To debate having a baby?

[Meekonsandwich]

Im at a cross roads and need experienced advice!

I've always disliked the idea of having children, the responsibility, the expense, the potential for disaster.

Dh maintains he wouldnt mind children but he wouldn't care or get upset if it didnt happen. I grilled him on this to make sure he wasnt just keeping me happy and he revealed if he was to have one it would be in the next two years or not at all. He doesn't want to be an "old dad" he's watched co workers struggle to keep up with their kids.
I have swung back and forward on the idea (very unreasonable to dh I know but it's such a huge decision! It doesn't just affect us!)

Cons:
I watched my mum ruin her life by having kids very young. Harsh but true she sacrificed so much for us.

I have schizophrenia and I worry I'll pass it on or not be a good enough mother. However I've really improved over the last few months, coming off medication completely.

I worry if I don't absolutely love the idea of children I wont bond with mine.

No freedom! We've spent the last two years living under a cloud of illness and I'm really looking forward to quality time and holidays! We barely do the deed now, so with a child, no chance!!! ( not even sure How id get pregnant to be fair ;) )

Pros:

My career would be unaffected. We can afford childcare and I work a typical 8 til 4 part time job.

I have heard many times "you'd he a great mum, you're so creative/kind/good with children"

We are very comfortable with our finances. If I was to be a sahp it would be no problem.

We both have a silly romantic notion of having a lovely big family to talk to spend time with and cuddle. However reality is we really don't get on with our own families!!

Neutral:
I am early 20 s, I feel this is good and bad, full of energy, won't be doing the school run in my 40 s, hopefully better chance of fertility being good, but where some of my friends still want to meet up for dinner and drinks, I have others who already have babies and are settled, so I won't have no friends in either situation. But will I be resentful I didn't have wild adventures in my 20 s?

What if we regret whatever we do?!?!
We have friends who didn't want children and they're smitten with their own. But i have others that have really struggled to cope, getting depressed and regretting it. Most parents say they wouldn't change it for the world, but REALLY?!?!

Please advise!

God yes, I forgot about the impact on a relationship. cackles maniacally

Seriously though, it's hard.

I disagree with BertieBotts. There is nothing in your post that suggests that you really want children. From what you have said it doesn't sound like a great idea. It might be a good idea to discuss how having a child might impact on your mental health with a medical professional before you make a decision.

Nothing in your post suggests that early motherhood would be a good move for you. Lots suggests it would be a very risk one.

You have time. Lots of time. Enjoy your life, build your career, put together a nest egg, look after yourself and your mental health. Enjoy being well. Revisit the baby thing a few years down the line.

Oh and if when you are ready to have children your dp isn't then you can choose to stay or choose to leave. If he cares about you, even a little bit, he'd not be suggesting a baby right now. In fact, it's really suspicious that he is.

I have 3 dc. I am mid 20s and dh is a fair bit older. I made the choice to have kids young with dh as he didnt want to be an older dad for the same reasons as your dh. It is challenging. Its not easy. But i wouldnt change it for the world. However considering your health would your dh wait 1 or 2 years and give you a 'breather' before ttc?

he revealed if he was to have one it would be in the next two years or not at all

Such a weird point of view...How old is he then, late 40s?

Its not a good thing to be at such a crossroads right now.

From the perspective of someone who suffers with a chronic MH condition, I'd make sure you have a rock solid support network of professionals, friends and family around if/whenever you decide to go ahead. I'd also make sure there were as close to zero other stress factors in my life.

I was at high risk for post partum psychosis which I didn't get, but had and still have PND. I'm chronically sleep deprived and there are numerous other external stresses on me. This has made the PND worse and although I wouldn't change my decision to have my son, getting help on the NHS has been extremely difficult (think 7 month waiting lists, lost paperwork, usual drill).

I think for anyone, pregnancy and birth and postnatal life is like a hand grenade in your emotional and physical state. Maternity services are in crisis and the way you are treated can be bloody shocking - rates of PND and PTSD are growing in line with cuts to the services. I feel like there needs to be much more noise made about this in general but certainly those of us with MH malarkey to deal with need to be especially aware. I say this not to frighten you but because I wish to god someone had prepared me better and helped me arrange support.

Good luck whatever you choose and we'll done with the recovery - no mean feat xx

I notice you say you hardly ever "do the deed" even now. Why is this? Is it due to health problems on his part or problems in your relationship? If either, you need to get those issues sorted out before you even think of having a baby, no matter what age you are.

