To not want DH to travel?

[M2R2]

I am 34 weeks pregnant. DH uncle is very sick, cancer terminal stage. He grew up with his cousins in the same house. He is planning to go and see him in couple of weeks. He will be away for a week or 2.
I feel that he shouldn't be leaving us while am at this stage, i have a 19month old dd and no family around.
I didn't tell him that I don't want him to go. But i feel that i will be heartbroken if he did.
Am I being unreasonable????

It's not an ideal situation, but death rarely happens when it's convenient. It's a tough situation all round

Child birth, is all on you anyway. Your the one that has to actually delivers the baby all your dh can do is hold your hand. So go ahead with getting a visa for your Mum if you can't look at asking a friend or even finding a doula and your still have someone to hold your hand.

Your dh grew up with these cousins in the same house? So they lived as siblings then so I can completely understand why he wants to go with them.

You are not unreasonable to feel however you want but you would be unreasonable to ask him not to go to his dying family member

@StatisticallyChallenged - I went for the minimum time because my cousins are bastards. If they were better human beings I'd have spent more time with them. OP being pregnant is neither here nor there. This is her third child, she can clearly afford childcare/doulla options, but she wants her dh to put aside his grief to 'be there for her'. That's not the way any relationship should work.

Bit harsh Artemesia...

I think when you choose to have children then being there to support their mother through their birth is exactly how it should work.

Trying to pop over to say goodbye is one thing, delaying the trip and planning to stay for two weeks is another entirely.

I think YABU. Poor guy. And don´t make him take the toddler too. He´s going to visit a dying relative who means a to to him, not on a jolly holiday. I think you come across as lacking in empathy. Try to think a bit more about your DH´s needs, not just yourself.

Wow some harsh responses on here!

Tough dilemma op - I don't envy you. I feed bad for your husbands uncle who is dying but I am also aware you seem nervous and want your husband here with you in case you give birth. If he's making it out that this reunion is just a jolly for him and his cousins then yanbu.

I would tell him to go NOW, as many op have said - a terminally ill patient waits for no one (I should know - my grandfather who was very ill died and I stupidly thought I had time) He (your DH) risks his uncle dying without having said goodbye. If he is delaying to 'wait' for his cousin so they can go together - no way. This isn't some holiday.

Personally I would ask him to go now - seeing as how important this uncle is to him. His cousins being there is beside the point. Good luck

OP you're being quite selfish in your attitude towards your DH. I can understand you might not want to be on your own at the moment, but this is an exceptional situation that trumps your desire.

Some of you have been so hard on me.
First to the comment that i can clearly afford a doula or babysitting you are so wrong. If i want to think financially we can't even afford the tkt for his travel. But obviously i am not thinking about that when someone is dying .
I don't even know how much having a doula cost thats why i said i need to check it out as a last solution. I would've been so supportive if he said he was going now and for few days. But the more he organise it as a gathering more than paying respects started to irritate me. I know i said sending dd2 with him but then I thought of the flight and the atmosphere there that for sure will not work out at all, it was a desperate thought.
I wouldn't even dream of telling him not to go no matter how i feel. But it hurt to see him not thinking the later he leave it the more likely he is leaving me at risk of being at childbirth on my own.
He normally so supportive and understanding but i think he doesn't realise that i am that close to give birth.
When i asked him about the date of the travel i wanted to mention that now is a lot better than in few weeks but i felt that he didn't want to talk about it and he cut me saying he is waiting for cousin X to book together as if he is going he might as well see the cousin.

Statisticallychallenged exactly my point.
Maybe in the op I sounded like I don't want him to go at all. Its not the case. But seeing that everyone else is trying to go at the time that suits their life (family, work) but he doesn't want to discuss the options.

So go to your mother - if that means taking your 9 year old as her father is away seeing someone it sounds was like a father to him, so be it: he could arrange his flights so he comes back via where your mother is, and collect his DD so she could go back to school even.

I just googled doula and they said cost between £600 and £2000. I wouldn't dream of paying that

YANBU

His uncle is so poorly that he no longer recognises people. He is going to meet up with family - and that's lovely - but his priority should be you, his 2 DD and the baby due is 3 weeks time.

We can't help the dead, the living come first. You are going to be in a dreadful situation if you labour whilst he is away & honestly I'd be really tired with a 9yo, a 19m old & a full term pregnancy.

