To ask if anybody is still good friends with pre baby friends who showed little interest in kids

[Beadoren]

Just deleted what I wrote as I don't want to put myself.

In cases when you are the first/as yet only member of a friendship group to have kids (others don't have kids on their radar at all yet) there's a certain degree of alienation that happens.

I try to make as much effort to come to things as I can but obviously it's tricky to do nights out with hotels, spa days etc with a young family.

Their interest in my DC has also dwindled over the years and I find it a bit hurtful but st the end of the day they are the ones missing out.

I've suggested daytime things so that I can see them with the kids but they don't seem keen on the idea.

Obviously I do see it from their point of view, they have no obligation to be in my DC life and it just seems like we have lost a lot of common ground and there's resentments on both sides.

Is that it then? I know it's a fairly common theme for friends to lose interest but have people managed to maintain these friendships?

I do actually try to spend time with them child free when I can. I do miss my pre-dc social life sometimes quite a lot actually.

Me too Orange
They don't have to justify a night out on the gin and always have some nice new dry clean clothes I can borrow

Their interest in my DC has also dwindled over the years and I find it a bit hurtful but st the end of the day they are the ones missing out.

Oh wow .... if someone doesn't show a constant interest in your child, it might possibly be because they're living their life.

user

I think that's a bit of a dim view on children?

Really getting tired of repeating myself over and over again that I do not feel entitled for them to be part of my kids life

My best friend and I are still very close despite her first baby being born 14 years after mine and 6 years after my youngest. Also we live far apart. It's always about making the effort and a little bit of luck that you still share values. We are well off and she is very poor but that has also never come between us. We have been friends for nearly 50 years!

So what people are suggesting Beadoren is that you find a way to include them on child free things. I.e. Invite over after bedtime, stay in touch when not in person, ask after them and talk about things you used to talk about.

Not all friendships last, and it does take two. So if you find that your suggestions are indeed falling on uninterested ears, then maybe seek out some new pals?

3 of my best friends have children of varying ages. I don't (yet but am due next month )and it has been no hardship at all seeing them at a time and place that suits them for childcare, and a pleasure getting to meet and know their DCs.

I do wonder how my baby will affect my relationship with my other good friend though who doesn't have a child. She's a lovely person but I worry that she will expect me not to change when I have a baby but of course I must change, as everyone does. Will she be there for me when I am dull and exhausting as a PP put it? I hope so.

I had a friend who always wanted to meet during the daytime with her kids. I worked full time, and only got the statutory minimum of annual leave. So no I wasn't keen on using a precious day off to spend an hour or two with her.

This is classic AIBU pedanticism

Pedantry (just to be pedantic).

Indeed this could be a very frustrating, possibly isolating experience. But your priorities have changed and your past times of carefree socialising with this circle of friends has hit an obstacle that hasn't been a common lifestyle choice within your circle of friends.
Having experienced being childless in a group of friends who one by one had kids, I was incredibly surprised at the ignorance towards me and the expectations in order to maintain friendships.
I made allowances and arrangements to maintain friendships with them. Sometimes I'd use my flexi time at work to join them for lunch, Travel distances to see them because one kid was teething/sleeping etc etc. Soon I realised that my kindness was being taken advantage of. I realised it was me making all the efforts, them making me feel guilty if I couldn't make a date. Because I had been understanding for too long it was taken for granted. Realised this when I tried to arrange a birthday get together. In came the requests one after another about changing the time, changing the day, let me host it at my place every one can bring the kids. blah bah. Ended up I didn't even receive so much as a birthday card! Any way I sound like I'm ranting but the point Im getting at is that having kids is a lifestyle choice. Not an obligation. Your friends do not have an obligation to work their lives round your kids. A lot of parents in this situation seem to think that childless people do not have priorities or commitments. I often received undermining comments if I chose to have a relaxing night in after a hard week (how can you be tired?You only go to work and sleep when you want)
Though I empathise to a degree, I feel that maybe there isn't so much understanding from you to your friends.

the fact that they would rather not see me than have to put up with my kids for an hour makes me feel crap
What exactly is it that gives you this impression? Maybe they are genuinely busy when you ask them to meet up or invite them over? you have, right?
As has been mentioned. They don't have any obligation to your kids.
I'm not annoyed about it, it just makes me sad that they were all over them for a few years, 'loved them' called themselves auntie x etc and now my kids feel a bit like a niusence to them.
Things change even in a short time. Have they more responsibility in their jobs? maybe met partners they need to find time for? Moved house/something changed financially shifting priorities? A Whole host of reasons could apply. Again I reiterate my point that it comes across as somewhat ignorant to assume your kids are the sole reason you're losing closeness. Yes, it changed your lifestyle but it doesn't give reason to expect your friends to cast aside their commitments to fit you in.
Believe me, it can get lonely at the other side aswell. As much as I still keep reasonable contact, have grown up, have more responsibilities now, the day I put my foot down and took stock of the fact my kindness was being abused was probably the best decision I made following the crap social life due to making allowances for other peoples kids.
I'm sure it is hard to accept the loss here but friendships sometimes need a common ground and when that falters people come and go. Maybe you could find a mothers group or since summer is coming head to the local park there are always parents hanging about. Meet other parents at kids clubs etc. If you're feeling a little dispirited perhaps it will lift you into a more contented mind.

floreasy

Pedantry is a synonym of pedanticism which is a perfectly legitimate word.