I'm also suspicious of this arbitrary 2 year deadline. Totally unreasonable to impose this when deciding to marry someone in their early twenties!

How old is he exactly? Do YOU think his deadline is reasonable. Unless he is in his nineties and immobile seems a bit extreme to me.

For some perspective, I have a friend with a wife 25 years younger than him. Had grown up family from previous marriage. His wife wanted a family, at first he thought he was too old. Then he saw how important it was to his DW and decided to go ahead because he loves her.

Today they have a five year old and a nine month old. He is in his mid sixties and has some health issues. However, says it is the best thing he ever did, they are all so happy.

If your DH would not be prepared to give you the time you need for this decision, what does that say about him?

I think your dh underestimates how tiring it is to have children when you are young, and possibly overestimates how tiring it is when you are older. The truth is, having children is tiring. At any age. They test your patience, they go through periods where they seem to need you around the clock, they require you to make life-changing decisions on their behalf, they need you to combine the roles of cheerleader and wise Rock of Ages. Tact and patience and stamina are far more important than whether you puff a bit when running around the football field.

Does your dh think he is now equipped with resources of patience and wisdom which will magically evaporate once he hits 40 (or whatever random age he has set himself).

I would say that someone who tries to pressurise you into having children before a random timeline does not have the qualities you need to make a good dad. Maybe 5 or 10 years to work on those...

Or just be honest and accept that there is no obligation to have children, the task of keeping the race going is already filled quite adequately by people who actually want to do it and there is no good reason to join them unless this is actually what you really want.

corythatwas agree wholeheartedly!

I had children young. I had my first at 17, completely unplanned, and I'm now pregnant at 24 after ntnp (due in 3 weeks).

My first child didn't ruin my career, I still finished uni and went back to do a pgde, securing a permanent job. I'd say I achieved that because of my DS.
It did however ruin my social life. While all of my friends were out partying, drinking and going travelling I was at home with the baby. It had its good and bad points but I wouldn't change it for the world.

With my second OH and I decided to ntnp based on issues I had with my periods. We actually thought it would be a long time ttc. I always wanted another sooner rather than later because of the growing age gap between DS and future children. As I had my career and knew the struggles of raising a child while trying to establish myself it has been okay. I'm now at a stage where I can attend baby groups without other mothers thinking I'm bringing my younger sibling.

So no, having children young won't ruin your life.

However, it is tiring, it is difficult, it can affect relationships and careers, it can put plans on hold such as holidays/events/travelling etc.
That happens at any age.

You should not feel forced in to having a child now because your dh has some arbitrary 2 year limit for himself. Whether he waits 2 years or 5 years he will still have the same issues to deal with in terms of parenting.
Your dh should also be appreciative of your mh struggles and realise that now is not a time to even consider ttc.

What is ntnp?

Not trying and not preventing (used on another forum basically).

I had irregular periods , anywhere from 2-3 a year to almost normal once a month (30 day cycle, 60 day cycle etc) so never tracked ovulation and never had sex at a specific point to try to become pregnant. This would be my definition of actively trying.

However I stopped using contraception so we weren't preventing anything from happening, if it should.

That should read "used on another forum sorry".

I love my son to bits, but the amount of times since he was born I've seen something I'd have loved to do and not been able to because of him needing me... It's tiring, frustrating, repetitive, but and you will miss your child free life.
At the same time, his little face is so smushy and cute, he makes me proud everyday and his laugh is the best thing ever. I'd never thought anyone else's kids were adorable before.

If you don't think you'd regret not having them, don't. Otherwise, have one really awesome year, then TTC!

The lack of spontaneity gets me too muffin.
I remember after DS was born and everyone was graduating I sat there listening to their plans - travelling Australa/Asia, volunteering to work abroad etc - while I'm sitting thinking "okay, who's doing nursery pick up today".
Or one time I was out shopping with two friends and DS. They were thinking about going on holiday and talking through some things, I joined in offering opinions and advice. Next minute we saw an ad in the travel agent window for a flight and hotel, self catering, leaving the next day for £99 for a week (obviously to fill last minute spaces). They had to book then and there, they were very understanding and asked if I'd be okay with them doing it. Obviously I wouldn't stop them but it did remind me that I didn't have that choice anymore. My big decision that week was the farm park or play park on the next sunny day.