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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I try to have a baby?

28 replies

DollyFlop · 21/04/2017 00:56

At 30 I was told I would never conceive naturally.
I had loads of unsuccessful treatment.
At 34 I did conceive naturally, and I am now mother to the most amazing human that has ever walked the face of the earth 😉
I resigned myself to having an only child after what can only be described as a grieving process, which took a number of years.
Now I have been unexpectedly offered cash to have egg donation.
Pros: I really want more children; my son really wants a sibling; I feel bad that if we get old and infirm then all of the care and stress is on my son
Cons: I am 41 and would be 42 at least at the sprogging; I know from bitter experience that ivf seldom works; would I feel weird about egg donation (my own eggs are hard boiled, so no use thinking about them) ; would it be weird bearing children that weren't full siblings to my child. I worry that I would feel different

OP posts:
Original poster
DollyFlop · 21/04/2017 01:06

And another thing, it has taken 5 years to get ds to sleep in his own bed. Not sure I could do sleepless nights again.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 21/04/2017 04:06

So am I right in thinking your DS is 7? That's a pretty big age gap. I wouldn't be having a kid because he wants s sibling when they're going to have almost nothing in common for years and years to come.

I also don't think you should be thinking about them doting on you in your old age. What if they set up life on the other side of the planet with their own families? You can't ask kids to sacrifice their own happiness for you.

So that leaves you wondering if you want a baby with no regard to the sibling or your long-term future, and with whom you share no DNA.

Personally I think I could love them just as much. You would have carried them 9 months after all. What does your DP think? Could they also love them as much? They wouldn't have the bond of pregnancy and associated hormones.

I personally wouldn't do it but I don't think I can really understand because I was happy with just one.

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 04:12

I would say yes if you want to and if you're fortunate enough to be in this position of the unexpected cash. I wouldn't worry about being 42 - throughout history women have had children at this age and beyond.

However, from experience, I was an only child and at his age really wanted a sibling. Looking back now though I'm happy being an only child and don't wish for siblings but I wish when I was growing up people around me had been more positive about only children. My perspective is that siblings can be genuinely supportive to one another in many cases but they're not the 'holy grail' I once thought they were as what I've seen in adulthood is some only children thriving and some people with siblings struggle with adult life - jobs , relationships etc (and vice versa sometimes of course). I think this may be a more important factor to bear in mind than either your age or the fact they wouldn't be full siblings which to me are not relevant- if you did go ahead and have 2 imo they will be siblings regardless

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2017 04:12

Kids that age wanting a sibling is the idea of a sibling. Not an actual sibling. Pro: without your genes, maybe new DC would sleep I'm convinced my DH's shit genes caused my non-sleeper

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 04:13

Anyway most of all good luck with your decision!!

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 04:14

I totally agree with Terry 'S view on siblings and how children view them!!

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 04:24

I totally disagree with the stereotype of only children being spoilt because looking at it objectively its perfectly possible for a only child to be as deprived/disadvantaged ata child with multiple siblings. How've I think the potential advantage of being an only child is independence - and imo I think it's v important for parents of only children to encourage this otherwise the main advantage of being a only child is lost.
That said , parents can also encourage independence this way in siblings too and if I were you OP I may well take the unexpected cash as a sign that your quest to have a 2nd child is meant to happen and will yield a positive outcome!!

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 04:25

F you want a 2nd child of course

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 04:26

Sorry for typos

Catherinebee85 · 21/04/2017 04:27

You can completely discount what your son wants, don't mean to sound harsh but this isn't about him and shouldn't be about him.

I guess if you always wanted more children, and the offer doesn't put anyone out too much (as in they genuinely want to do it and have the means) would you regret not going for it in a few years time?

user1492232552 · 21/04/2017 04:30

My ex is an only child and he loved it growing up, ie until the age your son is and as an adult he hated it. I think if you can you should, yes initially it'll be like having two only's but the sibling I get on best with is 9 years younger than me.
Learn from your mistakes last time, I've never had any of this won't sleep crap, it's amazing what they will do when just snuggled up in bed with you breast feeding at will, everyone gets to sleep.
At three you just put them back in their own bed, 50 times a night if need be (weekends and bank holidays are perfect for this), three nights tops and the battle is won.

