To try to get cosmetic surgery on the NHS (for DH)

[ShamefulDodger]

Dh is actually my carer, but I want to do something for him for a change.

First I need to find out if it's possible so posting here for traffic sorry

Dh thinks he has one ear much bigger than the other. I couldn't tell you how bad it is because I've never seen it

That's right. In the eleven years I've known him, I have never seen his left ear.

He grows his hair long and ties it in a way that he hides his ear.

He has a baseball cap that he wears at all times. From the second he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep. It is the first thing he puts on in the morning, before he even gets out of bed.

He won't go swimming. He won't go to any formal occasion or restaurant where he needs to take it off.

He is a kind, loving and gentle man. But if you start talking about the hat or that maybe it isn't that bad and will he let me look he gets incredibly defensive and clams up.

I've learnt from his mother that he was tormented at school and by relatives over it. She said she couldn't spare the money to 'fix him' (but could afford to get herself a gastric band)

I've been saving money for a long time. But as we live on benefits (disabled me and dd) this isn't much. Not enough yet to pay privately to have it done.

I haven't told Dh I'm doing this but he has expressed a wish when he's broken down about it before to have surgery.

I've just been told that he might be able to get it done on the NHS as a neighbour apparently had something done.

I'm not sure how true this is and wanted to know if we'd be laughed out of the gp if we went in.

It will take a lot for Dh to open up about this. I don't want it to be vain.

Seeing as you've never seen his ear, the first thing that's needed is for him to show it to a professional. Anyone can say he might/might not get surgery for that or that he might be offered counselling instead, but the fact is a doctor might take one look at it and say "yep, no way you should be living with that, let's fix that up!", then you'll have your answer.

One step at a time. Professional opinion first, then if they're not forthcoming we'll think of a "plan B" :)

I think this is a mental health issue rather than a physical one. TBH I don't think the NHS has 3-4 grand spare to make an adult have even ears. There are a lot of people with much more serious actual facial disfigurements that struggle to get surgery.

I think, sadly, that you won't get this funded. Financially things are very different today compared to even 12 months ago. When the NHS is rationing hip operations and IVF, anything cosmetic, for whatever reason, is going to be very hard to come by.

I also think YABU for blaming his mother for prioritising her own health over a cosmetic issue.

Oh, just to add, my DH and DDs each have completely different shaped ears. But no one ever notices because you are never looking at both st the same time, so the likelihood of people noticing is probably slim. What they will notice is an unusual hairdo and permenant cap wearing.

I was offered cosmetic surgery on my.ears but told that the nhs would only do it on under 16 year olds. So you can try but just be prepared for them to say he's too old.

Thank you all for your suggestions.

Dh has just broken down, I'm unsure as to whether I've actually helped or not now.

He has said that he would like to make an appointment though so that's positive.

I hadn't thought of that. I suppose it's possible that it's actually not that different but due to the bullying etc. has been built up into a much bigger thing.

Thank you for your post, it was hard to post this as I think he may not have been comfortable with it.

I just wanted to help/hear different options so thank you for that.

Oh poor him, and poor you too as it must effect your life together surely?

I'd say that your dp needs to have both psychological distress AND an actual physical problem to be considered for surgery. He clearly has a significant amount of psychological problems from his ear and the way he was 'teased' (aka victimized and abused, horrible people!), but he does need it to be objectively miss -sized or deformed, not just in his eyes.

FYI my stbxh tried to get his ears pinned back on the nhs and didn't manage it. However I think it was entirely correct that they didn't do it! I have a lot more sympathy for your dp and hope he might get help, both psych and surgery...

My stbxh was more about being vain and self obsessed, than deeply traumatized. He fixated on his ears being sticky-outy as the reason for all his ills, more as an excuse than a reality though. His ears were/are slightly sticking out but not out of normal range. He was/is also extremely handsome and although it was his sore spot, it was no more than anyone else's flaws, in fact he was very handsome even with ears on full show, although he mostly hid them with hats. He fixated on it when he sensed his excuses for doing nothing were getting thin and he might actually have to grow up and start behaving properly. Then suddenly he started on this quest to get his ears pinned back. I think he did genuinely feel self conscious about them, but not to the extent needed to make plastic surgery a medical need. He was so self obsessed he didn't really understand that everyone has bit of their bodies they don't like! Different from your chap I think...

Anyway, he got referred to a plastic surgeon from his gp, and the consultant spent a long time with him and was very sympathetic but the decision came back a firm no.

They made it clear that the problem was his 'body dysmorphia' and that he needed treatment via psychological services for it. They observed that plastic surgery would only confirm his body dysmorphia.

I think this was because his ears really weren't objectively out of the normal range.

It's a shame your dp won't show you his ear so you really have no idea what's really going on.

I would worry that the process of having his ear examined would be too much for him, especially if hesthen turned down for surgery. He seems so fragile about it :( ime they were very nice and gentle though, so maybe it would actually help him to have his ear looked at and then shown that his world doesn't collapse as a consequence?

I think he'd have more of a chance of getting help than my stbxh did, but he would need psychological help too, as well as surgery, maybe even as a precursor to any surgery. Do you think he'd be able to do that? He would have to stop the hiding and defensiveness about it, which I suspect runs deep.

