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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To chat to someone I used to work with about the death of their friend?

73 replies

jdoe8 · 20/04/2017 15:22

Maybe I'm just being nosey, but I dont use facebook that often but just noticed that an old work mates, that I actually quite like but haven't spoken in years, best friend died last year.

I was quite shocked as I knew this friend and had met him several times and chatted to him. He must of been in early 30s.

Is it bad that i'm interested in knowing more? I was thinking about just sending a "sorry to hear about your loss" message to the friend, but would that be bad?

OP posts:

Original poster

jdoe8 · 22/04/2017 14:06

if they were a private thing, they would be private and people wouldn't be posting status messages about it.

Anyway I've finally sent a message, hopeful

OP posts:

HallowedMimic · 22/04/2017 14:17

Jesus OP, your behaviour is the very definition of crass.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/04/2017 18:05

Oh OP I had to laugh. Your behaviour is something I can't write on MN without getting banned, and you're giving me a biscuit. I sincerely hope someone calls you out on your voyeurism and tells you how awful it is. Have a long hard look at the kind of person you are, because the impression you've given on here is disgusting.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/04/2017 18:17

I'm Irish and have attended a few funerals of the parents of friends - I would think it showed a lack of compassion for a grieving friend not to do so. At the last such funeral a number of this friend's work colleagues attended also to show their support for her. Absolutely the 'norm' here.

YNK · 22/04/2017 18:27

Gosh, I think it's supportive for friends of the bereaved to offer condolences, even if they didn't know the deceased.
Maybe it's just me (and the OP)...........

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 18:34

'Oh OP I had to laugh. Your behaviour is something I can't write on MN without getting banned, and you're giving me a biscuit. I sincerely hope someone calls you out on your voyeurism and tells you how awful it is. Have a long hard look at the kind of person you are, because the impression you've given on here is disgusting.'

This x1000. Fucking ghouls came out in force after DD1 died. There is no amount of ill I don't wish such disgusting tourists.

'Anyway, I've finally sent a message, hopeful'

And I'm hopeful this person is wise to ghoul tourists and doesn't answer you or better yet, blocks you.

Someone died and all you care about is your curiosity.

The mind boggles!

INXS · 22/04/2017 18:39

"it's not only family and close friends that have the right to know how a loved one has passed away."

I agree with this Darlei. Many on here love to pat themselves on the back for never even wondering how people have passed away unexpectedly. Unrealistic though, of course people are curious.

DotForShort · 22/04/2017 18:39

If you want to offer condolences to your friend out of a sincere sense of compassion for her, I think that would be lovely.

OTOH, if your condolences are really just a fishing expedition to find out details about this man's death, simply to satisfy your own curiosity, that would be truly insensitive.

weebarra · 22/04/2017 18:56

I went to the funeral of my colleague's dad last year. I'd never met him, but I, and other workmates, went to support her and show our respects.
She and her Mum were very glad we had come. We didn't stay for the wake either.
I'm Scottish, btw.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/04/2017 19:00

I agree with this Darlei. Many on here love to pat themselves on the back for never even wondering how people have passed away unexpectedly. Unrealistic though, of course people are curious

I don't pat myself on the back at all, I have experienced grief through murder, through unexpected sudden death and through illness. Especially when my friend was murdered the voyeurs were out in force, looking for gossip and titbits of sensationalism that they could paw over. It was disgusting.

expat I'm very sorry about your DD and also that it was compounded by ghouls crawling for info. Awful, just awful.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/04/2017 19:02

Oh and having the right to know how someone died is absolute bullshit, the only "rights" involved are the rights of those grieving to be treated with kindness and respect. Anything else is fucking disgusting beyond words!

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 19:06

"it's not only family and close friends that have the right to know how a loved one has passed away."