Thanks for the useful advice from those of you who offered it. It's helped me see it from their point of view a bit more (even if that is a bit unflattering and uncomfortable that I'm a bit boring now I'm a mum and my kids are irritating/distractions). I think potentially it isn't just the kid thing. I do have lots of mum friends but q a lot of them are q a bit older than me. I'm a sahm and sometimes it's nice to be around people my own age and hear what amazing things they are achieving in. I'm really proud of them all and they're all so interesting, I just feel like my life is also interesting just at this point raising my kids and watching them need milestones is the "achievements". I'm glad to hear from people who said they got closer when their kids got older

Sorry I posted an essay.

Just a small additional point. Have you considered that maybe your friends might worry they are losing your friendship too? Compromise definitely has to work both ways to meet up etc.
As an example. If you wanted to meet with your friends of a lunch time during the week for some adult conversation, don't expect them to use holidays or flexitime from their full time job if you have to take the DC's. If they say they'll try get the time off and you've said it'll be child free don't assume they've cancelled because you're gonna have to take them.

OP, please don't think you're seen as not interesting. My personal feeling is that it's YOU I'm interested in, and while your kids are achieving milestones and I'm happy for you and them, that doesn't mean I want to do kid friendly activities- I would want to see YOU.

I had DD at 19 in the middle of university so babies were waaaaay off the radar for all my friends. They were fantastic through the pregnancy, protected me and defended me from judgment and then when DD was born they became almost a surrogate family. DD has around 30 honorary aunts and uncles our friendships are stronger than ever at a time when I was sure we'd end up friendless.

They love DD and most are already putting their name forward as godparents to eventual DC2

But it's also nice to be able to spend time with them and still be a 22-year-old rather than being in mummy mode. It's refreshing, I'm not sure how I'd cope if my only friends were mummy friends.

Plus most people I knew who had babies were remotely interested in anyone else afterward. So in my case, yes I would rather walk away then have to spend all meet ups with children.

Surely you were aware that not everyone finds children amazing and wants to spend time with them though? You sound surprised that people think that way

If a friendship has both parties putting equal effort in, it's more like to survive. Otherwise it's a constant stream of 'oh look how cute little Jimmy is' 'have 100 pics of little Jimmy' 'how hilarious that little Jimmy has just thrown up' not to mention 'you don't know what life/tiredness/love etc etc is until you have children'.

Some people are capable of understanding that they are a person in their own right and not just a parent, sadly others don't

I'm the friend of an older first time mum, my kids are grown up. I'm fed up of her talking about feeding,sleeping & nappies. It's like she's lost all of her personality & social skills. All of our meet ups revolve around the baby. It's boring. We've only been friends a few years, so I've decided to walk away. DH thinks I'm being very harsh but I just can't be arsed with it.

Nice

I'm a mother and I still don't particularly like meeting up with friends when their children will be with them. Fine when they're very young or old enough that they have absolutely no interest in being anywhere near us, but otherwise I find it fairly pointless as it severely limits discussion. When I catch up with friends I want to be able to talk openly. If there's, say, a 5yr old and a 7yr old across the table from me, then instead of a fun or deep conversation it's going to be an annoying hour or two of child-friendly small-talk. It's not the same as catching up with a friend alone. It changes the tone massively, often to the point where it's like talking to a totally different person and not the friend you know.

The vast majority of my friends didn't have children, and it was never an issue. They're my friends, not my children's friends.

I have a few friends who have no interest in my 2 young dc. Sometimes it hurts I'll be honest - for example there have been a lot of concerns about dd1 and she may have autism. This is something that affects me a lot and yes, it's hurtful that my friends would rather talk about their nights out or office gossip. By and large I value their friendship and am very interested in their lives. Oh and one has a niece who she dotes on, so we talk about her a lot. But my dc ... not so much.

God, I have absolutely zero interest in my friend's children and I say that as a mother of two.

I'll chat to them of course and there are a couple who I think are lovely and I'm happy to provide childcare if they're struggling sometimes but I don't go out of my way to spend time with them. I'd rather meet up when we're child free.

However, I love love love babies and funny little toddlers as long as they're not having a tantrum. I'll cuddle someone's baby for hours but once they hit school age? Meh.

LiviaDrusilla do you have children?

Your posts here made me feel a bit sad really, as I feel you are doing a lot of mothers a great disservice with some of the expressions /statements you have made about them. We are still women and sentient beings at the end of the day. It's insulting to me, if I'm honest even though I shouldn't take a strangers sound bite personally.

I don't bombard my childless friends, or indeed my friends with children with pictures of my kids and talk incessantly about them. They crop up in conversation, of course, but I like to think I am capable of discussion other matters and inhabiting alternative universe to motherhood every now and then. In fact I really enjoy it.

Everyone knows that having a baby is overwhelming, especially at the beginning, but I for one continue to cultivate and treasure my friendships in the aftermath of becoming a mother and still do. Equally my friends who had children, or did not or still do not have children understood that the first few months were a massive learning curve, and gave me a little bit of time to adjust without feeling sidelined or uncared for. A true friendship adapts and shifts to whatever is thrown at people's collective lives and children or lack of are just one of those things.

Absolutely. My best friend knew me before I married, she has always been notmarried (and is now singleoutright) and no kids.
34 years and counting. Love her.

I wish I saw my child free friends more often. But I'm a hypocrite cos I have a friend with a "wilfull" 3 year old and I try to only see her without kids!

Other peoples children are boring and annoying. I can tolerate mine as I love them, but I can't stand anyone else's. Youe CF friends are probably just sick of your kids. Sorry.