To feel pissed off at my husbands attitide towards our home?!

[Dumbo412]

Today was the final straw, he took his car to get scrapped, walked home and trod oil onto the hallway carpet. It's so far been me and only me who has tried to get it out and I'm quietly fuming about it. I have anxiety about dirty carpets. No idea why but I do.

This all rests on other things.

The house hasn't been standing very long, in fact I've lived here for less than five months.

But still, in this time the kitchen cupboard has come off in my hand, he refuses to fix it.

The hallway is all dinged from when he tried to move the sofa through the hall and up the stairs.

Every bloody toilet seat in the house is broken.

The radiator in the hall was also knocked off the wall in the process of moving the sofa.

I also have only two sets of curtains up in the house (8 more sets to go) and not one solitary light shade.

Stuff that needed to go in the loft when we moved in was never moved up so the spare room that I intended on having as a dressing room is a junk room, and I have toolboxes is both the office and my bedroom.

Oh and I also have no mirrors up in the house either.

It doesn't feel homely and I'm pissed off with feeling like we've still just moved in.

Fwiw and so I don't drip feed, every issue he could sort. He's a builder and actually oversaw the build of the house we live in so it's not like he doesn't have the ability to do these things, and in fact would lose his shit if I saw it as something I wanted to do.

Maybe I'm being a cow, but I want a house to look nice and feel like home, but it doesn't. I fucking hate this house. I hate it.

Sounds to me like you need to order a replacement husband. This one clearly isn't doing his job properly...

I think people are being unfair. Yes you can do things yourself but of course you want your husband to respect the house (and your feelings!) and lift a hand to help. If he' a builder - all the more so!

I'd be furious if my husband cared so little about the house, and if he walked inside with shoes on I'd divorce him.

As an aside, Why do people even have carpets? They are disgusting, esp in a country where people are liable to walk inside with shoes on. Can't you rip them up and have wooden floors?

YANBU. Read him the RIOT ACT

Ohidoliketobe- not so much wife and husband skills, it would work the opposite way if I had any DIY ability and he could cook. It just turns out I'm a bit more bothered about food and general cleanliness of the house than he is.

The way it works is quite similar to how it is at his parents, his father does v little around the house but does to the dishes of an evening. I don't want DH to do that. Just DIY and I don't think it comes up that often once the initial bits are done.

Cessj- thank you. I think you get what I'm getting at!

I can spend a day hanging something to be told I've done it wrong,

Well, if he got off his arse and did the job, he wouldn't have to endure your version of it, however wrong he deems it to be.

He sounds like a bit of an arsehole, mind. Not a good thing to find out just after you've bought a house with him. Does he diss you about everything?

User- no idea at all! They are crap the top keeps falling off, and I ripped my finger up on one the other day! I'm sure they are the cheapest things that could be found!

Ah, see I've never got further than a butter knife. Ashamed to admit that!

Amaranthie- I'd like to keep him, he just needs fixing!

You are right about carpets, I wanted them so the house was homely. Big mistake!

Pickachew- admittedly that isn't his finest quality. I promise he's about 90% good. I don't think he means to be so negative a lot of the time. He's quite aghast when it's pointed out to him how he comes across.

Complain to the developers? It shouldn't have been handed over if it's that shit? They'll have a legacy department that should deal with just that. There are laws about the shape houses should be in when they're handed over.

I can't do DIY either

The lampshades I could manage, but not anything else

There's only me and DC here so things that need done just don't

I can't afford to pay anyone either

Yes to doing stuff like curtains etc but he really should be repairing the stuff he has broken/ scuffed / ruined eith carelessness. So I suspect he is generally a bit careless and understand why that pisses you off. It is a trait that annoys me in adults and kids.

Don't builders have snagging lists for newbuilds? Things like kitchens falling apart almost immediately would surely be covered in the guarantee, as some clumsiness with hinge fitting would be implicated, here?

I know how to do a lot of DIY, but sadly, my rubber chicken hands don't want to cooperate, these days.

I highly recommend Heritage loo seats, very good quality, I only have one because I couldn't justify buying a Lefroy Brooks loo seat!

Dumbo412 18 years of marriage and I'm still having to repeatedly ask husband to do things that seem so elementary to anyone else, or to me, at any rate, like if you are going to assign yourself dish washing duties, then you also need to do the saucepans, and not leave them for me to do after I've spent time cooking our meal. When you've finished, wipe down the countertops and empty the washing up bowl so that the filthy water isn't sitting there overnight. It's really not that hard to understand and do...

