Bullying child

[HeLeftMe]

Apologies in advance for the length.
DS is 5. There's a boy in his reception class who is, for lack of a better word, a thug. A bully. He's violent and always has been (same parent and baby - and then toddler - groups so known him a long time). He's always pretty much been allowed to get away with murder hurting other kids. He's rude, he snatches, he strangles, scratches, bites, takes toys or snacks and if he had a broom, you can bet it would be used for stabbing or hitting before it would ever be used for sweeping. I myself have been on the end of a very painful jab to the eye whilst being told in a growl "I don't like you today!". His rather well to do parents trot out the usual excuses of "normal childhood behaviour" "pushing boundaries" "expressing emotions" "High spirited" and all that hoohah. I must state though that he does NOT have SN. The other kids in his family are very similar and I've witnessed the parents discipline (or lack thereof.)
My DS is nothing like this. I've always stuck to the belief that he should never hit back. It wouldn't help if he did. He does however have a growing collection of scars.

At least once every few weeks DS will tell me how he was strangled that day or he will lift his shirt to show me a bleeding cut where he was pinched.

I'm starting to get slightly pee'd off with the school tbh. They're on the ball when it comes to getting me to sign forms acknowledging a small fall in PE with no injury or even tears but it's DS who has to tell me about his latest strangulation or having a wet paper towel put on a walloped face. The teachers are aware of this stuff so are we parents not to know?

If it's another child hurting ours are schools supposed to keep it quiet? I figure there shouldn't be names given but should we be told anything? Something?

I meant he hits and bites other children when his behaviour is not managed properly. He has never done it on my watch. Distressed behaviour is not violence.

"I've always stuck to the belief that he should never hit back."

I don't. I tell my kids that if someone hits them, to come back at them and return the favour twofold. That's not to say they ever have...but I would never encourage my child to tolerate being hit and do nothing or defend themselves. Telling a teacher achieves zip. In the playground it's not the school rules that dictate, it's the law of the jungle. Hitty kids will keep coming back to the kid who doesn't retaliate. They avoid those who do like the plague.

P.s If and only IF the other kid hits first, I would defend my kid's right to hit a bully back until the cows come home, regardless of what the school might have to say about it.

Pictish hitting back wouldn't necessarily work. Some children wouldn't see the connection.

SN not the issue though is it. The OPs son is being battered.
I agree with previous poster, write it all down and make a visit with the class teacher. Does your son immediately tell an adult? Encourage him to do so.

My ds has SN and can be violent. (Usually towards property and himself). He can hurt others. But it's still the responsibility of the school to ensure his needs are met so he can manage the environment as it is my responsibility out of school hours.!

Legally assault is assault. If someone has SN that requires supervision to protect others then they should be supervision.

You all seem scared of these parents because they 'well to do'. Fuck that. Speak to the head teacher and stand up for your child.

I agree sn is not the issue (whether the child has it or not) so no need for the op to bring it up. As I said concentrate on the fact that the school has a duty of care to the op's child.

I think it's irrelevant if the bully child has sn, that's not the ops concern or problem. All she wants is for her ds to be able to go to school and not be hurt.

It there's sn involved then it's still not acceptable. Clearly things aren't being managed as they should be. If there's no sn involved then things still aren't being managed properly!

Op, I'd be going into the school after every single incident. Who cares if the parents are involved with the school?! It sounds like they need a reality check.

Good luck! I'd hate to send my ds to school if I thought for a second someone would hurt him.

And this is why my sons started martial arts classes at 3! No-one bullies my kids!

I was bullied badly at school, strangled and punched and kicked and I was always taught to tell the teachers which worked for a week or two then they came back worse so my children will be able to defend themselves!

OP if you don't want to go that way then you need to speak to teachers every single time something happens, keep a diary of what happens and when. Try to get other parents to do the same. They don't be able to defend the behaviour for long.

Spikeyball "Distressed behaviour is not violence." That comment worries me. As for the 5 year old who is being hit and punched it IS violence. I agree with WateryTart that the SN is not being managed well enough if this happens (I see you say that it doesn't happen on your watch) However IF the child the op mentions does have SN then that behaviour is NOT managed. IF the child hasn't got SN then his behaviour is NOT managed.

I have friends with children who has different types of SN not one of them would allow their child to hit and punch others without ensuring they spoke with the parents and tried to explain plus get their child to apologies (where possible - not in all cases 1 friend has a ds who really is not able to do that) SN is not the real issue in this post.

OP speak to teacher first dont go directly to HT they will simply say you have not followed procedure. Then start to list times your ds gets hurt date and time it. I would suggest speaking with other parents whose children you know has also been on the receiving end of this child. Perhaps go in together or ensure more of you are keeping lists of dates and times (and if school informed you)

Your child has as much right to be safe and secure in school as any other child.

