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AIBU?

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Original poster

Handhold needed after awful, awful day

66 replies

Bleurghghghgh · 19/04/2017 20:38

Family wedding. My phone got knocked off a table at the registry office and now isn't working. At the reception I was upset which somehow led to being pushed over my dad, by the face (not sure if that makes sense but he kind of hit/pushed me over at once). Came home. Contacted my ex who I'd been talking to this morning (and longer term have been considering seeing again) saying 'that was a horrific day' he asked why and I told him and his response was 'oh. I thought someone had died. I'm sorry you've had a bad day but I'm not sure what to say'.
I can't contact anyone else as I don't use facebook, I need a handhold :(

OP posts:
kingfisherblue33 · 19/04/2017 21:05

Your ex sounds realistic. What happened with your dad? Could you have put him in jail? Is your ex fed up with ongoing issues between you and your dad? Is that why he's being unsympathetic? Is there a back story here?

Spadequeen · 19/04/2017 21:08

I'm more concerned about your dad than your ex.

I can't believe he did that and there was no consequences for him. Has he always been abusive? If a stranger did that to you, you would be within your rights to report them for assault, why is it any different cos it's your dad? I would seriously consider never seeing him again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2017 21:09

He sounds really angry for you. Perhaps not so good on the sympathy front. But perhaps he's fed up with the shit you get from your dad and he really wants you to just stop having contact with the man.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 19/04/2017 21:09

I think your ex is pointing out the obvious, and sounds like he has reached the end of his tether with this particular issue so it's probably happened a lot. I think he is doing you a favour tbh and spelling it out to you and you should really take note of his advice about your dad.

I tell my DCs if they do X they may get hurt. They do it, get hurt, I point out I have no sympathy as I warned them. Same thing on a different scale.

AdoraBell · 19/04/2017 21:11

Agree, your dad sounds extremely horrible.

have a Brew or Wine and be kind to yourself.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/04/2017 21:11

i think you need to talk to a professional about your dad I think there is a lot of hurtful history there, my dad ( and any normal dad) would have given me a hug and tried his best to fix my phone,
As for your ex he may agree your dad is bad but you wanted sympathy/ hug/ etc etc and he failed to deliver...abusive parents make us often pick same partners hence my advice for therapy

Original poster
Bleurghghghgh · 19/04/2017 21:12

Your ex sounds realistic. What happened with your dad? Could you have put him in jail? Is your ex fed up with ongoing issues between you and your dad? Is that why he's being unsympathetic? Is there a back story here?

Answering you king as you've asked what other people have asked combined

Various childhood things. Never any physical abuse, all emotional. Usual 'stately homes' stuff. No way I could have got him jailed nor would I have wanted to. He probably is fed up, yes, but he went NC with his parents shortly after I met and I've often felt he a) thinks I should too (which is fine) but b) resented me for not doing so which is not fine.
He is angry for me and has just sent another email saying that, but that's not much help to me right now. I'm angry too, I wish I hadn't gone to the stupid wedding, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I just wanted a bit of sympathy.

OP posts:
zen1 · 19/04/2017 21:13

Sounds like you and your ex broke up over issues with your dad being abusive. Has he always been abusive towards you?

Original poster
Bleurghghghgh · 19/04/2017 21:15

*I think your ex is pointing out the obvious, and sounds like he has reached the end of his tether with this particular issue so it's probably happened a lot. I think he is doing you a favour tbh and spelling it out to you and you should really take note of his advice about your dad.

I tell my DCs if they do X they may get hurt. They do it, get hurt, I point out I have no sympathy as I warned them. Same thing on a different scale.*

I've not mentioned my dad to him, even in passing, for over 6 months. Prior to that we'd not spoken for a year. And even if he were at the end of his tether, am I not at the end of mine after what happened today? I didn't need someone to tell me that what he'd done was wrong and I'm an idiot for allowing it, I needed someone to tell me it was all going to be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleurghghghgh · 19/04/2017 21:16

Sounds like you and your ex broke up over issues with your dad being abusive. Has he always been abusive towards you?

We didn't. We broke up because he decided he didn't love me any more.
And yes but emotionally, never psychically.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2017 21:17

Bleurghghghgh your father sounds like a terrible persojn.

"It wasn't particularly aggressive, if that makes sense." It doesn't. If he had accidently pushed you over then that would make sense and should be followed by profuse apologies but the fact he "...was angry but not uncontrollably so." Suggests that it may not have been a total accident and that you have become quite accepting of people, men him, being angry with you/angry in general.

This is not your fault at all.

