to just give up on DS (15) getting an education and let him stay at home playing on his XBox all day?

[PorkyPandora]

He refused to go to school AGAIN today and I am sick of all this stress and worry . He was complaining last night (due to today being first day back after Easter hols) that he had a massive headache and was feeling 'crap' so I told him to go to bed. He was awake most of the night and this morning refused to get up saying he was ill. He is 6ft 3 and said he would run away if I made him.

We had arranged with school before the end of last term that he only goes in for mornings as he has had almost a month off as he was refusing to go to school and when he got there he was hiding in the toilets and missing lessons. GP signed him off with anxiety.

He has been referred to the Emotional Wellbeing Service but as he is not at risk of harm to himself or others, there will be a long wait and he won't engage with anyone about his feelings anyway.

He has severe learning difficulties combined with ADHD which has caused a lot of behavioural problems with repeated fixed term exclusions and threats of permanent expulsion. He is still working at least 4/5 years behind the average on paper and forecast to fail all his GCSE's, although his 6 year old brother is academically ahead of him so it's worse than that. He is a social outcast and even his twin brother won't hang with him as he does things to embarrass him.

I have tried to get him into a SEN school but it very unlikely that the LEA will agree to it. We have a long awaited meeting about this at the end of the week and I just know what the outcome will be. I'm not sure if an SEN school will be right for him anyway as his issues aren't as 'visible' as the other kids who attend there are and there is concern that he may be disruptive. Moving him to a new mainstream school will just be the same crap, different school.

I have had 10 years of this shit (since Reception) with calls from school, meetings, and feeling like I am being blamed for being a shit parent (have low self esteem anyway) because I just can't get him to 'conform' and I am at the end of my tether!

I have had to battle the system to get him extra help and I am just exhausted especially as he either won't or can't help himself. I understand why he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't want anyone to see him to take the piss out of him. We managed two days out during this school holiday and he insisted on wearing his big coat with the hood pulled up covering most of his face in hot sunshine, making himself even more visible, constantly saying he wanted to go home. If he could, he wouldn't leave the house.

I don't know what to do with him. 'Homeschool' him until he's 18 and then let him claim ESA with his DLA for the rest of his life? I want so much more for him and I dread to think how he's going to end up .

I wouldn't just let him stay home and play consoles but there's a strong argument for taking him out of this system that focuses on everything he can't do. Course he won't want to go. It's not for him. But everyone has their strengths and he needs time and space and support to find his. It needn't be as complex and far off as games design. He just needs to start with the basics. Finding somewhere he fits in and feels accepted and belongs, and build from there. Whether that's a physical place - a local group as pp described or an SN school or a workplace where he can help out and feel useful - and/or an online place, chat forum or learning space, wherever he can start again and put all the pointless angst of school behind him. It's a tough age even when you're succeeding. No wonder he wants to hide away. And no wonder you're at the end of your tether. Good luck to you both.

My brother teaches in a mild LD school. Pupils there are similar to what you have described.

The ethos of the school is getting all the children to have the life skills to live fairly independently and hold down a stable, simple job. The school teaches everything from basic hygiene, basic money management, social communication skills to basic employment skills and qualifications - they have a cafe open to the public staffed by pupils and produce is grown, cooked and sold on site, a garage to learn mechanics, an allotment and they sell the produce.

Few GCSEs are taken, some do and get low grades but are congratulated on effort. Most leave and get jobs in cafes / garages / garden centre / supermarkets etc and live happy lives and they are encouraged at school to use what they have and not to conform to the school stereotype. He says in some parts of the country these children would just be expected to survive in mainstream and would fail and the system is so unfair.

Is there any other school like this in your area? I'm so sorry you've been let down by the system, it really isn't fair on you or your son and family.

Pandora I am so sorry for your son it sounds like utter shit for him.

To have no friends and support at school, to be ostracized by his own twin (although, yes, I do understand why), to be at your 6 year old brothers level, this all sounds terrible for him.

I am also sorry for you as this must be so hard for you too.

I really think mainstream school is pointless and is not going to do him any good at all.

"I have tried to get him into a SEN school but it very unlikely that the LEA will agree to it. We have a long awaited meeting about this at the end of the week and I just know what the outcome will be."

Please, please do not give up. You can make a difference. Please make every effort for a different outcome to the one you are expecting at this meeting.

Are you married, do you have a partner, does your son have a dad who is in contact with him?

You or your dp/dh pay and have paid taxes for children just like your son to be educated. You need to go in there with a confident and assertive attitude that they must find you an alternative school environment for your son. Can your partner/husband/son’s dad go with you?

If there are no suitable local schools could they provide transport to take him out of county/catchment?

Would a special needs boarding school, home at weekend etc, be possible?

"I'm not sure if an SEN school will be right for him anyway as his issues aren't as 'visible' as the other kids who attend there are and there is concern that he may be disruptive."

