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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chat to someone I used to work with about the death of their friend?

73 replies

jdoe8 · 20/04/2017 15:22

Maybe I'm just being nosey, but I dont use facebook that often but just noticed that an old work mates, that I actually quite like but haven't spoken in years, best friend died last year.

I was quite shocked as I knew this friend and had met him several times and chatted to him. He must of been in early 30s.

Is it bad that i'm interested in knowing more? I was thinking about just sending a "sorry to hear about your loss" message to the friend, but would that be bad?

OP posts:
user1489261248 · 20/04/2017 16:10

I know plenty of Irish people; am related to some actually. None ever go to funerals of people they don't know.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 20/04/2017 16:12

I'm going to go against the flow here. Yes you need to tread carefully, but it's entirely possible that your former colleague might want to talk about her friend.

You appear to feel sad and shocked by the news. Be honest and let her know that. Then take your cue from her. I'm sorry that you've found out like this.

user1489261248 · 20/04/2017 16:12

It's perfectly normal in many cultures to go to funerals of people you don't know. Are all Irish people a "special kind of weird"

@chaitea
I know plenty of Irish people; am related to some actually. None ever go to funerals of people they don't know.

No matter what you say on here, someone comes along and claims some other culture they know does it. No-one in said culture who I know ever does said thing LOL.

Pettywoman · 20/04/2017 16:18

When my dad died and when my gran died we were touched that so many people wanted to pay their respects and either come to the funeral or send cards and messages.

It says a lot about the deceased when people from old work places, school etc still remember them fondly enough to bother.

Everyone gets caught up in their lives and often some best friends aren't the ones you have weekly coffees with but the ones you hold in your heart and live far away from.

I can't understand the attitude that you can't mention your sadness on finding someone has passed away. Be tactful and respectful but don't feel you can't say anything.

PookyHook · 20/04/2017 16:25

You don't know what you're talking about User. Here in Ireland it is perfectly normal to go to the funeral of someone you have never met Usually the family member of a friend or colleague. You go out of respect for the friend.

I went to the funeral of my friend's MIL even though I have never met her. My dh regularly goes to funerals of the parents of work colleagues. The whole office floor will go, often travelling across the country.

I find the attitudes on this thread baffling. Over here it is considered respectful to offer condolences to anyone who has been recently bereaved. I personally dislike doing it because I never know what to say, but I make myself do it anyway out of respect.

user1489261248 · 20/04/2017 16:27

You don't seem at all concerned about your friend. When my grandad died, all these relatives crawled out of the woodwork. They may have been there to genuinely say goodbye and offer their support but the fact that they quickly disappeared back into the woodwork never to be seen again suggests they were either nosey, wanted to see if there was anything they could get, make it about them (oh I travelled x number of miles to get here and I have a poorly back. Whoa is me. Look at me.) or, as my grandma said at the wake "they are only fucking here for the food. The bastards. I wish they would piss off". Don't be like them OP.

This ^ x 1000 by puffin nose. And I think most people have experienced this.

Chavelita · 20/04/2017 16:32

What Pooky said. You go to support someone you know who is a family member of the dead person, or to represent your family because someone who can't attend knows the dead person or their family. When my paternal grandfather died, twenty or so childhood neighbours of my mother's, who would have met my grandad once, at my parents' wedding 17 years earlier, drove 40 miles to the funeral.

user1489261248 · 20/04/2017 16:34

@pookyhook Quit fucking patronising me.. I DO have Irish relatives and friends, and none of them go to funerals of people they don't know. So quit talking to me like I'm a fool who doesn't know what I'm on about.. None of the Irish I know ever go to a funeral of a person they have never met or ever had anything to do with, even if their 'friend' knew them!

It's clearly different horses for different courses.

So don't talk down to me like I know shit-all! Hmm

And I don't give a fried bollock if a dozen posters come on here and say 'I am IRISH and I go to dozens of funerals of strangers!' No Irish person I know does.

user1489261248 · 20/04/2017 16:36

Same to Chavelita ^ Just coz YOU know people who do X Y and Z, that doesn't mean EVERYone does it. As I said, none of the Irish I know do it, so obviously not every Irish person does it do they?! Hmm

It's like pulling teeth on here sometimes!

