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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say I won't consider move abroad?

38 replies

FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 08:04

When my DP (breadwinner) wants to uproot us for work, again?

This is long winded, but please bear with me.

My DP works in a niche profession, not a lot of opportunities in the U.K. For e.g. He's a specific type of "engineer" (not really), but he is still broadly an engineer, and has skills within his role that could be applied to less prestigious/rewarding jobs. There are opportunities abroad for him, and this was always at the back of our minds.

I relocated from another part of the country to live with him 5 years ago in his current role.

There were no jobs for me, really in this area of the country. So in that time I've re-trained, job hopped and temporarily relocated (Mon-Fri) two times in order to get back up to a decent level of employment. This was tough, during this time I made a point that it might be a good time for him to try working abroad and I would follow, if he were to want that. We stayed.

We've eventually settled, love the area and the house. Took us over 18m to find the 'right' place with a long term view. I have made actual friends for the first time in 5yrs! Also we now have first mortgage, a pet, talks about starting a family within 2yrs, and to complicate further my mums decided to relocate nearer imminently (good thing).

He's now decided the time is right (for him) to move on, as there's no progression where he is. So that's us both moving abroad. Despite me explaining, he can't seem to grasp why I'm not interested in this now when I was pretty excited by the idea a few years ago.

AIBU to not support his career progression?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 22/04/2017 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/04/2017 08:12

Yanbu. But you need to discuss if you are ever open to moving around if if that lifestyle is not for you. If not now, he may want to in a couple more years.

user1471517900 · 22/04/2017 08:12

Presumably he reckons there will be extra money and a chance of a better life in new location. So this is really something that we cannot answer. Your arguments for staying look good here, listen to his for moving and discuss the best plan between you.

YANBU for wanting stability and to stay somewhere you like, he's not being unreasonable to want to move and progress career for himself and family.

Original poster
FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 08:13

It hasn't solely been about him. I did relocate with the purpose of higher education, which I wanted to do. But, basically I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.

I do worry though, what if we're to lose his job? Then we'd be screwed. So maybe I should be more open to change and less stubborn

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 22/04/2017 08:13

And I wouldn't encourage your mum to move closer if you're likely to move in future.

It doesn't sound like he wants to be there forever so it may be a question of when, not whether, to move.

SleepFreeZone · 22/04/2017 08:14

YANBU. It sounds as though he could just upsticks and go by himself though if the only ties so far are the mortgage and a pet. Are you prepared to possibly split over it?

Original poster
FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 08:16

I have been very open with my mum about his happening in the future. So she's aware of the idea. I just didn't think the topic would seriously come up before she's even moved down.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/04/2017 08:17

Sounds like you've sacrificed enough. Yanbu.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/04/2017 08:19

If not now, would he want to move in a few years when you potentially have dc?

I can totally understand you not wanting to move.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/04/2017 08:25

Could you move and let out the house?

citychick · 22/04/2017 08:26

yANBU but.. plenty of us have relocated abroad to allow DH to progress.
i have! And my career has progressed too which is a good thing
where is he thinking of going?
would therr be the chance of a nice expat package?
maybe it would allow you to start a family sooner?
it is hard work moving abroad. its very draining at first and it can take a year or two ro settle.
we left an area we loved a house we had bought and invested in but luckily in an area where our home rented easily.
are y in an area where you can rent out?
i have no idea what to do about your mum...could she go with u?

flumpybear · 22/04/2017 08:27

Can he cone back for weekends?

citychick · 22/04/2017 08:27

ps
there's a living overseas board might be worth posting there too

SpringLake · 22/04/2017 08:31

Career progression is an interesting topic. In some industries you just keep moving up, until you find a job you can't achieve! That aside, if your DP is the sort that is happy when learning new skills/ working in new places, then don't expect change to ever stop - even in retirement! I see two choices: stay where you are and be the 'root' of the family (home, stability, kids schooling (eventually) etc) or keep moving every few years. Would you want to raise a family with him, if he kept moving around (and was somewhat absent? I guess he's also the type to work long hours?) Where would you ideally choose to raise a family? YANBU to put your foot down and stay, if you think it the bestthing for a family which you are planning together. I know people thatcommute using aeroplanes... it's more than a little crazy (on the surface at least) but can work if your DP has the energy for it?

