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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents made my NC SIL executor of their will

37 replies

Suchalovelyday · 21/04/2017 19:50

I'm genuinely asking if IBU to feel hurt and upset having found out on Sunday my parents changed their will to make my SIL who never tried to get to know me, just decided I was a 'yuppy working mother' executor of their will.

My mum made reference to the SIL being 'independent and very fair'. She's not independent and will be a beneficiary of their will the same as my brother. When I say will, they live in a very very very small mobile home, and have a lot of money owing on a property overseas. My brothers name is on the loan with them. They've said they're leaving the overseas property to him, and I'm assuming the money from their home here will have to pay the loan (only recently realised that!) so have they effectively written me out of their will? Do they think by her being executor I won't find out?

I've posted before about how things are, and I'm cross with myself for letting this get to me after so much but I feel so sad that despite knowing the SIL hates me they've given her such a trusted role over me. It really isn't about any possible inheritance, but it's the feeling of being so decisively excluded. I'm v low contact with them (so maybe AIBU as they see more of them) but they've just been on a visit here which was ok, mum is in super affectionate mode and keeps texting/phoning telling me how much she loves me. I'm on anti anxiety meds so I'm coping and haven got upset or even told her I'm upset, but I know she can hear/tell I'm very subdued. I've got a horrific cold at the moment so she's assuming that's why I'm quiet.

Am I being a jealous brat? Should I expect this because of the low contact?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2017 19:55

It doesn't sound as though they have any money to leave, does it? I would be very hurt if my SIL was executor, but it doesn't mean she's seen the Will, or anything like that.

Bringmesunshite · 21/04/2017 19:56

Is she executor for both individuals?
I know your relationship with her is bad but they may feel it is the best decision.

Original poster

Suchalovelyday · 21/04/2017 20:00

Yes Brings, for both of them. I still don't understand why they would see it as fair to choose her over their own daughter, they know she doesn't think much of me.

OP posts:

upperlimit · 21/04/2017 20:02

It's an absolute pain being an executor. There is nothing to be gained by dragging your weary greiving ass through a mountain of paperwork and dealing with a hundred stuffy, largely disorganised, organisations.

Are you sure they haven't done this simply not to burden you?

DJBaggySmalls · 21/04/2017 20:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

DuchessK · 21/04/2017 20:05

I thought that an executor couldn't be a beneficiary? Maybe that's why they chose her?

upperlimit · 21/04/2017 20:07

Executors can be beneficiaries and usually are.

DavidbowieMime · 21/04/2017 20:09

No you cant be a witness and be an executor.

I totally understand your pain op, however it does sound like an almighty mess...and to be honest - it will be such a tangle trying to pay this and that off.

Having said that I think you should say you feel hurt that they cant see how bad your relationship is with SIL- no matter what spin they put on it - and that they have done you a disservice by giving her this role and that its hurt your feelings.

Halfwayupahill · 21/04/2017 20:11

Being an executor is a pain, believe me, I was one last year ! They're doing you a favour.

DavidbowieMime · 21/04/2017 20:11

Also does your DM have jewellery it may be worth mentioning that now.....not for the money value - but for the sentimental value that could really hurt if your sil takes that.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/04/2017 20:15

You still have the legal right to see the will - its public document. You can also ask for audited accounts of how the money is distributed and assets disposed of.

When I say will, they live in a very very very small mobile home, and have a lot of money owing on a property overseas

Do you realise debts get paid first from an estate, then what's left gets divvied up? There may very well me a method in your parents madness. Do you really want to be sorting out their joint loans with your brother?

Original poster

Suchalovelyday · 21/04/2017 20:38

Thanks for the replies. It's not wanting to be the executor, and definitely not about money or lack of. My parents both know 100% about the non-relationship with my SIL, and yet they still did it.

OP posts:

DavidbowieMime · 21/04/2017 20:40

Their excuse was she is in partial you should say to them this excuse doesnt wash

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/04/2017 20:40

But their will isnt about how you feel about your SIL, it's about the best way to distribute their estate. It simply isn't about you.

FruSkogKattOla · 21/04/2017 20:48

"You still have the legal right to see the will - its public document."

I might be wrong here, but as far as I'm aware I believe that a Will is not a 'public document' until after the person has died - and maybe not until after Probate has been granted? While the person is still alive, I believe it's a private document?

Original poster

Suchalovelyday · 21/04/2017 20:48

It's actually about how the SIL feels about me! Putting someone who has refused to try to get to know me and made it clear she dislikes me in charge of their estate. That's my issue. Choosing: not me, but someone who is most definitely not impartial!

OP posts:

befuddledgardener · 21/04/2017 20:49

I would have assumed that they got their share of the abroad house, then had to take out a mortgage for the remaining debt.

Unpropergrammer · 21/04/2017 20:53

I think yabu. I don't think your parents have an obligation to consider how you feel when they pick an executor.

Original poster

Suchalovelyday · 21/04/2017 20:54

Mum and dad have said they're leaving it to him in its entirety. They resented us not putting our name to the loan with them - we were independently advised not to as it was as European property market was on the brink of meltdown. They're now in negative equity with it and it's permanently rented out to enable them to pay the loan. They threw my dads pension, proceeds of house sale and 2 loans into it. We weren't prepared to risk the investment and limit our ability to upsize as our children grew.

OP posts:

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 21/04/2017 20:56

FruSkogKattOla

Yes, once its been through probate. I forgot when writing on this forum it has to be explained in minutia

magoria · 21/04/2017 21:00

From the sounds of it there is SFA to leave anyone but debt.

You don't have any part of the debt. You won't have to sort it out. What will be left after the mortgage and loans are repaid?

Count your blessings you have nothing to do with it.

FruSkogKattOla · 21/04/2017 21:05

I wasn't trying to pull you up at all, Still. Just concerned that the OP might have thought that she would be able to, formally, get sight of the Will now. What she's been told and what is written in the Will might be slightly different? Who knows?

tattychicken · 21/04/2017 21:06

So it sounds like your brother has probably lost money on the arrangement, and your parents are just trying to minimise that loss. I'm sorry, I can see you're hurting, but I think YABU.

picklemepopcorn · 21/04/2017 21:08

I think it's actually very sensible. They have nothing to leave except the property they effectively share the debt on with your DB. It is sensible for it all to be left to them to sort.

You're well out of it. She doesn't have any power over you because there is nothing connecting you, effectively.

If you want personal, sentimental things, then you should talk about that with them while they are still alive. Perhaps ask them to put something in writing about it.

Bettercallsaul1 · 21/04/2017 21:18

It sounds to me, OP, as if the work of the executory will be mainly dealing with untangling the finances surrounding the overseas property, before it is left to your brother who already owns a proportion of it. From the sound of the loans and negative equity, it does not sound as if it was a good investment and may have been more trouble than it was worth, including financially. You made the right decision in not becoming involved. However, if your parents had wanted you to be involved, and asked you to be parties to the loan too, they may now consider you to be "out of the picture" when dealing with it in their will, since you made it clear you didn't want to be involved. If there had been other substantial assets to deal with, it would have been much less understandable not to make you an executor too, but, as it is, they may see you as having voluntarily distanced yourself from their affairs while your DB and SIL have been fellow investors in their financial project. I think your mother is seeing this from a purely practical, financial point of view rather than an emotional one. She does not see this in terms of lack of trust in you, or lack of affection and love.

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