To ask if anybody is still good friends with pre baby friends who showed little interest in kids

[Beadoren]

Just deleted what I wrote as I don't want to put myself.

In cases when you are the first/as yet only member of a friendship group to have kids (others don't have kids on their radar at all yet) there's a certain degree of alienation that happens.

I try to make as much effort to come to things as I can but obviously it's tricky to do nights out with hotels, spa days etc with a young family.

Their interest in my DC has also dwindled over the years and I find it a bit hurtful but st the end of the day they are the ones missing out.

I've suggested daytime things so that I can see them with the kids but they don't seem keen on the idea.

Obviously I do see it from their point of view, they have no obligation to be in my DC life and it just seems like we have lost a lot of common ground and there's resentments on both sides.

Is that it then? I know it's a fairly common theme for friends to lose interest but have people managed to maintain these friendships?

Ginliness no I don't.

And I don't think my posts were clear. my friendship group is made up mainly of mothers these days. But I struggled when younger and the friends at the time were having their children (because most of them thought they were the first ever to do that!).

I take an interest in my friends' children as much as possible and I like them as individuals. But back in the day, it was hard to show an interest in the most important thing in my friends' lives - babies are a total mystery to me and I haven't even held one.

and actually I agree about true friendships - but a one sided friendship where one side has to always make concessions to the other isn't a true friendship

Luckily I have the most wonderful people in my life now and all bar one have children.

So if you were insulted by what I said, I'm sorry, but I was talking about a group of people that I knew, not about you.

I don't 'still' not have kids. I just don't have them - I don't want to be a mother.

And if you cultivate friendships etc then why would you be insulted by my description of a specific type of mother (note not every mother, not even most, just the oneslike the OP who think that their friends are missing out by not being involved with their cool little people

So many more useful responses now! I wonder why that is, there seem to be those that love to pop along throwing biscuits and throwing around accusations of entitlement because the op has worded things clumsily.

Anyway, ovaries this is very similar to what happened with my 1st, my friends were all honourary aunties, came to birthday parties, we'd have picnics with my Dc1, they would come and meet me at the park etc. This has dwindled a lot, and since dc2 came along. I used to get a lot of little remarks like "oh my god I still can't believe you're a mum" and everything I said about my life was sort of scoffed at ie. "I can't believe you're on the pta what have you become", "what the fuck is weaning" etc. I just ended up feeling even more alienated and different so I talked much less about my stuff and more about theirs, I've always been really conscious of being that parent ramming photos of my dcs down my friend's threat.

Throat even*

DS1 is 11 so it's been a long time since I was childless, but still have friends from Uni and school who don't have DCs. We don't see one another every week but we're still close, we still go out, we still make time.

I like everyone's DCs but fully accept that I'm also really selfish and love going out with friends without them. DH and I have always maintained our own lives and hobbies away from the DCs as well as being parents. We're lucky; we have family who babysit often, we have 'new' friends who are also parents so our DCs are growing up together, but we also make sure we take time out with our childless friends when we can because being a parent isn't the only thing that defines us.

Most people can appreciate their friends' interests but some people only count their own as important. It's give and take, like all good friendships

That's a shame bea. We're moving away from them all at the moment :( so hopefully when DC2 comes along the distance will be enough that they don't feel the conversations are too one-sided.

I've tried to be really conscious about not taking over the conversations, mainly because I had no interest in kids until DD was born so I understand how boring it would be

I genuinely do find it difficult though because while I do have hobbies etc and a relationship, When we're together the girls normally about their jobs etc and I have zero to contribute in that conversation other than listening and showing interest (as I genuinely am really interested in their lives, as they are all doing really cool things and Traveling and I genuinely love hearing about it, the exciting new guys they are seeing etc.). I'm a sahm so while being a parent doesn't define me, it's a very very big portion of my life at the moment and o feel really self conscious about boring them, so often I end up feeling like I don't have anything interesting to say at all.

:( that sounds really tough. I think there's a line between people being sick of hearing about kids constantly, and shooting you down with the nasty comments you mentioned in your earlier post. That sounds like a very one-sided friendship, you're giving all the attention and interest but getting nothing back. Do they not see that your DC are a big part of your life like travelling and work are a big part of theirs? :(

If you are a SAHM then your lives have gone in vastly different directions. I think it takes someone having a baby to test the value of the friendship. You want to do child friendly things, they obviously don't.