I don't get this "don't hit back" mentality.

It's what a bully needs. A short sharp jab and they'll not be expecting it. Tell your son to hit back and tell him you'll stand by any attempts that he makes to defend himself

Enko distressed behaviour isn't violence. That doesn't mean that it is ok or that all possible steps shouldn't be taken to prevent it happening.

Of course all hitting etc is not distressed behaviour.

Just to clarify, my boy is told not to hit him back mainly because many other children have hit this boy back. It has never worked all the times I've seen it. He's a tough kid and putting hands on him is just poking the bear. He retaliates, often harder. Then of course it's shrugged off as "Boys fighting" or having a scuffle. Evening the blame.

I've packed DS off today and told him no more letting him away with it. He must yell very loudly "Stop boy's name! Don't touch me boys name!" And go straight to a teacher every single time. This will help when I specifically ask at the end of the day if there have been any incidents. If they say no but DS says yes then I will take them to task for bullshitting me to keep the peace.

Definitely good idea about getting your son to speak to a teacher each and every time. Wrote every single thing down too, dates and times if possible.

We were finding a lot of the bullying was happening after school and the school tried to wriggle out of it.

I've got to say, DC did this confidence training, ok they're a tad mouthier now, but the main bully started on DC, they told him to go away in not so polite terms. Now the DC wants to be friends with DC.

They picked on everything they enjoyed, were pretty physical, but during playtime teachers / supervisors don't have 360 degree vision. Which for me should instigate fundraising for cameras for children's safety.

I understand why you wouldn't want DC to hit back, but if they're being targeted, they need to be pretty strong verbally or physically in the end.

My DC has or had a weakness where they didn't like getting in trouble. Hubby and the Head backed DC up that if they did retaliate they wouldn't be in trouble.

As much as I hate it, the polite, 'Please may you not do that,' way of handling things doesn't always work.

We worried about autism as it runs in the family, but SEN/SED said they had no concerns on that level. DC just needed more confidence. Some schools have really good programmes for SEN/SED. The services go beyond what they have to do, so there's lots of services available. Hopefully your DC's school has similar.

Enko distressed behaviour isn't violence

If this 'distressed behaviour' includes punching children, biting them, pinching them until they bleed etc then YES it most certainly is violence

I had similar with my daughter when she was in year one. The school never told us - and yes, I think PTA / close ties / snowflake child were all at play.

We told DD to move away / play with someone else / tell a teacher etc etc, but it just carried on. Eventually we told her to scream 'get your hands off me/you can't touch me' so it was clear who was instigating the physical violence. It helped a bit in that her friends became more aware of it and helped her out. School still NEVER told us anything.

It stopped at a school disco where we happened to be helping out - my dp saw her choke our dd and told her off and minutes later I was explaining the situation to her mum when she tried to hit dd in front of us. The mum said nothing, but I shouted 'No! We keep our hands to ourselves!'. Both she and the mum looked utterly shocked, but nothing has ever happened since.

We also got a 'sorry' card the next day: 'Sorry I tried to cuddle you too tightly..' FFS.

Encourage other friendships and don't be afraid to back him up. He'll always remember it

Your poor boy.
Regardless of SN the school need to be keeping your boy safe, and they aren't doing that. If he has got SN they are failing him as well.

Keep a diary of what your son is telling you (try to remember previous incidents and if you have bought them up with the teacher) and make an appointment with the head.
Ive got one that won't retaliate even when we've told them to, because we taught them not to hurt others (wheres the head smack emoji when you need it).

This is an issue for the school to deal with not your son.

A child with sn biting someone because they are distressed or can't cope with a situation is distressed behaviour.
Treating distressed behaviour as violence and punishing or containing the person doing it, doesn't work. Helping the person with the distressed behaviour by making reasonable adjustments, making the environment more suitable, help with communication and social skills and teaching them ways of self regulating does.
Calling it violence abdicates those working with the child of their responsibilities to help them, which also doesn't make the other children's lives any better.

At what point has OP said this child has SN? FFS.

He sounds like a little bugger who thinks he can throw his weight around and get away with it.

The op brought sn into it by saying it cannot possibly be sn.

My DS was being hit by 2 boys sInce he started school, one of them has been moved to another school, thank goodness. The other is still there. I keep telling DS to hit back but he says the teachers say they are not allowed to hit back. I said just do it and if the teachers say anything, I'll speak to them. I've spoken to the teacher again about this boy, the thing is, his mum seems nice although his dad glares at me whenever he sees me because I've complained about his "D" S. I think some kids are just little s*its that are allowed to get away with murder from their useless parents. Think you have to keep complaining, maybe take photos of the injuries. Take it further if the school for nothing.