Need a handhold and some kind advice

[emptybatteries]

-nc but a regular and posting here for traffic-

Please be very gentle - I am very delicate right now.

Background DH and I have been married 5 years this year, together for 13 years. During our time as a couple we travelled a bit, had a good life and had no ties so to speak. It was always known I may have fertility issues and with DH being older, we had discussed children and the possibly of some, none or adoption.

After a few years of being married we decided we would try for a family and I fell pregnant incredibly quickly. Our son was born 10 months after we began trying.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a good few years, predating my son. It reared its ugly head about 2 months after he was born and I went to my GP who just put me back on my old tablets. I was also diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. I had times where I didn't feel connected to our son, whilst I would lay myself on the line for him I watched from a distance - preferred to be on the outside watching. Looking back I think I had PND that was missed. When he was around 18m old I went and saw my GP and queried PND but it was brushed to the side and I was given a leafleat for the local IAPT services. It took a while to get onto their stress course which i engaged in and i found myself slipping again not long after. A few medication changes, assessment for counselling, attendance at a wellbeing course and I felt ok. But I could feel myself slipping again. Finding myself short of temper with everyone, not just our son.

My husband has told me before he was struggling and that having a child who seems to never be happy, plus me is a struggle. And I get that. I really do. He told me he didnt know why he bothered with hi family and sometimes felt like walking and keeping on going. I get that too.

This weekend gone I have spent time with DS and whilst enjoying his comapny have found it tough going, particularly with my husband who is on edge and wound tight. There have been shouts, tears, tantrums. My husband even said, albeit whilst upset, frustrated and cross that DS is ruining our lives. Again I get his sentiment. There was a time we may aswell have not bothered to plan things - even a simple trip to the park would have tantrums, tears, meltdowns. we ended up feeling like we may aswell just stay in the house as going out was too much for us all.

Granted this weekend DS was poorly with a rotten cold.

I am so stuck as to how to help this situation. I've asked DH to go to the Drs and he said he will when he is ready. I want so much to help him like he helped me but I'm lost.

I suggested yesterday that we change our approach with DS and instead of getting cross, re-introduce the thinking spot and ask him to do something, telling him consequences if he doesnt and then carrying those through if needed. This seemed to really get through to our son which made for a much more pleasant day all round. Nursery tell us DS is very intelligent (they have moved him to preschool 6 months early) and I think this accounts for a lot of the behaviours we experience. Yesterday we played with him - low level energy games but engaged most of the day, I baked with him. We also did not have Cbeebies on at night, instead having a nursery rhyme video with ample warnings of bedtime approaching and when it did, he happily toddled off without any input from us.

I just feel like I am failing. I want to help my husband and son and have a happy family life. I don't know where I'm going wrong....

Hi OP, I get, I really do. My three are all at school now and I feel like I've got my life back. With regards to your DS wanting crisps/sweets/tv etc can I suggest that instead of just saying no that you either offer an alternative or compromise. Like 'eat all your cucumber first then you can have a biscuit for pudding' or 'let's watch a bit of telly later after we've been to the park' etc etc. What this does is creates a distraction that diffuses the battle of wills resulting in a horrible tantrum, and often by the time they've eaten their cucumber, been to the park etc the original demand is forgotten. It is unbelievably hard work having young children and tests you in ways you can't believe but you will get through it and it will get easier I promise

You are not failing

I completely relate to your situation. Can I recommend an excellent book for you? Please pay no attention to the title but its called, 'The Explosive Child' by Ross W Greene. I detest self help and parenting books but I am reading it right now for helping me with parenting my 9 year old. I have 2 DSs and this book is applicable for all kids IMO.

Be kind to yourself and be encouraged.
You are not alone.

I really dont know what to do. My husband is at the end of his teather what with other things too and is resorting to shouting at our son, which I dont always agree is the best thing. Last night for instance, he did this and they both just ended up upset and shouting.

And I am the one who DS knows he can push and get his way.

Do any of you use reward charts and if so, how?

I don't think reward charts are the answer to anything really.

If a child gets that they shouldn't do something and they are still doing it, then you need to find out why - not bribe them to stop.

For one thing the bribes will escalate until you end up back at square one.

Sometimes kids need to shout and cry to deal with the thousand small daily aggravations. Ideally you want to find a way to let your DS get that out, without it becoming an emotionally laden high stakes event for the adults too.

(adults need to shout and cry to deal with the aggravations of having a child too - but they need to do that away from the child in their own time)

Have you tried relay teaming / tag wrestling?

When DD and DH get to loggerheads, DH tags me in and steps away to calm down. I continue to take the battering, until I feel I am going to start shouting back, and I tag DH back in.

Often, only one switch is necessary because if DD is steadfastly refusing to do her teeth with DH, she is often find doing it with me.

A frequent pattern is that I hear thunder rumbling over bedtime routine, get involved and do the bedtime routine with no problems, then thunder starts over me getting DD into bed and DH swirls in and has her in bed and sleeping no problem.

A change of scene is all that's required to de-escalate.

Sorry I meant to add, that you seem to have a strong feeling that your DS is doing this on purpose with the goal of achieving something.

That almost certainly isn't true.

I'm not sure exactly how old he is, but my DD is nearly 6, and there is no way in which she is doing things 'just to get her own way' even now.

When she kicks off it is because she has gotten panicky or distressed, or angry due to a build up of stress during the day.