Well, there could be a trial period, you could maybe bargain with him, work as best as he can and fit in as well as he can at school and offer video games etc as a sweetener. Could it really be worse than it is now?

You need a few people in your corner; can you find any specialist advice before the meeting that you down load and can read out?

"Moving him to a new mainstream school will just be the same crap, different school."

A new mainstream school might be better than nothing but I tend to agree it will not be the right environment for him so it does seem a non-starter. Be prepared for this to be suggested and be ready to say why you think this will not work. Can you find evidence on line of what has worked for other children like your boy?

"I have had 10 years of this shit (since Reception) with calls from school, meetings, and feeling like I am being blamed for being a shit parent (have low self esteem anyway) because I just can't get him to 'conform' and I am at the end of my tether!"

OK, I hear you. It must be very hard. Please just pull something together for this meeting and find some assertiveness or self esteem training or counselling to help you rise above it.

Practice some prepared statements of what you have tried and done. DO NOT at any point blame yourself or allow anyone else to do so.

"I have had to battle the system to get him extra help and I am just exhausted especially as he either won't or can't help himself."

It must be soul destroying, I would not blame you for giving up but I really hope you will not.

Does he have an EHCP? Can you get your gp to refer him to CAMHS? They may be helpful. Just to note, lifetime DLA awards are no longer possible and you will be expected to apply for PIP, the replacement for DLA when he is 16. This is a worrying issue as PIP does not not seem to take account of LDs etc. I dread my DD having to change over. Do you have regular contact with the school SENCo? Are they helpful? Have you tried parent partnership or whatever they are now called. They help to deal with issues between schools and children with disabilities and SEN

Totally agree with BarbarianMum’s good advice.

“Maybe you need to start again with him. Ask him what he wants to try instead of school. Find something (as well as xbox) that will boost his self esteem and at least help him develop independent living skills and baseline work skils (getting himself places on time, dealing with people, motivating himself). I doubt it'll be easy because he will likely be very negative at anything you suggest but it can't be worse than the current situation.”

IMHO I would also start with what you know. "I understand why he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't want anyone to see him to take the piss out of him."

So begin by talking to him about why he doesn't want to go to school and instead of trying to chivvy him into going (which I expect others have done in the past), really listen to how he feels and why.

Next ask him what he thinks he could manage, bearing in mind being at home and watching TV/games is not an option.

Just an interesting point, my friend had a child on the Autistic spectrum and she says that certain things help more. 'Weight' can help, as in carrying a back pack around, being under a heavy blanket. This is to do with sensory issues. It may or may not be relevant.

www.medicaldaily.com/kids-autism-weighted-backpack-sensory-overload-379901

I think that homeschooling can lead to better opportunities. I think you need to find a way to barter with him to get him to do what you want! Some will disapprove but for some kids this is the only way. Take what he likes treats/computer games/TV and use these to get him to do some things that are good for him.

Do not ration love, understanding, chats, hugs or family time, but do ration TV and internet. Explain you are in this together, him and you, he may be able to understand that. You may even need to employ some suitable language like ‘This is a quest and I am in it with you, how are we going to plan the rest of the school year etc.’

Keep notes of what works and what does not work. Use the internet as a resource to get new ideas.

I am sorry if this all sounds very obvious.

I just really do not want you to give up on him because I know you will regret it.

Lastly, here is the thing, you need to barter with you too. Reward yourself with a swim, or spa day (if you can afford it), some chocs, a long bubble bath whatever, every time you go the extra mile for him. This is really how much of the world works, fun things, difficult things, really crap times, rest, relax, back to work etc. It sounds like yours has been a lot of really crap and difficult things. You mention other kids and maybe this feels like a lot of work.

Can you other 14 year old help you a bit, with stuff at home so you have a bit more time for you?

Totally agree with wombling “I don't understand why the school are expecting a child who has SEN and is so academically delayed, to be able to take GCSEs. Of course he will fail them if he is 4-5 years behind.” The school are actually the ones failing him!

Point this out at this meeting. It is like expecting a child in a wheelchair to run a marathon.
I agree with “I'm sure there are groups and online help for home educators of children with SEN. Rebuild his self esteem. Get his reading, writing and basic maths consistent. Set small goals and reward them with X-box time.” However, IMHO, first make sure there is no chance of a special schools place.

Good luck.

yankee You really shouldn't have posted

if he has an EHCP then I would def look round colleges that cater for SN. If you push hard enough the LA would have to pay for private college if there wasn't a local state one to meet his needs.

Would the LEA provide any tuition at home? They may well do for a genuine school refuser. Have you considered home ed?

I am thankful that I didn't move this to SEN chat, which is rather a slow moving board, as then I may not have not got the very helpful posts that I have got.