There are obviously some wonder women on this thread OP but don't feel you have to be one.

Agatha thank you me too started to think of some supper powers going on.
Unfortunately i am so week when in pain. Although baby is due in 6 weeks not 3.
Next week is supposed to be my last week at work as to have a bit of rest before baby is here. Its been a hard pregnancy so far and a toddler hanging to my leg all the time is not easy.
Again I won't be able to say to him he can't go. But I really wish deep inside that he will realise the situation he is putting me in.
I don't think any of his family will blame him if he didn't and i can pretty much see the face of my MIL if he did.
Unfortunately going to my mum is no longer an option now. As i will have to go now which mean dd1 will probably miss more than 3/4 weeks of school even if he picked her up on his way back. They will never allow such an absence.

Weak sorry

It does sound like he's going for the gathering rather than his uncle (who won't recognise him anyway) - he needs to be there for you and his DC. How many weeks were you when you gave birth the last two times?

YANBU, he could go now if he was really desperate to go.

I was 41 in first and 39 in second.
I wish he go now and come back before i am 37. I know its more likely i will be closer to due date when i give birth but the idea that it might happen when i am on my own is not easy.

I think he should go but take your toddler with him. As long as there are no major communicable diseases there that baby can't be protected against. A child that young will not be bothered by a sad atmosphere and it sounds like there will be plenty of people to help him out with him or her.

I can totally understand where you're coming from. Call me a twat if you all want to but I felt horribly fearful and vulnerable in late pregnancy, I was worried about my husband being at work an hours train ride away! This would have totally done my head in. If he's going to go it needs to be immediately and not for very long. Essentially it's to see his dying uncle, not have a jolly with his cousins. It's bad timing for him but he shouldn't miss the birth of your child. I'm sure his uncle and cousins would understand that.

Yep. His first duty is to his wife and children, not his cousins. As you say he is normally kind and supportive I think you have to lay it all out there and tell him how you feel. He's the one being selfish at the moment!

OP, I'm assuming you're not British and English is not your first language.
Forgive me if I'm wrong in my assumption. If I'm right then 'heartbroken' may be a language thing and I don't think you meant you will be heartbroken in the sense that your DH has cheated on you, or walked out on you. I think posters have given you a hard time unnecessarily for your choice of words.
TBH I think your DH is being quite selfish.
for you OP.

I somewhat disagree with the majority on this thread. I would probably not be OK with my DH going on a week long family reunion an 18hr+ flight away after my 36th week. Even if it was ostensibly because of a family member being very sick, unless he had been very close to the family member. And if he had known the relative had terminal cancer for sometime I would be really annoyed, possibly quite angry, at him for waiting until that point.

This does sound like a practical problem to me. You really need backup in case you get ill or are in labour - someone to help out, or someone who can take your older child if need be. Can you pay a child minder to help out while he is away, just as a one-off, or could one of the cousins come to you to help you while your dh goes away?

You're getting a lot of flack from people here, but I know my dh would not leave me in this situation. I think that it's worth following your instinct and talking to your dh about what backup can be put in place.

Alternatively can you go with him?

The time to see his uncle was when he was first diagnosed. Not now he cannot recognise anyone. He is scheduling this trip to meet up with family even though when he is away you will be about to give birth. This is wrong. He can go another time, or perhaps you could all go. I can't help thinking that if he books this flight and goes, he will actually most likely be going for the funeral.

Ok i am now changing my mind if he really wants
to go to see his uncle he should go asap. Sounds like he is keen on the family gathering. Poor timing, sadly.

Why on earth would he take the toddler with him?! I cannot believe people are suggesting this!

Yes, pregnancy is knackering- I have done it three times and suffered horrendously with SPD, chronic migraines and other pregnancy delights, but I could- and did-
manage my toddler and my baby when my husband was away with work.

He is going to say goodbye to a terminally ill relative, not for a holiday! he needs space to grieve.

OP, if you really feel you can't manage your toddler on your own for a few weeks ask your mother to stay, but please don't stop your husband going or make him feel guilty for going. I. sure he feels conflicted enough.

Be a supportive wife and need him off believing you are fine and give him one less thing to worry about. You'll be fine, you really will. Keep the toddler in nursery if you can't manage them at home, then it's only evenings you need to worry about.