think you've got plenty of time to decide. My impression is that it's relatively unusual to desperately want children in your early 20s.

Glossolalia · 22/04/2017 22:45

Have some adventures firstSmile

lampshady · 22/04/2017 22:48

Plenty of time. Everything seems good for you at the moment so carry on.

FlapAttack78 · 22/04/2017 22:50

Enjoy lay ins and sunloungers and uninterrupted meals and sleep for a few more years I would say!

NotQuiteJustYet · 22/04/2017 22:52

Definitely spend some time having fun now that you're out of your dark patch and you're feeling better. Honestly, don't rush kids, you have all the time in the world yet.

Chavelita · 22/04/2017 23:07

I think you'd be quite mad to have a baby in your early twenties, especially when you've only just recovered good MH, and the world is your oyster.

Original poster
Meekonsandwich · 22/04/2017 23:10

I agree with the above, however DH is quite a bit older than me and I feel it would be unfair to ask him to push his time frame back further because when I got ill he already said he was reaching his limit but agreed to give me more time.

I wouldn't want to disregard what he's saying and say "I'm not sure but I might be in 5 to 10 years so hang on and wait and see!"

After all if I decide I don't want children and he realises he does I think he should be free to find someone who does. I think its highly unlikely that will happen, but it's not unheard of.

OP posts:
MiniAlphaBravo · 22/04/2017 23:11

It doesn't sound like you actually want a child. Therefore I don't think you should ttc.

Wando1986 · 22/04/2017 23:14

"However I've really improved over the last few months, coming off medication completely."

Pretty sure that is now how managing such a condition works... maybe skip the kids for now OP.

Wando1986 · 22/04/2017 23:14

*not how. Damn phone!

Chavelita · 22/04/2017 23:17

But why would you consider having a child you're far from sure you want in your early 20s because your older DH, who says he's not bothered either way, has just revealed he's given himself a personal deadline?

Original poster
Meekonsandwich · 22/04/2017 23:26

@wando1986
It was a case of the side effects were making life so difficult that i came off then and manage my symptoms in other ways,
But I am completely aware that I may need to go back on them and things could go downhill.
Coming off medication meant I could stop sleeping 17 hours a day and could get a job.

That's a big con for me, is it unreasonable to even think of bring up a child when they could see their mother in a very negative way?

Maybe I phrased it badly, he hasn't just plucked this deadline out of the air, I knew this when I first met him. He said along the lines of "I don't want children any later than x age"
Then he agreed to make the age higher,
So now, that's in two years time.

Am I coming across as a wet noodle who is considering children for dh?

Also, why would you want to give up lie ins and holidays and uninterrupted meals at any age?! ;)

OP posts:
NotAnotherUserName5 · 22/04/2017 23:27

It doesn't sound to me you really want them, maybe it's more you feel it's what you should be doing as a married couple?

BertieBotts · 22/04/2017 23:28

I disagree, I think it does sound like you want a child or children. I don't think you have to be 100% sure to bond with them. Plenty of people fall pregnant by accident. Plus it's unrealistic to ever be 100% sure about anything. I also think if you're a little bit uncertain you tend to have a better time because you have a more realistic expectation of the negatives so you get surprised by the good parts rather than surprised with the bad. And treatments and support for conditions like schizophrenia are improving all the time. I don't think you should hold off because of that fear if having children is important to you.

But given your recent illness I'd give it some time. Partly to enjoy the freedom you've been missing, but also to see how things pan out in the longer term. Of course you need to speak to DH but I would caution against rushing into things.

Are you going to have wild adventures anyway? I think this is a bit of a red herring.

Aria2015 · 22/04/2017 23:37

I had my first (and so far only) baby at 33 and it was a great age. I know you're in your early twenties and you and your dh probably think early thirties is ancient but trust me, when you get there you'll see it's still pretty young! I can assure you I have no issues keeping up with my lo and nor does my dh lol!

I wasn't keen on the idea of kids either when I was your age but I warmed to the idea as I got older. I don't feel like I'm missing out on life now But that's because I did sooooo much before I had lo. I've travelled the world, gone on LOADS of holidays, had all the nights out a girl could want.