Overall, It would be worth a go, but only if it's driven my him as well as you. He needs to be ready to engage with it all, and I'd worry he'd blame you if it made him feel worse, which would create its own problems. Mind you, I suspect this whole thing impacts on you more than he's willing to admit, so if it was resolved your relationship might get better as well as his self esteem.

Oops cross posted with you and lots of others.

You cannot know how a specific nhs trust allocates a budget and how a specific patient will be diagnosed (especially as no one has seen this ear anyway!). I don't think second guessing it will help.

I'm sorry he's broken down. With all that defensiveness and extreme behaviour to cover up his ear, it's not surprising I suppose.

Hopefully your gp will treat him sensitively and he gets referred to people who know how to deal with such distress...

Im confused even if he hid his ear to the best ability surely it is impossible for you to have never seen it :/

Lonelymummyof1 I hand on heart have never seen his ear.

He wear his hat all of the time when we are awake. And in bed until I am asleep.

When he sleeps he lies on his side with his 'bad'ear pressed to the pillow and his hair pulled over/under it.

It's been such a huge thing that we haven't talked about well.

He's so strong most of the time but the second you mention anything to do with it he just looks so angry/sad.

This is undoubtably a really nosy question and not in the least bit relevant, but did he wear a hat when you married? Forgive me for asking, curiosity got the better of me!

It's ok yes he did.

My stbxh wore baseball hats or beanies all the time to cover his ears.

It often looked inappropriate and stopped us getting into some places.

I can well imagine someone behaving in even more extreme ways with a more extreme hatred of his ear.

MiscellaneousAssortment ahh yes, the beanie usually makes an appearance when it gets colder (or when the baseball cap has given up the ghost)

Hoping to have a bit of a more in depth chat with Dh after the dc are in bed.

So he wears the hat even when you are being intimate? Sorry its mind blowing to me lol
I'm in Australia so obviously things are different here but my sister got her ears pinned back after going to the doctor and explaining how they were affecting her, honestly they did stick out but not super bad (easy for me to say as theyre not mine), like your dh it was something she had been dealing with since a kid and the teasing stuck with her.

My friend had surgery paid for as well 'down below'. She was paranoid about how it looked and it was affecting her mentally when she wanted to be physical with new patrners etc. Same process went to GP had to show explain and got a referall and did the same with specialist etc

Yes, when I say all the time I do mean all the time.

I realise how mad this all seems, it's just normal here now.

Just a thought, but could you have a look at any old childhood photos of his/his mum's and see if you can see the ear on them? That might give you am indication of whether it is actually larger and, if so, how much? Hope you are able to help him pne way or another, it sounds like it's a huge thing for him.

Hi OP, hope you can have more of an in depth chat with your DH tonight, really hope you will be able to get a referral from your GP but if not I had my ears pinned back privately through BMI and they have payment plans available interest free, the difference it has made to my self esteem is amazing. It cost just under £4k to have them both done under local anaesthetic, any questions on what happens in the consultations or the surgery itself feel free to pm me, wishing you all the best

I agree with pps advising to get a professional opinion first. Is it even possible to be surgically corrected? Is the ear much smaller or larger?

Of course, he won't end up with a perfect set of ears but it's definitely worth finding out what if anything could be done.

One thing you need to be prepared for is finding that actually they're pretty similar and you can't tell the difference. When someone gets a complex about something then it isn't necessarily rational.

I'd also say that in ds' class there is a boy who was born without an ear. I don't know of anyone who's noticed without being told, and he doesn't wear a hat and has fairly short hair.
Dd2 has a notable difference in the size of her ears and always has done and no one except me has ever commented.
I only noticed when I was breastfeeding. I'd be feeding her one side and thinking. "her ears really ear very tiny aren't they". Swap sides and think "actually I think I was overthinking, it isn't that small". Eventually I measured (she was still a baby) and found one ear is between 1/3 and 1/2 as big again. Still is (I notice when brushing hair). But as I said, no one has ever commented.

This is an absolutely perfect one for Embarrassing Bodies. I'd write to them if I were you.

Bloody hell gp would not be happy on embarrassing bodies!!! I think I'll have to give that one a miss!

smartiesaretheanswer that's great to know, thank you. I wasn't aware they did finance.

I checked my credit earlier and it's good (I wanted a concrete-ish plan to talk to do about tonight)

I'm going to suggest we carry on with gp's (to check whether it's a completely mental health issue or if there is a big difference) and ho from there.

If something dies need dough I think I'd rather us see if we can use credit rather than dragging him through a process that might not be successful.

I just think his life (and mine too) will be so different without this clouding everything.

I'm a bit worried now about it not actually being that bad, though that sounds wrong.

I think a surgical fix will be quicker than trying to get over a purely psychological problem.

That made sense in my head...

The reason I suggested embarrassing bodies is because you will get access to the absolute best healthcare quickly (and I assume the patients that feature on the show do not pay).
It sounds to me like body dysmorphia by the way

Oh I know LapinR0se but he is extremely shy about this (odd, given that he is actually outgoing) and I am pretty sure he would never talk or go on telly about it.

Thank you though, if he wasn't so on edge about it I would suggest it.