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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my DP

49 replies

user1469751309 · 17/04/2017 18:08

Bit of background so not to drip feed I'm a disabled mum in a wheelchair with two DDs. My partner is from Canada and has gone away for one month to visit family the first time in 5yrs since he has been back leaving me with both the kids alone. I have a bit of help but not quite as much as I would need in an ideal world. Without giving too much away my disability can get worse very quickly with no reall warning. My DP and I agreed if this was to happen when he was away he would get the next flight home as he knows I would not able to manage the kids especially if I am in hospital.
Well you can probably see where this is going he has been gone for one week and my condition has taken a nosedive through no fault of my own. Although it is a temporary decline it will take me about 6 weeks to get better. The kids are now in limbo with my family who nearly ever have them and they are so upset and totally unsettled. I've mentioned to my DH that this has happened and instead of coming back as agreed he says I'll manage and will cope fine even though I'm in hospital strapped to more machines than I can count. My DM is unable to have the kids full time as she also has a disability and works full time and have no other family to really rely on.
I am so upset and angry I have no idea what im going to do now it's agony and the kids are so unsettled and upset they just want mummy home and I'm stuck. AIBU to be furious with my DH for not sticking to the agreed plan or am I being to harsh on him?

OP posts:

Mo55chop5 · 17/04/2017 18:11

Oi mate, you agreed to come home if things got bad and they have. If you don't get your arse home immediately then when you eventually do return all your belongings will be on the lawn x

ecuse · 17/04/2017 18:12

Um. Does he know you're in hospital? If so I cant think of any scenario in which he shouldnt be straight on a sodding plane. I'm astonished. youre obviously not being unreasonable. Who does he think is going to look after his children? Even if your mum could have them full time I would expect him to come back.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 17/04/2017 18:13

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, and hope you start to feel better soon.

You could ask him what he thinks you can do perhaps, and who does he think can look after the kids? Unless he's a very nasty piece of work, I suspect he hasn't thought this through carefully, or has misunderstood.
Tell him, you know he's disappointed about his trip being cut short, but he's needed at home asap.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/04/2017 18:14

I can understand how he must be so disappointed to have to come home, but he agreed that that would be the plan. He needs to stand by it.

scottishdiem · 17/04/2017 18:15

Of course he is being bad.

Do you know if he has the walk-on flights costs available (or the cost of changing the ticket?). Its one thing to give lip-service to a plan for failure of a trip - its another make sure the resources are available.

Is he emotionally able leave Canada as well (yes, I know you are in hospital and that should prompt a trip home). Are they his kids (sorry its unclear from your post)? If not, that could be part of the problem.

Original poster

user1469751309 · 17/04/2017 18:15

Thanks for the replies he can be quite difficult when he wants too and I know if he does come back early because of me I will literally never hear the end of it but don't really have any other options

OP posts:

Original poster

user1469751309 · 17/04/2017 18:18

But yes Scottish they are his children and yeah he is able to afford to change the flight I just think he is reluctant to leave the rest of his family there and I feel really guilty to ask him to come back to be honest

OP posts:

Tinseleverywhere · 17/04/2017 18:20

That's awful, he has completely let you down. Imo he should never have left you on your own that way. He should only have gone if you had a proper back up carer for your kids and some help for you too.

BrightonBelleCat · 17/04/2017 18:29

Who does he think should be responsible for the children if you can't manage it and he can't come back? I'm livid on your behalf. Could he afford to return to Canada if you feel better?

humblesims · 17/04/2017 18:47

What does he suggest that you do? how old are the DDs? How long will you be in hospital? It does sound U of him.

ecuse · 17/04/2017 18:52

How long are you likely to be in hospital? Trying to work out what hes thinking. Is it 'she'll be out in a day or two and it'll be hard but she'll manage' (which would be bad enough) or does he literally not care what happens to his kids whilst you're in hospital? Does he assume your mum will just pick up the slack because she'll be forced to (and the alternative is, what, foster care??)

So sorry you're having to deal with this level of shitfuckery whilst you're ill, you must be going out of your mind.

Also, how long since you've spoken to him? Is there any chance it was just a bit of a shock and he'll call you in half an hour with 'don't know what I was thinking, sorry for being a massive wanker, I'm on my way to the airport, how are you feeling sweetheart'?

Chloe84 · 17/04/2017 19:02

I think you need to more than 'mention' it to him, OP, you've got to explain succintly that he needs to come home ASAP.

WipsGlitter · 17/04/2017 19:52

Honestly? If you can deteriorate that fast and that seriously then planning such a long trip was madness.

Piratesandpants · 17/04/2017 19:55

How old are your DDs?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/04/2017 19:57

He needs to come back now or never. Leaving you to fend for yourselves is just not acceptable.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 17/04/2017 19:59

It's a hard on, it must be really hard on him not seeing his family in five years so I can see why he would want to stay but I can also see he mad a promise.

What usually happens for childcare when you are ill? Can't they help out?

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2017 20:00

He sounds like a selfish arse hole

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 17/04/2017 20:01

I would threaten him with the dc having to go into foster care if he doesn't get home. Is there a neighbour that can help your dm out?

NapQueen · 17/04/2017 20:04

The fact that he even left you for a month with 2 dcs and wheelchair bound is abhorrant to begin with.

That he wasnt on the first flight home when you were hospitalised js divorce worthy imo.

What a prick!

Beeziekn33ze · 17/04/2017 20:08

So unfair on you and DC. He needs to wake up and come back as he agreed to do before he left. So selfish.

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2017 20:10

Who is looking after the children now?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2017 20:14

How often do these deteriorations happen? Was it very likely that this would happen or did he agree thinking it wouldn't.

It is very very hard to be the spouse that is in a foreign country and being a carer is really tough too. NO excuse, but I feel for him as well. What a tough situation.

Marmalady75 · 17/04/2017 20:14

Tell him that if he isn't on the next flight home your DM will pop the kids on a plane to Canada and he can look after them there.

Penfold007 · 17/04/2017 20:16

Now would be a very good time to contact adult social services, in fact I'm surprised hospital haven't already done so. OP you and your family need an assessment under the Care Act 2014 and a care plan to take account of your needs and your DC's needs. It may well mean that Social Services need to step up urgently for the DC until their DF is home.
Before we all tear in to DH we have no idea how stressed, tired and even depressed he may be feeling.
This family need support and maybe this crisis might bring some of that support.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/04/2017 20:16

Honestly I think a month sounds like madness in the situation you are in anyway but yanbu he should be home ASAP, not just because you agreed but because he would want to

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