Until I joined MN, I thought SAHM did bugger all. i was obviously wrong.

And people's work woes are boring too.

But if they think you are reluctant to meet up without your DC, and they can't relate to having children, then it is perhaps time for all of you to go your separate ways.

Yes but I think it's just a case of me being the odd one out. I love spending time with them as it reminds me of life before kids and me aside from being a mum. But I feel like when I'm with them I have to play down the mum aspect. I genuinely feel like I'm trying to remain involved but practically and because of the lack of stuff in common I just feel so on the outs, and I don't know whether to be annoyed or hurt or just take it as a consequence of being the only one with kids at this point.

It really does depend on the people involved and it definitely takes two to keep a friendship going.
I can see this from both sides. I had my daughter years before friends had children.Now i am dealing with secondary school stuff and most of them have babies. Also one of them has no children. Somehow we have all stayed really good friends. I tend to have different groups of friends. Friends that i met through standing at the school gate, friends from school days who have taken a different path to me etc, and these friendships are nothing like each other but both as important to me. If deep down you want to stay friends you will. The only people i struggle with are people that don't cope with people who make different choices in life to them and try to justify every decision theve ever made. Hopefully your friendships will stand the test of time.

Try not to waste time on being hurt or upset - walk away. If the friendship has got to that point then nobody loses out.

I know your comment about them losing out was just an aside but people picked up on it because it's not really true. A friendship that can't survive a change in circumstances isn't one that is going to last forever anyway.

op can you meet other people in your situation? Then you may not feel as on the outside as you do. Having different groups of friends is a positive thing.

LiviaDrusilla I did say I ought not to be insulted by a strangers sound bite. Ultimately, I'm not I just felt as I said a little sad.
You have, of course, every right to lament the direction of travel of some of your most important friendships and discuss your own experiences of people you know (I wouldn't seek to diminish that) as well as treasure the ones that stand the test of time...and children. I also have the right to counterbalance that which I did. Two of my four closest friends I have known for over twenty years and they never have nor will have children. They really are like another two sisters to me.

Personally I think you -amongst others -are being a bit harsh with the OP. Don't think she meant it quite the way it came across. But it's been jumped on of course.

Each to their own. I will agree to agree with you on your observations about it being important to give and take and not only count your own interests as important, over the long term.

Augusta I think you may be right. There was actually a bit of an argument the other week because one of my friends told me that I don't make enough effort and that I could easily sort out money childcare for nights out as I know in advance etc. And that she knows what it's like and that it's not that hard because she knows people who have kids and manage to still be involved with their friends and that it was my choice to have kids. i was really hurt because I genuinely do try but it is extremely difficult for me due to my family circumstances/ongoing issues with DC etc. (I appreciate this is drip feeding)

With one friend I managed too. She is still childless by choice. We had a few rocky years but now I'd say things are good again. Mi w are now beyond the little kid stage do they can chat to her and we can do things that would be more fun for all of us. But mostly I see her in the evening.

Oh I don't lament the ones that faded away- it was me that initiated the split.

If you read my later posts, I have been a little more balanced to the op.

why would you be slightly saddened by my comments about people who haven't behaved the way you have? You sound like you have balanced the friendships very well.

OP , I like kids , I have kids , I even work with them. I do think other people's kids are not very interesting though! I also don't expect others to be too bothered about mine.

If you want to make friendships based around your DCs then why not attend groups or make friends with school mums etc? Why would your relationships that pre-date having kids have to revolve around your DC?

I think there's alot of give and take when you've got kids and your friends don't.
My three closest and best friends don't have kids, two of them I've been friends with for many years before I had DS, one of them I met when DS was over a year old. I try to make time to see them when I haven't got DS (so when he's at nursery) or I'll try to arrange someone to babysit (I'm a single mum) so I can go out and see them either for a coffee or for a drink without him. If I really can't get childcare or free our hours don't match up, they're always welcome to my house after DS has gone to bed.

They understand that DS is my number 1 priority, but I also make sure I give them time with just me as me, not me as mum. It sounds a bit like you need to try a bit harder to find time for them where you haven't got the kids or the kids are asleep.