Goldfishjane · 20/04/2017 16:39

"Is it bad that i'm interested in knowing more?"

yes. The last time someone did that to me, I gave them all the gory details - and my friend died in a terrorist attack. Of course he ended up wishing he hadn't asked but he shouldn't have fucking asked if he didn't want that kind of info.

he was also an old work mate who heard it on the grapevine. Fucking vultures. is there not enough misery on the news etc for you?

loobyloo1234 · 20/04/2017 16:40

YABU. This happened to me. Faux sympathy over my friend dying in their 20's. Yuk. Mind your own business

PerfectlyPosed · 20/04/2017 16:43

Someone I know died unexpectedly last year and his Facebook immediately became inundated with people offering their "condolences" whilst unsubtly trying to find out what had happened. It was quite upsetting for those that were close to him and really just wanted to grieve in peace. And as for the funeral, his own sister couldn't get a seat because of all the "rubber neckers" who had arrived early and nabbed all the space.

Obsidian77 · 20/04/2017 16:44

I'm kind of on the fence with this one. It does seem a little prurient but on the other hand, one of the painful things about bereavement is that people can feel too awkward to talk about your loved one who has passed away. It can be very isolating.
A short message along the lines suggested by pp might be appreciated but avoid asking questions about the death itself unless your friend volunteers this information.

dancerdog · 20/04/2017 16:45

Yes I've been to loads of funerals of people I don't know usually because it is an indication of support for a friend for example, or a mark of respect.
For example, my good friend's mother died a few years ago, it was over Christmas, funeral was 30 miles away, I couldn't go. No problem.
When her husband's dad died I went to that as a mark of respect to both of them. I knew neither parent, but wanted to register support and both really appreciated me attending the dad's funeral.

Also, a relative's partner's mum died recently. Didn't know her at all, partner was overcome by people attending to support her.

Maybe a Scottish Catholic atheist thing, I don't know.

PookyHook · 20/04/2017 16:47

User, of course it doesn't mean everyone does it. And equally, just because you happen to know a few people who don't conform to Irish cultural norms doesn't mean that it is not part of Irish culture, which is the point that ChaiTea was making.

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 20/04/2017 16:49

I know plenty of Irish people; am related to some actually. None ever go to funerals of people they don't know

I don't give a shite who you know, its perfectly normal to go to a funeral in Ireland for your friends parents, or your bosses wife or whatever, makes no difference if you met them.
And don't tell an Irish person in Ireland you know better because you know some Irish people. It's super twatty.

pasturesgreen · 20/04/2017 16:54

Like many others have said already:

  1. You haven't spoken to old work mate in years;
  2. Best friend died last year;
  3. You don't actually care, you're just being nosey.

Nothing wrong with a bit of curiosity, after all we're only human, but YWBVVVU to get in touch out of the blue like that just to obtain a bit of gossip.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/04/2017 17:02

When my best friend died suddenly, her funeral was overrun with arseholes we used to work with, who made it clear they were there for gossip and the free bar. It enraged me to the point I didn't dare stay after the burial in case I lost my shit.
All due respect OP, if anyone thought you needed to know the details, you'd know.

sonjadog · 20/04/2017 17:03

I am Irish. It is normal to go to funerals of people you don't know. You go to support the family member that you do know. Maybe it isn't the norm everywhere in Ireland, but I've never come across it not being that way.

But on the point if the OP - don't message and ask, OP. It would be very tactless and insensitive.

MysweetAudrina · 20/04/2017 17:04

I'm Irish also and most people in my office would go to the funeral of a parent/sibling of their work colleague even if they had never met them. I'm not big on funerals as I usually end up crying more than the family that have been bereaved so end up feeling like a twat but anyone who travels a distance is doing so to pay respects not for a free sandwich. Although I have heard mention of Professional Funeral goers who turn up to every funeral going but I think they are in the minority. The local TD's (MPs) in rural areas go to nearly every single funeral in their constituency - it is noted.

Goldfishjane · 20/04/2017 17:18

I don't understand how some people are conflating attending the funeral to support someone, with the attitude and clear nosiness the op expressed - openly and honestly - in her posts.

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 20/04/2017 17:20

Nobody is conflating it, they are responding to a rude poster who made a mistake.

Meekonsandwich · 20/04/2017 20:13

If shes a friend, send a card and some flowers and go see her.
Facebook is not appropriate when someone dies. It's too "look at my public declaration of sympathy!/love!/support!"
Either send a card and leave her to it or go and see and support her.

Original poster
jdoe8 · 21/04/2017 16:52

Well you are saying its rude, that isn't a universal truth.

Sandwich i saw the news on a facebook memory s page set up deliberately set up because of the death of someone. So I don't think you can see its not appropriate.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 21/04/2017 18:04

Facebook memorial profiles are for friends and family to share their memories and to offer comfort, not titbits of gossip Hmm

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