Original poster
FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 08:33

I've no idea what the next step could be, he's adamant that we could only do it if we both moved. E.g. No mon-fri for him.

I guess we could rent the house out,but the house needs work really and I was excited to do that.

The odd thing is I've always fancied living abroad, and often tried to persuade him in previous years, but the urge has just disappeared completely since we've got the house. Whereas for him it seems to have ticked a few life boxes and given him the security to re-evaluate where he wants to be.

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 22/04/2017 08:36

You wrote this the other week, isn't he the academic?

Original poster
FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 08:39

Not me Wando I've been offline for a while, interested to see that thread though.

I know this is a common topic, I just don't have anyone to talk about it with in RL.

OP posts:
LIZS · 22/04/2017 08:41

What would your prospects be abroad? Expat lifestyle doesn't suit everyone and indeed can break relationships. If you don't really have ties It would be better to try it now than when you have dc to consider.

Original poster
FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 08:49

English speaking country I'd probably have opportunities, but anywhere else it'd be tough. His job would have to be very good to justify it.

I'm a bit annoyed at myself for being a stick in the mud tbh. I know it could be exciting.

A couple of years here and I may be more up for it. I'm not flat out against relocating with small children either.

OP posts:
Citizenoftheuniverse · 22/04/2017 08:51

Like Citychick says it is something that plenty of us have done and it has some really great rewards. I don't regret having done it and we are preparing to do it again this summer but YANBU.

It is hard work at times and very stressful, if you aren't both fully on board I don't see it working. (We have only just finished doing up our new house but will rent it out)

MrsBobDylan · 22/04/2017 09:43

Just as a word of caution, my ILs moved to live near their dd knowing that her husband had always fancied working abroad. Looked like it wouldn't happen for a couple of years until a good opportunity came up and they moved, leaving my ILs grieving for the lovely close life they'd had. ILs moved back to where they had friends but it cost them financially and emotionally and was very sad to watch.

Also, if you want to start a family in a couple of years, if that happens in the country you move to you may be more likely to settle there for good as it makes it harder to come back I think once kids are in school etc. That may not be a problem but may be something to consider. Good luck making your decision !

thebakerwithboobs · 22/04/2017 10:03

I actually feel sorry for your husband here. In your original post it sounded as though he's decided this with no consultation-which would be unreasonable-but then you say you've previously, and not only once, been open about the fact you'd be excited to move abroad. It's no wonder he's started working towards that if it's what you've previously told him. I'm married to the military and have moved abroad twice-Vegas and Cyprus-and whilst I shared all of your reservations at the time we look back on those experiences, and the experiences of our children in those places (one born in Cyprus, another in the US) with real fondness. My career didn't suffer in the long term. If you're planning on taking time out to start a family anyway, would now not be a great time to do it? Just a different perspective Smile

Goldfishjane · 22/04/2017 10:08

YANBU

RedMetamorphosis · 22/04/2017 10:11

Very similar situation to DP and I - he is a very specific type of engineer that the UK haven't had a need for for a while. For 5 years, we lived abroad in two countries for his work before I said I wanted to build my career. I've moved back to the UK, got a great job in a huge company.

What makes things difficult for us is that he is non EU so we are jumping through hoops to try and get him visas and jobs here. It's tough. He earns triple what I earn but we are on the same page of wanting to settle in one place where we can both work and if we have to live apart in the meantime, then so be it.

Could that be an option for you? Is it contract/project work he takes on in the short term to allow him to look for jobs near where you are for the longer term?

Living abroad is an itch that sometimes you just need to get out of your system.

Original poster
FedglingFTB · 22/04/2017 10:41

I did very much mention my previous openness to moving abroad in my OP Hmm

Because yes, I was open to it, but every time he was the one to put a stopper on it. Because; didn't want to work abroad, happy where he was; wanted to settle; wanted a mortgage.

We had no major commitments then, and we do have them I've just totally lost the enthusiasm for it now.

Tbh I wasn't that fussed about getting a mortgage, but it took us so long and was quite stressful. So I've committed and that's what I see it as. A commitment, in the short term at the least - but not less than 6m!

My mum is just adding extra pressure to the situation, not personally but I feel very guilty and I've been nothing but open about everything.

OP posts:
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