SuperBeagle · 21/04/2017 04:32

You should only have another child if you want to. Don't do it for your son's benefit, as others have said, kids often say they want a sibling because they like the idea (but are clueless as to the reality), and the age gap will prevent them having any common interests until adulthood.

I agree with the PP who said that at 7, they would've loved the idea of a sibling, but in retrospect are happy to be an only child. I feel this way. It's afforded me many more opportunities than having a sibling would've allowed for. Also, I am certainly more close with my mum (single mother) than my friends are, and I don't think that would've been the case had there been a second or third child in the picture.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2017 05:08

My dd is an only. Ivf conceived. My health suffered dramatically because of the ivf. I have ME/CFS and I strongly believe it is because of the ivf. I'm not a strong person and wasn't supposed to have children, I suspect, which is why I needed treatment as there was nothing "wrong" with dhs or my fertility. I went through that grieving process of only having one so I totally understand. In your position, having, I imagine good health, yes, I definitely would try. If you are anything like me, you will have massive pangs and regrets if you don't.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2017 05:08

Posted too soon. That is, if you still want another child.

Manorbier · 21/04/2017 05:33

Contrary to what some people might think op I would actually see the age gap as a good thing because it gives your child the advantage the advantages of being an 'only' in a sense and having a sibling!!

flumpybear · 21/04/2017 05:45

Personally I'd go for it - it's last chance saloon time! Is there any chance you can conceive naturally again? What's the issue?! Have you tried natural things like high concentrations of evening primrose oil or Angus castus?

PegLegAntoine · 21/04/2017 06:18

I guess it partly comes down to how you'd feel if it didn't happen. If you tried and it didn't work. Hopefully that won't be an issue but it's worth considering. OTOH the regret you might feel if you don't give it a shot could be huge.

I agree that kids don't have a clue about the reality of a sibling but while the age gap would be bigger than average that's not necessarily a bad thing, it'd just be a different type of bond. My DSDs were similar age when DD was born and they have an amazing relationship. DD really looks up to them, they enjoyed helping choose toys and clothes, pushing the buggy, helping her on the swings, showing her the cartoons they loved at her age, all that kind of stuff. :)

divadee · 21/04/2017 07:13

Age gaps are fine. I have 19 years between my two. Yes it's starting again, yes it's been a massive culture shock having a newborn again but my teen loves her baby sister and was there at the birth (not that I'm suggesting your 7 year old would be!)

PidgeonSpray · 21/04/2017 09:10

I would say no in your situation. And i agree with others regarding your son "wanting" a sibling is different in reality. Enjoy the family you have :- ) x

PeaFaceMcgee · 21/04/2017 09:14

How have you been offered cash to receive egg donation? Confused.

ToastyFingers · 21/04/2017 12:04

I'd go for it! 7 years sounds like a great age gap, big enough that there's no competition between them as kids and small enough for them to have lots in common by their 20/30s.

Plus, biology matters not a jot to siblings. My sister is technically a half-sibling but we're 100% sisters.

Original poster
DollyFlop · 23/04/2017 02:10

When I was young and knew nothing, I decided I would have 4 children, and i have never since managed to completely shake that idea (even though I now have separate worries about sustainability and overpopulation)
I agree I sound a it odd going on about my sons wishes, but he does mention so much about how he has no one to play with, plus he has no friends at school (not entirely true, but just enough to manipulate his poor mumm!!)

OP posts:
user1492232552 · 23/04/2017 02:12

He won't have anyone to play with with a baby though either. My 6 nearly 7 year old met a 3 year old for the first and was very unimpressed, right pain in the arse she was for him.

It's all about you OP, what do you want ?

Original poster
DollyFlop · 23/04/2017 02:15

And, the cash isn't a weird incentive, my mum is a teacher and has just retired with a lump sum, so has offered us a loan. Don't know when she expects it back though 🤔

OP posts:
Blueskyonthehorizon · 23/04/2017 02:58

Go for it OP. Stop overthinking. You clearly want to and are seeking validation here. The only opinions that matter are your and your DP. It'll be too late if you don't do it now.