To tell a friend what her problem is?

[Sherashed]

I've been friends with her for 7 years. Our sons started kinder together. We do spend time together without the kids, but mostly see each other because of the kids. I also look after her son a bit on the school holidays, as I work from home. She also has a lot of relationship issues (DH, family and friends), so I listen to her and try to give advice and support where I can.

My friend has a prickly personality. She's very sensitive and has a very strong opinion on what's right and what's not. Sadly, her mother died when she was 8 and she lost her dad in her 20s. She married and had kids later in life (youngest at 40). These kids are her whole existence, and now they're well into primary school, she's the mum that's first to complain to the teacher, contriving friendships for her kids, getting annoyed at other parents when her kids don't get their way. I know she's trying to be the best mum she can because she didn't have her own for long.

My friend thinks she's excluded and badly treated by other school parents (for both her kids' school years), she thinks the teachers don't respect her and take it out on her kids. She thinks her DD is being bullied by kids of parents that don't like her. She hates her in-laws and says they exclude her. She's constantly fighting with her DH. She talks about fractured relationships with work colleagues, and the list goes on.

I invited her family over for dinner on the Easter break. She did several things that really pissed me off, but I didn't let her know. But after a while, she starts on again about how she was excluded from in-law's Easter celebrations because they don't like her, then in the same breath goes on about how she had a huge argument with her neighbours because she didn't like their kids being rude to hers. Then she starts talking about being excluded from a Facebook group. Then she starts to cry.

I feel so sorry for her. She is deeply sensitive but can be difficult to like and I know why she's having all these relationship problems. For example, her DD wanted a girl to come over for a play date. Friend texts other mum, not once or twice to ask, but 18 times over 2 weeks. My friend just can't seem to join the dots.

So, because I seem to understand her, and she has confided some deeply private things with me in the past, do I tell her she's the common denominator in all her relationship problems and why I think that is?

I don't know some people are always rushing to put a label on things. If your friend is as you describe, like a pp said she is the common denominator and it is just her personality and attitude that rubs people the wrong way.

I suppose you can tell her but will your friendship survive and will she be willing to accept that it's her and not everyone else that's the problem

Wow. Some amazing insight here. I am really intrigued about those who came to the realisation late in life that it was "them". Quite inspirational really. I'd love to see my friend get that kind of help. I will keep gently steering her towards more counselling. She's quite piecemeal in her approach to getting any help - she doesn't want to spend the money either. I've suggested she visits a GP and gets a mental health plan in place, but she went and did that for her DS instead!

Someone asked how I don't find myself in problems when I look after her kids. Honestly - I only agree to look after DS. He plays with my DS and they're good together. Her youngest DD would just be opening me up for problems. My friend helicopters over this child and if we were going to have a blow-up, it would be the fuss she makes over her DD. It's like the whole world has to hold its breath while friend makes sure her DD gets what she wants when she wants and it's just maddening.

On another note, I've spoken about my father's wife (of 30 years) who lost her mother when a child. This woman is god awful. No insight at all. Everyone else is either the problem or they're idiots according to her. She shares the traits of horrid narcissistic mothers posted about on MN and I fantasise about the day she comes to self-realisation that it's her - all her. I fell out with her 30 years ago, and our relationship is beyond repair. Even if she did have an epiphany.

Sherashed - does your friend only have the one DD? Because if so, it makes sense why she spoils her so - she'll be trying to make up for the loss of her own mother, and her own missing out on being spoilt.

Do try to steer your friend towards more help, but chances are, as has been said, that if she's not ready for it, she either won't go or it won't help her. She does need to really decide for herself that something has to give, and then she might be more receptive to the idea that it is at least partly down to her.

If she is your friend, you should accept her for who she is. But that goes both ways, I would never pander to a friend to avoid upsetting them if I thought they needed to hear the truth. Sometimes it works, other times it has totally blown up in my face. The friends I have now know what I can be blunt, I have a friend who worries about everything, I also have a friend who just flatly denys anything that doesn't suit her purpose and my other friend lies, a lot... I could go on but my point is, we all have flaws or personality traits that are perhaps annoying. It's up to you how much it annoys you and what kind of friend you want to be to that person, if it were me I would tell her, as gently as possible to start

Isn't there a dr Phil quote that goes something like 'if you meet one person who is a jerk, then chances are they are just a jerk. But if everyone you meet is a jerk, chances are it's you who is the jerk'.

I often think that when I have had a few Argy bargys. I think what's the chances I'm being short and hostile? Then test and adjust accordingly. I get much better results with a softer approach.

Tell her she'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Some really inspiring stories here - thanks for sharing. I too have a friend like this, I like her but find her so energy-sapping that I don't see her very often. That makes me sad (I feel I'm not being a good friend as I know she gets lonely) so it's good to hear what others say.