No, they fucking well have not! How dare anyone suggest that bereaved people should be in any way concerned with publicly disseminating personal information about the death of their loved ones so ghouls can have their curiosity satisfied! I cannot believe anyone actually thinks like this!

lasttimeround · 22/04/2017 19:19

People might be curious but it's unbelievably crass to make enquiries about the nature of the death.
Pay respects. Support others. Remembering the deceasef. All fine. Having a nosy is not. How can that even be a thing to think about

INXS · 22/04/2017 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/04/2017 19:46

INXS I'm sorry that that happened to your relative, it's awful. I see where you're coming from, I really do. My experience when a friend was murdered that when people's eyes lit up hearing that she was found in several bins and asking details of how she died/came to be in pieces made my skin crawl. I didn't want to talk about it, to satisfy ghoulish curiousity, because she was my friend and she deserved better.

INXS · 22/04/2017 20:50

Saor I'm sorry for your experience too.
I guess what I can take from this is that lots of people have had awful things happen to them. I can't speak for your experience obviously - I can only imagine there were some terribly insensitive people you had to deal with. My point though is that you never know what is in someone else's past. I worry that I can sometimes appear blithe when discussing this sort of thing, to people who do not know about what I wrote about above. Maybe other people on here have experienced that sort of feeling? That others are being ghoulish when actually, they've been through some dark stuff themselves and are simply more upfront about it.
And on a related note, when the event above happened, I spent a good whole feeling very hard done by, and as though no one else had ever experienced anything bad, hated hearing about other people's good news, etc. I think there can be an element of that sometimes when it comes to bereavement. It's not good or bad, it just is.
I hope that makes sense and isn't taken the wrong way. Basically we all need a bit of consideration, and I do completely agree that people being crass or insensitive in their approach is not acceptable - of course it is. I just don't think that asking is "always wrong, no matter what". If someone had rolled up to me in the street and barked "eh, what happened to X?!" of course I would have been offended and not told them. But - to get back finally to the OP - I don't think she is proposing to do that!

INXS · 22/04/2017 20:55

Saor Im sorry I didn't make this clearer above - again, so sorry for your loss. Your friend absolutely deserved better. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for everyone - I do hope that time is helping come to terms with such a horrific event. Truly tragic thing to happen

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/04/2017 21:17

I knew what you meant INXS and I appreciate it the impression I get from OP is that she is virtually rather than in RL doing the "oi what happened to x then?" Because she only wants details, not actually to support anyone or share in grief. That's why I got so pissed off.
In any situation it's hard to know how to approach grief, but to deliberately seek out details to satisfy curiosity just turns my stomach. If that question is backed up with sympathy (genuine) and support that's totally different iyswim.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 21:22

You know what, INXS, it's not the job of bereaved loved ones to spend time considering why people are nosey about their loss, they have enough on their plates. It's not 'being hard done by', it's bereavement. And no, it is isn't 'just is', especially when it's your child, it's fucking bad beyond description. Sure, people can ask what happened, but you're not beholden to educate anyone on the details because it's better to get it out there. They already know the end result, there's no need to take out an ad in the Metro with the details if the bereaved don't feel they want to. I'm very open about how my child died, but others aren't and you know, it's pretty mean and insulting to press for details or play the tourist to get them.

NO ONE has a 'right' to details. It's not at all about 'owning a memory', it's about that being all you have left of your child, so people honing in for a nosey are crass.

Epipgab · 22/04/2017 21:44

YABU

INXS · 22/04/2017 21:47

expat yes, you are right. I don't think any parent should be asked to discuss the loss of their child. I suppose it's impossible to create 'rules' about who is appropriate to ask about and who isn't, so it's probably safer just not to ask.
Personally I have felt it important to keep talking about it, but I can see why others would absolutely not want to, at least with people who are simply curious.
So, I still believe what I said above, but accept that I'm in the minority so probably shouldn't be offering advice that may offend others.
I can't imagine what you have been through, don't want to say much more because I'm worried I will make things worse, but I'm really, truly sorry about your bereavement.

Goldfishjane · 23/04/2017 15:13

to all who've suffered vulturism.

Original poster

jdoe8 · 24/04/2017 10:58

INXS I have no idea what you posted, but anyway the friend replied and seemed happy that I reached out with a message of condolances.

Saor - I still think you are being ridiculous talking about privacy when I'm reacting to something someone public-ally put out on facebook ffs. I read it clearly as wanting to chat about it. My comment on his memorial has already had 47 likes.

I'm glad I spoke to her rather than just ignoring the comments she posted public-ally.

OP posts:

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