Need a handhold and some kind advice

[emptybatteries]

-nc but a regular and posting here for traffic-

Please be very gentle - I am very delicate right now.

Background DH and I have been married 5 years this year, together for 13 years. During our time as a couple we travelled a bit, had a good life and had no ties so to speak. It was always known I may have fertility issues and with DH being older, we had discussed children and the possibly of some, none or adoption.

After a few years of being married we decided we would try for a family and I fell pregnant incredibly quickly. Our son was born 10 months after we began trying.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a good few years, predating my son. It reared its ugly head about 2 months after he was born and I went to my GP who just put me back on my old tablets. I was also diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. I had times where I didn't feel connected to our son, whilst I would lay myself on the line for him I watched from a distance - preferred to be on the outside watching. Looking back I think I had PND that was missed. When he was around 18m old I went and saw my GP and queried PND but it was brushed to the side and I was given a leafleat for the local IAPT services. It took a while to get onto their stress course which i engaged in and i found myself slipping again not long after. A few medication changes, assessment for counselling, attendance at a wellbeing course and I felt ok. But I could feel myself slipping again. Finding myself short of temper with everyone, not just our son.

My husband has told me before he was struggling and that having a child who seems to never be happy, plus me is a struggle. And I get that. I really do. He told me he didnt know why he bothered with hi family and sometimes felt like walking and keeping on going. I get that too.

This weekend gone I have spent time with DS and whilst enjoying his comapny have found it tough going, particularly with my husband who is on edge and wound tight. There have been shouts, tears, tantrums. My husband even said, albeit whilst upset, frustrated and cross that DS is ruining our lives. Again I get his sentiment. There was a time we may aswell have not bothered to plan things - even a simple trip to the park would have tantrums, tears, meltdowns. we ended up feeling like we may aswell just stay in the house as going out was too much for us all.

Granted this weekend DS was poorly with a rotten cold.

I am so stuck as to how to help this situation. I've asked DH to go to the Drs and he said he will when he is ready. I want so much to help him like he helped me but I'm lost.

I suggested yesterday that we change our approach with DS and instead of getting cross, re-introduce the thinking spot and ask him to do something, telling him consequences if he doesnt and then carrying those through if needed. This seemed to really get through to our son which made for a much more pleasant day all round. Nursery tell us DS is very intelligent (they have moved him to preschool 6 months early) and I think this accounts for a lot of the behaviours we experience. Yesterday we played with him - low level energy games but engaged most of the day, I baked with him. We also did not have Cbeebies on at night, instead having a nursery rhyme video with ample warnings of bedtime approaching and when it did, he happily toddled off without any input from us.

I just feel like I am failing. I want to help my husband and son and have a happy family life. I don't know where I'm going wrong....

ClarkWGriswold Part time is not an option at present.

I must say i was proud of myself at the weekend - we did swimming, cinema, bun making.... lots of unmumsy stuff

I suggested yesterday that we change our approach with DS and instead of getting cross, re-introduce the thinking spot and ask him to do something, telling him consequences if he doesnt and then carrying those through if needed. This seemed to really get through to our son which made for a much more pleasant day all round. Nursery tell us DS is very intelligent (they have moved him to preschool 6 months early) and I think this accounts for a lot of the behaviours we experience. Yesterday we played with him - low level energy games but engaged most of the day, I baked with him. We also did not have Cbeebies on at night, instead having a nursery rhyme video with ample warnings of bedtime approaching and when it did, he happily toddled off without any input from us.

This sounds to me like you are doing the very opposite of failing! It sounds like you have worked out what some of the issues are, implemented some really sensible changes, and seen an improvement. Go you!! Keep doing this, and encourage your DH to go to the GP. It's understandable that he's unwilling, but it's not fair when that impacts on you and DS.

I think my DH would just like some time to himself Twinchaos1 I think it becomes a bone of contention because I explain he does have time to himself - unlike me. Once DS is in bed he will pursue his hobby and I will be tidying, making things ready for the next day etc.

I would just like more time!

And yes, housework etc on top of work and childcare.

yellowfrog Thank you :)

empty there is nothing wrong with you or your family, you have all just been missold parenting by the media and society in general.

