to just give up on DS (15) getting an education and let him stay at home playing on his XBox all day?

[PorkyPandora]

He refused to go to school AGAIN today and I am sick of all this stress and worry . He was complaining last night (due to today being first day back after Easter hols) that he had a massive headache and was feeling 'crap' so I told him to go to bed. He was awake most of the night and this morning refused to get up saying he was ill. He is 6ft 3 and said he would run away if I made him.

We had arranged with school before the end of last term that he only goes in for mornings as he has had almost a month off as he was refusing to go to school and when he got there he was hiding in the toilets and missing lessons. GP signed him off with anxiety.

He has been referred to the Emotional Wellbeing Service but as he is not at risk of harm to himself or others, there will be a long wait and he won't engage with anyone about his feelings anyway.

He has severe learning difficulties combined with ADHD which has caused a lot of behavioural problems with repeated fixed term exclusions and threats of permanent expulsion. He is still working at least 4/5 years behind the average on paper and forecast to fail all his GCSE's, although his 6 year old brother is academically ahead of him so it's worse than that. He is a social outcast and even his twin brother won't hang with him as he does things to embarrass him.

I have tried to get him into a SEN school but it very unlikely that the LEA will agree to it. We have a long awaited meeting about this at the end of the week and I just know what the outcome will be. I'm not sure if an SEN school will be right for him anyway as his issues aren't as 'visible' as the other kids who attend there are and there is concern that he may be disruptive. Moving him to a new mainstream school will just be the same crap, different school.

I have had 10 years of this shit (since Reception) with calls from school, meetings, and feeling like I am being blamed for being a shit parent (have low self esteem anyway) because I just can't get him to 'conform' and I am at the end of my tether!

I have had to battle the system to get him extra help and I am just exhausted especially as he either won't or can't help himself. I understand why he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't want anyone to see him to take the piss out of him. We managed two days out during this school holiday and he insisted on wearing his big coat with the hood pulled up covering most of his face in hot sunshine, making himself even more visible, constantly saying he wanted to go home. If he could, he wouldn't leave the house.

I don't know what to do with him. 'Homeschool' him until he's 18 and then let him claim ESA with his DLA for the rest of his life? I want so much more for him and I dread to think how he's going to end up .

I would strongly suggest you contact SOS SEN or IPSEA to get some support with the SEN side of things. The LA really cannot contend that the current school is meeting your son's needs and they really ought to get a proper assessment done so that everyone concerned can get the right advice on precisely what would meet his needs. That might be a special school, or it might be home tuition by specialist teachers, but if he gets support focussed on what works with him he stands a much better chance of coming out of education with usable skills.

School is not working. Pull him out. Then do nothing for two months ' de-schooling' . After that use every form of bribery to get his functional maths and literacy level up, ignore all other sections of the curriculum, it will drive you only mildly short of potty but you can do it. Can he cross a road safely, use money? Can he negotiate social situations effectively ? I'm in a very similar position, though a few years behind you. I'm on a very long term plan. Join some HE groups online, you are sadly not alone. Stop feeling guilty, I understand it as I'm in a similar situation but, sorry to be harsh, you can't afford that guilt. Target your energy at the future.

Any chance your mp might help? Can he work with animals? He might not get as much support (?!) as an adult so you need to get things moving before he's 18.

Hi Op

I think you need to understand your rights, and take some action (I know you have, i mean with some knowledge) before your son is 16. After the end of compulsory school age he will be expected to have decision making rights around his EHCP although obviously the MCA 2005 will apply if he does not have capacity. Additionally at 16/17 LAs are expected to try to work with parents and young people.

His EHCP can go up to 25 years old if need be.

It should be reviewed every year and at this stage you can ask for changes to be made including placement. You can also ask to have an early review, for example if the current placement isn't working or there's a significant change in diagnosis.

If the LA do not agree (refusal to amend) you can appeal to the tribunal, and if not just on placement also go to mediation. This won't cost anything.

Please do not fall into a trap of thinking you have to accept what you are told is available.

Please look at www.ipsea.org as a starting point and consider talking to your SENDIAS

Pandora how did the meeting go?

Hope it went well.

He sounds quite similar to a boy I used to teach who just couldn't cope with mainstream school. His mum withdrew him to home ed in yr 9 and it was absolutely the best thing for him. I also taught his brother so still saw his mum at parents evening etc. She said he was like a different child, no stress etc and beginning to gain confidence and show an interest in going out to places. She was like a different person too, like a huge weight had been lifted from her.
I hope you can find a good outcome for him.