Moving homes is recognised as one of the biggest stressors there is - and having moved homes and relocated overseas and back, mostly on my own, I know the truth of this. Right now, I'm sitting in what should be my living room, hedged in by packing boxes and barrels and suitcases. The rest of the house is the same. I have lost the will to unpack and wash and place things in their rightful places after a third overseas move in as many years. Husband is still in the UK for work purposes and hasn't had to deal with any of this. His input is the occasional message telling me how great it's coming along, despite my telling him that I haven't unpacked a box in weeks and that it's all I can do to just to get my work done, as well as keeping on top of the domestic stuff, and project managing renovations. He visits every so often, lounges around on the veranda all day and tells me what a great job I'm doing. His contract is now finished and he could come over but instead he tells me he needs to be in the UK as he's job hunting. Never mind that he hasn't had a nibble of interest from any of his job applications and that he could just as easily jobhunt from here - he got his last UK contract while he was visiting me in yet another country in which I was working.

Apologies for my digressions but ultimately, the point I'm trying to make is that we too easily let men out of their responsibilities, and out of frustration, we tend to take on the jobs they should be doing because they don't prioritise them, and end up adding to our own burdens, and doing them ourselves in order to be able to live in a comfortable home - which they then get to enjoy the benefits of.

Do what you're able to, and what you feel willing to do, learn DIY skills if that's what YOU want to do, but just don't absolve him of his responsibilities.

Moving homes is recognised as one of the biggest stressors there is - and having moved homes and relocated overseas and back, mostly on my own, I know the truth of this

That's true. DH and I have been together 8 years and moved no fewer than 14 times, including across 3 different countries. I'm surprised we're still talking. We move again next week! Maybe that's why I'm good at DIY...
OP I'm with you on the crappy new build. We're renting one currently and the quality is awful. We also somehow have 3 broken toilet seats! We also haven't had a working tap in the downstairs toilet for 9 months, and have called the builders about it over 20 times. They haven't even been out to look at it.

My partner does the majority of diy, if I put my mind to it I can do it myself. Hanging curtains/fixing a toilet seat isn't hard work.
If you bought from a developer contact them directly. Bypass him completely. Not sure if they will fix cupboard doors but worth a try.
If you don't want to do the work call a handyman, it would be no more than a few hours work for a competent tradesman.
The carpet would piss me right off!

Depending on how long ago the house was built you could ask the builders to fix the toilet seats and cupboard doors.
Most builders give two years for snagging. We did the initial snagging with the site manager the day we got the keys, they were rectified. As the house settled more snags appeared which were sorted out by them.
One of our mirrors weighs a ton, it took two men to put it up, DH and a friend of his. It's held up by steel wire. Three strong bolt things support the wire. There is no way that I could have done it.
I can put curtains up but not the curtain poles.

I hear you! We built our own house .... 2 years from moving in we still have no curtains in our bedroom! & I would do it myself, except that OH is such a fricking control freak that I wouldn't be worth the row! Apart from that I am useless at stuff like that - it's not about what is a mans job/vs woman's job .. I'm just crap and have no clue about doing things like that. It'd be a disaster. Some DIY I can & will do, but I do know my limits. I go through peaks and troughs of frustration. I'm in a 'coping with it/resigned to it' phase at the moment - next week I'll probably be gnawing my arm off with frustration!!

Not read through all the posts, but my fella is like this, I ended up fitting a hall and stair carpet when I was 6 months pregnant!, I cant tell you how angry I was about having to do that!

Hi Dumbo412 most of the jobs you have listed are not even particularly DIY jobs, the spare room could be cleared out fairly easily and things moved up to the loft without the help of your DH?

The curtains etc are easier with two people but could be done on your own if necessary (or enlist a willing helper!!)

I do agree with Cessj that your DH probably could and should do these things as he would find them much easier however as it is clearly affecting you so much having to live like that it might be better just to crack on and do them for your own peace of mind

The oil on the carpet though would be unforgivable as that to me was just utter disrespect for both you and you home. Hope you get sorted soon

It is about respect, respect for your home and therefore you. Side step the issue in the short term. Write yourself a list of all the jobs that need doing and a hire a handyman for a day or two. My DH isn't quite so bad......The spot light by his seat on his sofa 'went' at the beginning on the Easter weekend; it gradually dawned on me that he hadn't been reading the paper as he usually does for hours on end, he'd taken to watching the TV in the dark. I checked the light yesterday bulb OK , fuse OK, the 'touch it' switch had gone, beyond my DIY skills, so I moved (i.e. unplug, picked up and plugged in again) the spot light from the other end of his sofa FOR HIM!

Some of this stuff is an actual problem (he should probably get in the habit of removing outside shoes before entering since you chose carpet and gave issues with carpet, he should be careful moving furniture around and he should fix the radiator) but most of it you could have sorted yourself in a few hours. Unless the cupboard is badly broken and not just fallen off all it should take is a few screws and possibly a new hinge. Putting up curtains and light shades is fast and easy. As is hanging mirrors. I'm not sure why it's only his problem that you both haven't unpacked properly. You can move some boxes surely. And the toilet seats will literally take a few minutes to replace. None of this is DIY, it's all just extremely basic home maintenance.

It bothers you. You can very easily fix it in a day. You're choosing to live like this because you've decided the basic tasks that go with home ownership aren't for you. If that's how you feel that's fine, but know that you're responsible for your own discomfort.