Aibu to say I won't consider move abroad?

[FedglingFTB]

When my DP (breadwinner) wants to uproot us for work, again?

This is long winded, but please bear with me.

My DP works in a niche profession, not a lot of opportunities in the U.K. For e.g. He's a specific type of "engineer" (not really), but he is still broadly an engineer, and has skills within his role that could be applied to less prestigious/rewarding jobs. There are opportunities abroad for him, and this was always at the back of our minds.

I relocated from another part of the country to live with him 5 years ago in his current role.

There were no jobs for me, really in this area of the country. So in that time I've re-trained, job hopped and temporarily relocated (Mon-Fri) two times in order to get back up to a decent level of employment. This was tough, during this time I made a point that it might be a good time for him to try working abroad and I would follow, if he were to want that. We stayed.

We've eventually settled, love the area and the house. Took us over 18m to find the 'right' place with a long term view. I have made actual friends for the first time in 5yrs! Also we now have first mortgage, a pet, talks about starting a family within 2yrs, and to complicate further my mums decided to relocate nearer imminently (good thing).

He's now decided the time is right (for him) to move on, as there's no progression where he is. So that's us both moving abroad. Despite me explaining, he can't seem to grasp why I'm not interested in this now when I was pretty excited by the idea a few years ago.

AIBU to not support his career progression?

Some years ago I was offered a post abroad which would have made all the difference to my career prospects. There was nothing particularly objectionable about the country, I already understand the language and can make myself understood, the post was right up my street. So what dh and I did- over several weeks and culminating in a very prolonged buffet lunch at a Chinese restaurant- was sit down and go through each family member in turn: How would it affect me in terms of employment, emotional wellbeing, health, social wellbeing, longterm career prospects etc etc, how would it affect you, how would it affect dd, how would it affect ds? And in the end we added up all the sums and found there were more negatives, for more family members, than positives. I did not take that job.

op you seem to be quite fixated on the mortgage issue .
unless your home is completely unrentable then please don't let that hold you back.
yes tenants can be needy and the house needs attention from time to time but it does work out. so long as your rent covers your mortgage and bills then you could be fine.
and anyway, you won't be the only person working abroad who has a flat or house to keep tabs on.

is your mum on her own? is she going to manage whilst you are abroad?

Interesting Cory I think it'd help if there were actual opportunities on the table. When he was recently approached by a recruiter a bit of simple maths worked out that unless I got a job in that county (which was unlikely) with living costs and taxes etc. we'd have no better quality of life regardless. So what was the point?

Maybe I just have to be open to the idea, he's quite tunnel visioned though, and to get to a job offer stage would take a lot of investment of time and work for him. I worry that if we get to a stage where there's an opportunity and we disagree then that'd incredibly stressful.

Eg he has the carrot dangled and I shut it down, but how can I commit before knowing the full picture?

I would also bear in mind that if you have children in another country, and then split, you won't be able to come home unless he agrees to it.

If he stays there you will be stuck there until DC grow up.

City I think I'm fixated because I'm happy here. Also we overstretched ourselves with the house slightly and without doing the considerable work needed to get it looking slick (it's fine as is temporarily but previous owner did everything on the cheap). I doubt the rental value would cover mortgage and property management.

I'm sure you have been honest with him about how you feel saying that the mortgage changed things and if you're not financially better off you can't see the point.

I would be asking why not mon to fri? Not to stir but just so you can understand why he feels it's a no go but asking you to compromise a life you are happy with to move. He needs to compromise a bit too and that might be it.
If you can't get a job there what are you meant to do?
Is there a realistic amount he could earn out there that would be comfortable enough for you both with living costs to set as a minimum bench mark?

It also sounds like countries you are looking at might be a huge factor. If it were Australia you might have less of an issue but if your talking about somewhere that you might be more isolated then you are really putting everything into him as your main company for a while.

Middle the majority of opportunities that excite him would be too far. However, we we're long distance in the early days, and he did short bursts abroad where he felt isolated and unhappy. Which is why he wouldn't consider M-F if there were the option.

I think he relies too much on the fact you'll follow him.
If you have kids and remain without a job and support network you're going to be very isolated. I don't think that's fair at all..

I moved lots as a kid because of one parents job. Hated it.
YANBU.

Yanbu

ok so i think first you need to sit down and work out the financial side of things.
i completely understand it's a very emotional time, but if the finances don't add up a move abroad cannot be managed .
you really don't want to be on the position of part funding a uk mortgage unless your potential expat package will offer accommodation too.
and those packages are not as easy to come by as they once were.

our house is in greater London and even with rent being twice the mortgage we have only a hundred pounds left over after all expenses are taken out. it's not a money maker.

The finances are going to different if you move on a full expat deal rather than moving abroad to work, if that makes sense. Our mortgage wasn't fully covered by our rent on our last assignment but the overall deal meant that wasn't a problem. We weren't making any money on our UK house but obviously we weren't paying our own rent in our host country. If you are talking about living abroad and paying your own costs it will be much harder to balance the books.

agree completely with citizen
it's a huge difference.

i said to dh i would not move unless our life would be better. its definitely different . better un some ways, not in others . it's a compromise really.
i am glad we took the plunge. the fact that our house finances are balanced is a huge weight off us

are you married? also bear in mind if u are not you may not be able to get a working visa .

Thanks for everyone's input. It's been very insightful and helpful.

We sat down and I flat out said I didn't want to live abroad for the next few years. He had no idea. I have a tendency to scoot around the issue and he needs things spelling out. So I'm glad we had the talk.

Not sure what'll happen now. But DP appreciated my honesty and agreed he really feels the same. However current work isn't guaranteed. So it's a question of being proactive or reactive. In reality, we're only just a staying afloat as is.

Great to hear so many positive experiences of living abroad