To not want DH to travel?

[M2R2]

I am 34 weeks pregnant. DH uncle is very sick, cancer terminal stage. He grew up with his cousins in the same house. He is planning to go and see him in couple of weeks. He will be away for a week or 2.
I feel that he shouldn't be leaving us while am at this stage, i have a 19month old dd and no family around.
I didn't tell him that I don't want him to go. But i feel that i will be heartbroken if he did.
Am I being unreasonable????

It probably feels terrible for your husband. Not only is he about to lose a close family member, he also risks missing the birth of his child. I think you need to give some thought to how torn he must be feeling.

OP, think, for more than one second, about how much sympathy you have for your DH's needs.

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable - is this about visiting his dying uncle or a cousins get together?

Generally for visiting terminally ill relatives, it's advisable to go ASAP as you don't know what they will be like if you leave it.

So, given the imminent birth of yours and his child, and the visit is supposed to be about his uncle, why can he not go sooner?

I think he should go. I think you'd be unreasonable to 'tell' him he can't go. And if him going to see his dying uncle and reunite with his family makes you feel "heartbroken" then there's something clearly amiss with your perspective on life.

I can understand you being anxious about early labour with no family nearby but you really need to make this work somehow.

Hopefully your mum will be able to come but also talk your worries through with the friend again - talking through possible emergencies and having a few plans in place for emergencies will help you worry less about it.

I totally understand why you don't want him to go but I think in the circumstances you need to.
Was your first baby early, late or on time?
In your shoes, while anxious, I'd be putting a plan B together in case I went into labour while he's away. I know you don't have family but do you have a close friend? Could a family member come and stay given the circumstances?
Speak to your midwife. She'll be able to advise on any support there may be from her and the community mw team.
It's a rock and a hard place, but it's more likely he will be there and back before the baby arrives.

I really don't know the exact time of his supposed travel as i am trying not to ask about it.
When he was talking to his cousin i felt that he is going for the gathering more than his uncle and i guess that what upset me as bot the time at all.
Although they live all around the world, thats why them all getting in one place is close to impossible, thats why i still understand why he want to go.
I was thinking of going back home to have the baby there as no family here. But the idea of not having dh with me as dd1 will be at school stopped me from that. Now i feel not only he may not be here i am on my own.
I will be asking today about the dates he have in mind. Maybe i can ask him to take the toddler with him? Is that unreasonable too?

If it is about seeing his uncle surely sooner is better? When his uncle died will he be going again? Usually I would always say a terminal uncle is much more important but this doesn't sound like it????

If he make it before he won't go after the uncle die. The original plan was to go when the uncle die to pay respects. We have been expecting a phone call for about a month now. But i think with everyone else going at the time they were discussing he felt him being there as well will be good.
I am worried and can't ask much more from my friend as she have 3 kids as well to look after. So having my kids is a huge favour i will be asking.

I understand why he is going. Although his uncle now doesn't recognise anyone anymore.
But his dad will be there as well and all the extend family and he sure want to be there to support and show respect.
I know if it was me he wouldn't even think twice about it and he will support me in going. Both my experience in labour was awful i had anxiety and was panicking while pregnant with dd2. I feel stronger this time but he is my rock.

So you will be 36-37 weeks pregnant when he goes? I think he needs to go, but limit the stay to one week.

YABH(ormonal) to be heartbroken about it.

I would say that the timing is simply unfortunate, OP. Your DH and his family want to come together due to a dying relative. Even though there will obviously be a social aspect to it, they wouldn't be doing it if the circumstances were different.

I can understand why you are unhappy about him going, especially as it is such a long flight , but I really can't see any option and think you will just have to swallow it, unfortunately. If you stand in the way then he and his family could resent you for it.

When I was expecting DD3, now 14, my DH's Dad was in the very advanced stages of a terminal illness by the time I reached your stage of pregnancy. We couldn't predict what would happen, so just had to rally the troops and have as much support as possible in place just in case he couldn't be with us. We don't have family living locally either, though they are in the same country, so easier than it is for you.

As it happened, DD3 decided to arrive 5 weeks early, and whilst not ideal, it did allow DH to be here in support.

I did have to face the possibility though that I could have ended up on my own, especially as my sister was also pregnant at the time and we were even had the Sam due date!!

It is hard. Get as much support together as you can, and hopefully DH is back well before you go into labour.

same due date! I don't know who Sam is or how he got in there.

If you can sort a visa for your mum do that, if not get you and the toddler to her whilst you can still fly..
If not that he takes the toddler then your friend is just supporting you!
Or how about getting a doula to help you over the birth period.. Friends that have used them have found very supportive....

Averythinline I can't travel also have a 9yrs old who would be missing lots of school if i do. Original plan was dh staying with her here while me and toddler go.
Was just asking him about the date and he kind of cut me saying he is still sure as waiting his cousin to confirm the date so they can travel together. I think the cousin will have to stop in the same airport as him so the second flight they will catch together.
I also ask how long he will be there and he said not sure.
Now i am getting angry as it feels that the cousin is waiting for a time that suits him but dh is following without thinking of us.

I did think of a doula but have to ask about it more. I need to make a plan.

You already know you're being selfish otherwise you wouldn't have asked.

Mrsberley starting to think that i am not. As he seams not willing to travel earlier and not really thinking that waiting for his cousins will mean that he may more likely miss the birth of his child and leaving me to manage childbirth and 2 children on my own.

I'm going to against the grain here and say yanbu. It's difficult being thousands of miles from your family, especially at times like this, but sometimes the reality of life means that you can't be there when you want to be.

I think if he was going right now, for a week max, that might be ok. But he's basically delaying going for social reasons - so he can meet up with his cousins. He's now refusing to tell you how long, most likely because he's going to go for the full two weeks.

That means that you're likely to be full term by the time he comes back and you may have to go through birth alone. No, I wouldn't say yabu to object to that at all.

His uncle is already not going to be aware so this really is more about meeting up with his family, and imo his heavily pregnant wife and existing children should trump that.

So he is planning to go when you are 36 weeks and possibly not return until you are 38+ weeks?

I understand him wanting to say goodbyes but I think he is bu to want to delay the trip until he can have a better time and leave you so near to the birth.

Could he not compromise by going sooner ad overlapping with his cousins by a couple of days so he is back by 37 weeks?

I thought he was going immediately, not hanging on to go with the others, sorry. Two weeks sounds more like a holiday than rushing to a dying relative. He really needs to go sooner than later as he might die abruptly.
Yanbu to get exact dates and ask him to go sooner.

You can't expect him to take a toddler on such a long flight on his own and possibly to a funeral. He's going to see his uncle for the last time and support other family members.
He needs to go ASAP so he can hopefully be back for the birth of his child.
You need to put in place support for you in case he isn't.

The aunt who raised me died recently and unexpectedly and I felt bereft. I cancelled everything - interviews (the prospective employer wouldn't reschedule), work commitments, personal commitments to make it to the funeral. I went on a 15 hr flight, stayed the night, then flew straight back. Tbh I would have really resented my dh if he'd tried to make me choose. I understand that you're pregnant but if he raised him this isn't like the usual loss of a distant uncle - am positive your dh feels like he's lost a father.

Think logically..you will be managing childbirth on your own anyway unless they've invented something rather special in.the 14 yrs since I last did it.
The more you post, the more it becomes clear you don't think.UABU at all.
Well, you are. Absolutely. And whiney. And like you deserve special treatment because you're having a baby.

Uppity you went for the minimum time possible and didn't leave your partner to possibly give birth alone.its not comparable