Yankee yours was not helpful. I already have massive guilt as it is thought that his LD's are due to insufficient nutrition in the womb as I got pregnant with twins extremely quickly after a stillbirth (within 8 weeks) and my body was in shock so I didn't realise until I was coming up to 12 weeks gone and my nutrient uptake was extremely poor until then and already depleted. DS's twin was chubby and short but he was skinny as a rake and much longer (with over a 1lb difference in weight) and their placentas were fused together. His paed thinks that may be why DS2 was affected and DS1 not. I know his options are extremely limited thank you.

Italian thank you for your posts. I will trundle on.

Blacklist the local SS is much the same as you describe except for the garage. They have supported work experience too and I would love to get DS in there but there will be the knock on effect on his self esteem. When we had a look round he said 'but I'm not like those other kids' .

Yankee, yours is the kind of opinion and attitude that makes life and education even more difficult for kids like Porky's, it is unhelpful and fucking rude.

Porky, your LA local offer website must publish details of all the schools in your area including any 'out of area' independent special schools, take a look at them and see if there is any that may be suitable for the type of Disabilities that DS has, also look at independent special colleges, if there is any then you need to push for a visit on the grounds that your DS has made insufficient progress at the current school and he is at risk of failing to achieve the qualifications he requires to meet his aspirations.

I totally understand the stress that this is causing you all, if you want to chat via pm then I'm happy to help.

Take away tv, phones and computer games for a month and see how much of it is really anxiety about school.

Pandora thank you for updating. It sounds like you are carrying guilt about your ds because of the circumstances of his birth. I could be wrong but it sounds like you feel responsible. So please see a counsellor if you can because it is not your fault you had a miscarriage or under ate. The circumstances of your ds's birth are not of your making.

The fact your don has an awareness of himself (all be it rather negative) shoes to Mr a sensitive, aware side. Please keep looking for that thing that will spark his interest. Art/horticulture/cooking/ whatever. Sometimes one area might bring out his abilities like no other, it's just finding it.

Are you connected to any local supper group, club or charity?

Sorry I said your don was 14, I realise now 15. Almost out of school. Although it is hard some children do thrive once put of school. A relative of mine was very bright but school proved not the place for him. Now out of it he is doing some manual type work and thriving.

Ps I wouldn't take away his phone.

Wow thethoughtfox how long did it take you to come up with that insightful and helpful post?

What reasonable adjustments and differentiation of curriculum have the school put in place? What Support does DS have in school? Is the EHCP fit for purpose and are the school following it?

thethoughtfox that's another unhelpful post, which would achieve absolutely nothing.

Wow too many typos in my post, sorry.

The fact your son has an awareness of himself (all be it rather negative) shows to me a sensitive....

support group!

The phone is a life line. I suggested to my friend she took away her son's mobile phone, thankfully she ignored me! Within days, maybe hours of my comment, he had used it to text her to say he was depressed. Really phones are so vital for young people, we may not like it but taking it away seems unnecessarily cruel, unless for very short periods of time (like during meals or a family outing or a short punishment of a few hours, IMHO).

My DS was expelled from mainstream school at 13 and went to a PRU - but at 15 refused to go - at which point I gave up and supposedly 'home educated' him! DS did go back of his own accord after about 6 months and actually managed to get a couple of GCSEs - but life has been difficult with him from the age of 2 (supposedly has ODD) - but I did find Mumsnet helpful - just to know I wasn't alone. Looking back I wish I had not worried so much and not pushed him to stay in education - DS is actually still very difficult at 20 but hey aren't we all sometimes - but amazingly he has managed to hold one job for over 6 months (4 others didn't make it past 2 weeks - 1 just for 1 day!) and last year he applied (and got) onto a 1 year access course - all on his own and nothing to do with me (knew nothing about it)!!! So I would say don't give up on your DS - but if school is not working out give both you and him a break - and don't be hard on yourself - there is no need - it is a very difficult age in any circumstances!!

Sorry OP. I missed how much his SEN impacted on him.

Please don't in any way blame yourself for the placenta issues op. It sounds like one of those things that can happen in nature sometimes regardless of how soon you got pregnant and your nutrition.

This all sounds incredibly stressful and it sounds like you've tried extremely hard over the years to help him, he's been massively let down by the education system.

I'd take him out of school for now, removing the stress and the knots of anxiety every morning when you wake up knowing it's a school day (I've been there on a much smaller scale, also a twin funnily enough).

Arrange a meeting with school and other educational bods and ask them what they intend to do to ensure that your son receives some sort of education/skills.

Best of luck and please don't blame yourself for any of this, you sound very loving and def have his best interests at heart.

Gosh every child is different. It's these differences that can make school easy or hard for our kids but we need to remember that every kid is different. I personally would not fight this. He sounds like he has it tough in the main school system. I'm sure it's painful for him to struggle and have a six year old sibling do better than him. Keep him out of school and find another solution. There will be something better for him. I hope you find your answer soon.