I've recently realised that around 90% of issues at the moment are actually down to her feeling of insecurity. She doesn't want to be on her own at all at the moment and she really HATES that this is limiting her freedom to even move around her own house. She fights us because of the terrible feelings of anger, fear, frustration she has inside. She does NOT fight us because she wants to get her own way.

This is massively more true the younger your child is.

Morphene - I think we do really. last night for instance I went to see to our son, after seeing if he would settle on his own. He was shouting for a lollipop and I explained no he couldnt have one and it was nighttime. DH then came down aftr DS got upset and continued to shout (DS' bedroom is downstairs) and shouted at him that he had been told he wasnt having a lolly and to go to bed as it was nighttime. I then stepped in and calmed it down a bit and DS got onto the sofabed with DH and went to sleep.

I've tried to show Dh that talking firmly but calmly works better with DS but I think DH is really struggling - his comment in the night was along the lines of I've fucking had enough of this shit, resulting in all sweets, lollys and junk food being banned from now on.

How old is your ds?

Reward charts work by giving a sticker for expected behaviour. but the behaviour has to be something a child can reasonably do at their age. So I started one when my dc was 4 so they would stay in bed. We designed it together. I explained they got a sticker every time they stayed in bed until I got up. When they got four I would get a little toy or book for them. It worked because they are ready to do it and I didn't punish in any way if they didn't stay in bed. They just had to wait an extra day for their sticker. The stickers did not have to be collected on consecutive nights, it didn't matter how long it took to get 4 they still got the prize. They actually worked it out really quickly and I didn't need to do it for long.

What behaviour do you want to reward and how old is yours ds?

He's 2y8m and just being good - if I say no, then he accepts it.

All kids do the 'I want' at bed time - best approach is ignore
Hold their hand take them back to bed

No speaking no shouting no sweets

Yes it's hard when you just want them in bed - but this works

If he comes in the living room - ignore him - after a minute take his hand and lead him to bed - DO NOT carry him - that is also a reward

Lasts 3 nights - try it

Its not just at night time though Astro I really cannot cope with this anymore

I understand that

You need to address one battle at a time - bed time is a big one

You are also battling your DH he's not on your side - I know I had one!

It takes them a long time to get into parenting and at the moment you are doing it all falling in your knees

You need your DH on board first

And your son knows he isn't!

Make a plan as PP have suggested

DH takes him out on Saturday afternoon - or you do - the remaining parent cleans up

Sunday is a swap day him AM you PM

And please reduce your standards at home it's a short time while they are little so it really doesn't matter

Well the sticker chart won't work as he's too young. You can use it when he's a bit older maybe 3 but even then it may be a bit early.

At 2 and a half really it is about instant reward. And by reward just a big show off how good he is when he does what you ask. But actually you are going to get lots of ' no ' at this age. I get in before them.i explain what is about to happen briefly and won't they be a good boy if they do such and such. That way they know what the expected behaviour is before they chose what they are going to do.

If you haven't got any one to copy it can be hard to know how to do it. Can you find a parenting class? They'll give you lots of tactics and advice on what is normal at this age and make you feel a bit more confident about what you're doing.

Are he grandparents giving him the sweets etc? They need to be on board with your parenting.

As tough as it is, positive parenting is the only way to go IMO. Praising for all the good stuff and trying to ignore or absolutely minimal notice of the bad. I found it transformative. Ok, you may have to fake the happy mummy bit at the beginning but you do soon feel loads better as you escape the endless negative spiral

Having said all of that he's only 2 so you have to expect some challenges. Try to agree strategies with dh and GPS. It really helps if you all work together.

And yes, it gets so much better. Finally, estimate how many minutes of a day are spent with tantrums and cross words vs smiles and fun. You have to expect some of the former. If it's above 70% decent then you are achieving an 'A'.

I don't think any of this comes naturally. Some people are lucky their parents were taught all the tricks of confident and nurturing parenting. Some of us didn't have that. So we have to look else where. I had a mil who taught me some stuff.

Distraction was the big one actually. When they start losing the plot you need to snap them out of it using something totally different.

Bed time routine is a long routine of calm and a bit of singing, then a story. In my experience it feels like it can go on forever but it's all about switching off their minds. When you finish singing and the story you say goodnight and then let them go off to sleep without any more talk from you.

My parents are/were great parents. I just seem to be doing a shit job. How my Mum coped with me, god only knows.

Ah fuck, name change fail

www.parentinguk.org/canparent/parenting-courses/

Just Googled this but you may find one through your local children centre where you went to get your little one weighed when they were a baby

You think you're doing a shit job. You just need a bit of reassurance and pointers like we all do.

Thanks x

I second what Nacho said.

There is a fantastic course run where I live for parents of 3 to 8 year olds. Its called 'The Incredible Years'. My Husband and I did this course for 12 weeks. We gained some tips and useful suggestions but more than anything, we felt encouraged and reassured about our parenting and that was worth its weight in gold. In fact, I am about to do another course with them, 'The Teenage Brain'. I don't have a teenager yet but I am sure it will creep up on me fast.

This courses are free and usually provided by your local health visitor team.

Good luck xx

I have had a quick look and nothing in our area :( I have left a mess\age for our HV to give me a call. She came to see me when DS was around 2 as I wasn't still am not coping all that well.

Do you mind saying what geographic location you are? I can try to help. Your HV should be able to. X

Slaaarty West Yorkshire