"We were round the corner away from everyone else and when I went back in, trying not to cry, was met by dirty looks by him as if daring me to say something. This was hours ago now and I'm still so upset and angry"

So not only did he not apologize but he also tried (succeeded) in making you feel bad for feeling bad at being knocked over and not having an adequate apology.

Your ex doesn't sound very nice, why are you considering getting back with him?

I really would like to suggest you need genuine empathy and not sympathy.

[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw]

You sound like you may have had a tough time wiuth your dad and maybe you would benefit from talking about it with pepopel who have experiecen thsi, perhaps consellng.

Charley50 · 19/04/2017 21:17

I'm shocked your dad got you.. That's awful. Sounds like your ex can't comprehend why you spend any time at all around your dad.
I only saw my dad once a year as soon as I became an adult. Does your dad have any redeeming traits?

Original poster
Bleurghghghgh · 19/04/2017 21:18

I'm not sure why I posted this in AIBU rather than chat but am beginning to regret doing that.

I have a headache.

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/04/2017 21:18

If someone I care about, ex or old friend rang me to say they had your day I'd be caring ( NOT angry) supportive and either come round or ring later yo heck they were ok
I really don't like your ex 's response to you it isn't kind or caring

wheresthel1ght · 19/04/2017 21:18

your ex was a twit for not sending you hugs but he has a huge point about your dad. there is only so much standing by and hand holding you can do for someone involved in an abusive relationship who won't help themselves.

yes you have had a shitty day but sounds to me you need someone to stop telling you it is ok and start telling you do get it sorted

Charley50 · 19/04/2017 21:19

Hit you. Not got you.

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2017 21:20

Please ask for this to be moved to chat, you can do that, just report the thread to Mumsnet and ask for it to be moved.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 19/04/2017 21:21

I want to give you a big hug and aspirin
I've been in your shoes
It is in no way normal for your dad to hurt you because you were upset over your broken phone
You have been abused and it is in no way your fault

NancyWake · 19/04/2017 21:22

I think both your dad and your ex are twats are different ways.

Today is a good insight that ex doesn't really do support or understanding very well.

With a dad like that I can understand why your expectations would be low.

You deserve better than both of them frankly,

AmysTiara · 19/04/2017 21:22

That's definitely a shit day bleur. But have a nice bath, eat some chocolate, don't contact your ex, watch some tv and have an early night.

Tomorrow is another day and will be better. Cake

Original poster
Bleurghghghgh · 19/04/2017 21:23

Your ex should stay an ex. He's right about your dad but he's also a nasty piece of work himself.

I'm really interested in how you (and others who said the same) have worked that out - it was my first thought on receiving his email but I assumed that was because I know him. It's probably one of those things that if this were someone else's thread I'd immediately 'get' but don't because its my own...

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 19/04/2017 21:27

Repost your OP in Relationships and you'll get lots of sympathetic and very wise advice.

It is my impression from what you have posted that you would lead a happier life if you were able to access some therapy/counselling to address how much you value yourself, what treatment you accept from others and how you chose the people who you allow to share your life.

Yes, you had a day that made you feel awful and I am sorry about that Thanks.
But trying to answer the question 'why?' do you feel quite as bad may go some way to making you happier in the long run IYSWIM.

SmileEachDay · 19/04/2017 21:28

I think it's impossible to judge your ex on just that text. It is clear that there's a massive back story with both your dad and any involvement your ex has had with that relationship.

Your dad's a twat btw. I wouldn't be speaking to him again. It's up to you where you put your own boundarie though.

Take some piriton if you have any, always makes me nod off if I'm having trouble sleeping.

Fortheloveofdog · 19/04/2017 21:33

Ok, I think that you have low self esteem and do not value yourself enough due to your father's behaviour towards you. This manifests itself by you thinking that people not treating you well is expected / normal. Hence the ex - and people reading his attitude in the way they have done.
He is ex for a reason, don't go back. Distance yourself from your Dad, and stop tolerating his disgusting behaviour and treatment of you. Start standing up for yourself. Find out about the freedom program, and work on yourself and being happy. Happiness and confidence build each other.

I don't say this lightly. I have a massively complicated relationship with my own father due to emotional abuse and violence. Please be kind to yourself, and be mad not sad. You haven't done wrong, your Dad has, those are his issues to face not yours Flowers

Trollspoopglitter · 19/04/2017 21:35

He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you in his life, but you call him up and expect sympathy (and are pissed off you don't get it)?!

If you were a guy, you'd be told to leave your ex alone, and murmurs of stalkerish behaviour and hoping your ex blocks you thrown in.

Honestly - he's an ex. He's decided he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Find sympathy from family or friends and stop contacting him with your needs.