A survey was done that indicated that having your first child was a destructive to you happiness on average as having a divorce AND becoming unemployed combined.

You aren't imagining it, it really is that tough and that miserable.

The good news is that it does genuinely get better. You rebound (slowly sometimes) and manage to end up in a situation where things are nowhere near as dreadful as in the first few years.

I still slightly regret having a child, it was the wrong decision for me - but I had no way to know that at the time, so now it is just a matter of doing the best I can going forward, and trying not to let the guilt throttle me, well not more than once a week anyway.

I hope you can make some changes that will improve your quality of life!

emptybatteries no problem :)

It sounds like you are doing your level best to keep everyone happy, while DH isn't really pulling his weight. You're not doing anything wrong at all - it sounds like your DH hasn't adapted that well to the fact that when you have kids, you have less time for hobbies. Can you discuss a more equal division of labour with him?

Morphene Would you link that study for me - I';m sure it would be a very interesting read.

yellowfrog I am a bit of a control freak and like things just so. I like to take care of certain things and it just annoys me if its wrong. I'm allowing him time to himself because he has said in the recent past he feels he doesnt get any him time. Give him his due, he has a labour intense job whereas Im sat on my arse all day so I don't mind so much. Recently I did say it drove me nuts how he would just disappear upstairs and how it's basic manners to say if you're going to do something else and he does this now.

here is the thing I read www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?utm_term=.b7c04c41d374

There are more recent studies that indicate the above might be a bit simplistic - but just google 'happiness parenthood' and have a trawl.

Thank you

Time off is bloody hard to get with work and small kids. I know mumsnet hates, get a cleaner, but even once a fortnight can help claw back some time, if you take that time back as your own. You are as entitled to time off as your DH.

Your DH has signed up to having his old life trashed when he had a kid, his new life can be good too but it isn't going to be the one he had before.
It does sound like parenting wise you are working really hard and making lots of good progress so I wouldn't beat yourself up about that.

It might be useful to point out to your DH, that his reaction is pretty normal as it goes too. He probably suffers less guilt for feeling like an unappreciative parent because the gender stereotype is less against him, but he still probably hates that he feels that way, when in reality it is a very common experience, and nothing to feel guilt over.

Twinchaos1 I think we both didnt realise it woul happen so fast and how much our loives would change. There are moments we both wouldnt change it for the world and other moments we would love to run a mile and never come back. It is only lately he has opened up to me about how he feels - he doesn't discuss stuff. Never has.

The media are shit in their picket fence stereotypes of families....

I think you're trying to do too much and also expecting too much of yourself and of being a parent.
It's tempting (especially if you like being in control) to take responsibility for everything running smoothly but ultimately you can't make your DH have a 'happy family life'.
Parenting is hard and tiring. You need to try to let go of some of the responsibility for carrying everything and everyone. You need a break and if your DH can't see that then you need to tell him, ring-fence time for yourself and stick to those boundaries. If all the household work is falling to you, then consider getting a cleaner or getting DH to pull his weight. You're not being selfish to demand space. You're safeguarding your health and the family's stability.

There was no way for you to know in advance how it would be, because a lot of how it is is down to the specific child you have. I didn't have the same parenting experience with my child with sensory processing issues, as my sister had with her child that appears to be part unicorn or something, and basically shits rainbows as well as fitting in perfectly with her previous life from the get go

So as well as being lied to about the 'joys of parenting' you also have a unique set of hurdles to over come.

It is also important to not believe anything anyone else says about their parenting experience....because hardly anyone will say out loud the kind of things I've said on this thread.

You sound like you are doing everything you can to feel better. Don't be so tough on yourself! I've worked full-time and been a SAHM.....both sides of that coin has it's advantages and problems. For me, the weekends were an issue in that I felt I was doing everything, and honestly. I felt burnt out.

Our dc's are older now, but I remember dp and I used to do things like take dc's out (wear them out) and literally pencil in a 'posh dinner night' when kids were in bed (usually some fancy oven ready thing) and open some bubbly. No tv, phones, just music food and fizz.