My advice, enjoy your life a bit first. Enjoy your marriage, go on holidays, travel etc... you are soooo far from being old there really is no rush!

Aria2015 · 22/04/2017 23:42

Sorry just read that your dh is older than you making some of my post not relevant!

bittapitta · 22/04/2017 23:46

No no no you are not ready. Nothing you have posted suggests you are ready - in fact it sounds like a recipe for PND. Live a little first.

SelkieQualia · 22/04/2017 23:52

You are only early 20s. Wait. Don't have kids unless you are absolutely sure you want them.

Also, I don't think your career will be completely unaffected. Your job sounds better than most, but kids take over your life in ways you don't expect.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/04/2017 23:53

How old is your dp? I think you should wait and enjoy your health and freedom, at least a year.

I had adventures through my twenties and had dc when I was 35. I never wanted dc in my twenties (hadn't met dh then ) and wouldn't have given up my freedom for anything. But it's OK if you don't want that. For many reasons it's great to be a young mum.

Original poster
Meekonsandwich · 22/04/2017 23:58

Thank you for your honest responses, to be truthful you're echoing what the sensible part of my brain is thinking.

I think when faced with a life changing choice I really panic about regret.
All the hard work and heartache that comes with raising a child and yet most people say it's the best thing in their lives and they don't regret a second and there's no love like it, theyd die for their child,

Have I been brainwashed?! DO all parents feel like this?!

How do approach the conversation of "we may want children in the future but let's enjoy life now?"
Just cross that bridge when I come to it?
Would you not be upset if your partner changed their mind on a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
abigwideworld · 23/04/2017 00:02

I made one of these threads under a different NN a while ago OP, I'm in my early 20s too. I got a resounding NO from mumsnet but did it anyway! It was just useful to read all the different opinions. My baby is six months old and it was the best decision I ever made!

However... in your case I would wait. No matter what your career will be affected, and you'll have no time to yourself. I always knew I wanted kids and had a ton of spare time. I don't have any now! But if you already have little free time you'll be swamped with a kid. Just enjoy yourself for now!

BackforGood · 23/04/2017 00:20

Even without your MH issues, 'early 20s' is very young to be keen on having a baby.
Get out, enjoy working for a while, go traveling, have an adventure, then revisit it in 5 years or more.
I see you've not answered how much older your dh is, but he might feel differently in 5 years time too.

GardenGeek · 23/04/2017 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2017 06:57

I would try to enjoy your new found stability for the next year and revisit the question of children then. That still fits in with DH's arbitrary timescale but allows for some adventure before then. I'd also see if you can get some info on the likely impact of pregnancy and children on your MH.

FlapAttack78 · 23/04/2017 07:18

How old is DH? you said originally he wasn't too bothered either way. Think alabigwideworld has said how it is well. ... it is amazing but all consuming and exhausting . I had my little one at 26 and wouldn't change it for the world now as it wouldn't be him if I had waited... I love him to pieces and he makes me laugh eveRy day.. but christ alive I am exhausted, my career has been totally affected even though I work part time 3 days a week. He is almost 3 now gets ill or just goes throigh stages sometimes and we are up through the night with him.. days at home with him are full on and when the weekend comes me and my husband don't see as much of eaxh other as we tag team as we both have work we need to get done at home (teachers) and also every just want an hour or two child free time. We dont have family close by though but do put him.in nursery every now and again.

Hotels now are no good as he goes to sleep by 8 so one of us is stuck in the dark it him by 8.. other one at the bar haha or having a long bath!

Staying at friends houses who don't have kids is a stress. .. he Is demanding of time and attention and wants to get into all their precious stuff and use slate coasters to carve shapes into the coffee tables!

He is up at 6am every day without fail!

Totally worth it like I said but brace yourself haha. I found the baby years easier bur toddler more challenging even if more rewarding. Having to co parent and work together on now to manage his behaviour when he went through a hitting stage.. its tough on your relationship at times.

I would definitely give yourself a few more years if I were you!