Also....'Alone time'......my god, your post has just jogged this memory! I wouldn't have survived without it. Whilst dp had his hobby, every few weeks I would take myself of with a little money (maybe 50 quid maximum) and browse the shops, get a coffee, a cheap top, lippy ect. On those odd days dp would be responsible for childcare, bathing and cooking dinner.

It made a HUGE difference to feeling like 'me' again. Other times I'd arrange for friends to come round (with kids) and put out nibbles and drinks, films for the kids, beer for the 'dads' ect, simply to get my dp to socialise (which can be hard with little ones).

Anyway, it's a bit of a shocker having children as it feels like your life has so completely changed, your relationships become compromised. And when they are little, leaving the house can be a ball-ache. Hand on heart....I think I have only been in a supermarket twice in the last 10yrs as I still remember the bloody nightmare of taking little ones food shopping. Shudder.

Picket fences are nonsense!, you aren't wrong.
Are there other parents at work you can talk to? I find it helpful doing this as it helps me realise that my life, exhaustion levels and parenting fails are pretty normal and everyone else has their own version.

I love him to death. I'd do anything for him and it's only in the last 6 months Ive felt that glow for him. Even before I'd do anything for him but didnt have that glow. Bust there are times I just want to tell him to go and play on the nearest motorway and am counting the minutes to bedtime. Then there's moments where I've just melted like when he tells you he loves you.

I know we often say we'd rather than a child who is independent, fierce, their own person than some other children we have seen who literally need their parents to tell them to breathe before they'll do it without permission/encouragement but my fucking god, he exhausts me!

SongforSal we dont ever go to the supermarket Im too lazy because it used to cause such meltdowns and panics for me.

I have started swimming once a week and this has helped a lot. In that time Im out DH tidies the house and puts DS to bed and I must say, he will often takeover if he sees me becoming frazzled.

Twinchaos1 I have a close friend with whom I talk a lot to. She has a DD a few months older than mine and also suffers with some of the things that I do. It helps.

With regards to your approach to your son's behaviour; using the thinking spot, consequences, limiting screen time etc (which all sounds sensible!) I think it's important that he has continuity.

You say he spends a least 2 days a week with his grandparents so I think it's worth them using a similar approach and not giving mixed signals. Children thrive and feel happier and more secure with routine and strong boundaries.

And as mentioned, it will get easier

Second what yellowfrog says.You are doing the very opposite of failing.You put every effort in to doing lovely, calming family thigs with your child.

However the day panned out, that is great parenting.

*family THINGS. Jaffa cake smear on my damn phone

Do you have anyone to babysit emptybatteries? Sometimes a night of is great. How you're feeling is pretty common, you are not alone! Plus PND is a bastard of the highest order. The fact your swimming, baking, worried about this stuff shows you are a great Mum. Your Dp should speak to the Dr though. My Dp 'got' (as I like to refer to it) a touch of depression when the youngest was 6! All family related i'm sure x

op can you take your DS swimming too? I found that a very bonding activity with my child as you end up doing lots of holding and hugging. The water is calming and you can end up burning up hours of time, and then they are knackered and sleep afterwards.

Morning all. Shit awful night with DS. We are finding he's resisting a lot again, although he's still goin to bed easily. He is wanting crisps, sweets, lollies and kicks off hugely when we say no. Husband is getting cross because DS doesnt understand no means no. I feel like Im stuck in the middle.

It WILL get easier as you DS gets older. 2-3 is such a hard age, they are not old enough for you to sit back and relax and still need a lot of attention, adding in a job as well it is very easy to feel overwhelmed. However try to take pleasure in small acheivements (trip to the park, little walks, baking etc) lower your expectations, keep to a routine.
A child will change your life and limit what you can do for a while - but it isn't forever.
In relation to the holiday abroad, what was so bad, that you feel you can't do it, can these issues not be overcome, with some planning and managing of the situations, if you really want to go abroad?
When ours were very little we did short flights Majorca, Ibiza etc. These weren't our first choice of where we would have stayed but picked small resorts, again low expectations regarding trips and days out etc.
It is hard, but you will get through it.